Way-Out Wednesday: Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

Welcome to Way-Out Wednesday!




I'm sure by now most of you have heard the sad news of Elizabeth Taylor's passing. Fashion icon, style maven, Hollywood royalty, all-around goddess. But I'm not gonna dwell on the sad. You know how I roll when it comes to dealing with hard times or sadness or those pesky things humans called "emotions"- I lighten the mood with something out of the ordinary. Well, "out of the ordinary" might be too vague. I actually should say ghastly. So I guess the mood won't be so light after all. Hmm. At any rate, feast your eyes upon the crazy:




It's a baby. Sewn into the corner of a handkerchief. For no apparent reason other than to to torture the recipient of this special "gift" with night terrors.

Ok, I *get* that it's probably a baby shower thing, like a favor or something. But I mean, really. REALLY?!




Don't get me wrong, I freaking worship this thing. Creepy doll parts = eternal awesome. But as a party favor for the impending birth of a human? Not so much. However, the flip side of this hankie pretty much rules:




Bottoms up!



Vintage Pink Baby Crochet Handkerchief Plastic Toy Hankie is currently available to torture a loved one from Etsy seller Daisy Fairbanks.

Way-Out Wednesday: Organ Grinder? I Don't Even Know Her!

Welcome to Way-Out Wednesday!




Uncle Guiseppe the Creepy Perv Organ Grinder Monkey waits for you to fall asleep. Uncle Guiseppe the Creepy Perv Organ Grinder Monkey is gonna touch you while you sleep. And smell your hair. And probably try on your brand new Manolos. And then eat the other half of your Italian sub from Subway that you were planning on taking to work tomorrow.




Uncle Guiseppe the Creepy Perv Organ Grinder Monkey is pretty sure you're gonna like it. You know- the being touched part. Not the "finding your size 7 heels stretched out and smelling like garlic-scented feet sweat and having your sandwich scarfed during a midnight pot bender by your bedbug-riddled, deadbeat primate of a roommate" part.


Inspiration for today vintage pick, this weirdly awesome Vintage 50's Organ Grinder Monkey Yarn Doll is currently offered for sale on Etsy from seller Valuable Vintage.

Way-Out Wednesday: Beach Blanket Bing-Oh No

It's your lucky day, my friends! Not only have I got another creepy-ass doll to show off on this glorious Way-Out Wednesday, but I also answered the age-old question: "What would happen if Carol Channing's wig, a bag of Cheetos, Annette Funicello's entire wardrobe from 1961-1967, Lisa Rinna's lip reduction, Yoko Ono, the string cheese that rolled under the radiator 2 months ago, Snooki's Bumpit and the roast duck in the last scene of A Christmas Story mated?" Why, you'd get this!...




WHA?! What kind of diseased mind would create such a hideous and excellent craft from hell?! Because I'd like to shake their hand. Well played, satan's doll maker. Well played.

Vintage Handmade Surfer Girl Doll is currently available on Etsy from seller Death Machine, who gets a gold star not only for offering this craftacular sensation, but also for having the most excellent Etsy shop name of all time.

Way-Out Wednesday: Snootie Little Cuties.

Welcome to Way-Out Wednesday!






Vintage dolls are a favorite topic to blog about around here. Now, there are vintage dolls. There are creepy-ass vintage dolls (our favoritest of all kind, of course!), and then there are these...







I know what you're thinking: "Have you lost it, woman? What's the dealio, these aren't weird, ya nutbag." Well my friends, they're not *just* vintage doll heads with unnaturally-hued, Tina Turner-coiffed hair, mind you. No, no. That's not overly weird at all, you know, if a seller on Etsy sold *just* vintage doll heads. Doll heads could, in fact, be used in literally a plethora of crafty-ass projects. A never-ending myriad of crafty-ass projects, even! So that's not the weird part. The weird part is this:





...they're doll heads that are tissue holders. Ya heard. Hollowed-out doll heads with a square box of tissues shoved up in there. Ingenious or morbidly tacky? And that's exactly why I love them. Plus, I'm not 100% sure that I don't want my home to look like it was decorated by a mass murderer, so there's that.



Awesomely wrong Set of 3 Vintage 60's Doll Head Tissue Box Covers are currently available for 35 bucks on Etsy from seller Orbiting Debris.

Way-Out Wednesday: Children Of The Scorn.

Welcome to Way-Out Wednesday!




Bet you thought I forgot, didn't you?! Well, no. It's called being "fashionably late".... you know, if it was 1982, which is probably the last time anyone even called it that, like if I was going to a Bacardi-and-blow party of some high-strung, child-free bachelor stockbroker in Manhattan named "Chip" or "Brad" and I didn't show up until after midnight- you know, "fashionably late"- wearing a shoulder pad power suit, with a bottle of Valium in one hand and this new-fangled cassette tape of Hall and Oats, the scent of Charlie wafting in after me. You know, like that. These days it's called "holy crap I gotta write today's blog but ohmygod I just remembered there's still wet laundry in the washer from yesterday and I bet it smells like death by now and I'm gonna have to wash it all over again and oh man, what's today? is tonight garbage night?! I'll drag the cans out to the curb later, after I finish this Valium-tini and Danielle Steel novel but what time is it, is it really 6:00 already? I guess dinner will be a bowl of bran flakes and what, last night's brussels sprouts, and the fam will just have to like it, dammit." So there you have it. It all makes perfect sense now.

Speaking of those little crumb-snatchers (and considering it is Way-Out Wednesday after all), I present you with this Vintage Meanie Doll, currently available on Etsy from seller Pugpink:




This is why I don't like other people's kids.


Maybe those 1980's yuppies were onto something.

Way-Out Wednesday: No Country For Old Dolls.

Welcome to Way-Out Wednesday!




Given the ridonkulous heat my fellow northeasterners have to endure, and the flooding of you midwesterners and, like, the fire that's probably going on somewhere in California right now, I thought I'd reward you all with a special Way-Out Wednesday treat. A doll. One "holy hell that is one creepy-ass doll" doll.





Behold:



No, your eyes don't deceive you. That is a girl doll. With an extreme disproportionate face-to-noggin-size ratio. That looks mildly retarded. And somehow old. And bald. Even Prince Charming looks like he'd rather bludgeon himself with a lute than have to kiss The Thing That Fire Wouldn't Kill.


I mean really:



It's terrifying and questionable and wrong and disturbing and because of those things, is totally right in my book.

Vintage 50's Tiny Doll (did I mention it's only 3 inches tall?! Because it is. Why so small? Good God, what purpose does that serve?!) available on Etsy from seller Covetable Curiosities. (I strongly suggest you check out their store- it's chock full of cool, vintage trinkets & teeny plastic bits and interesting whatnots. Like more dolls like this gem. You're welcome.)

Way-Out Wednesday: Queen Cry Baby

Because I can't get enough of creepy, fugly or sad little neglected dolls, I submit for your approval on this Way-Out Wednesday this Vintage 70's Enesco Ceramic Figurine:






Good gawd y'all, I love crap like this. I've posted about similar sad, teardrop figurines before, but this one is probably my favorite so far. "YOU made me what I am today!" is pure genius. Please note the all-caps spelling of "you", so no one's mistaken that she's ain't blaming anyone else for her downward spiral into street urchin life except for you. Do you know what you made her into today? Because I don't. My guess is an underage child sweatshop laborer who moonlights as a cross-dressing Don King geisha girl. But there is one ray of hope for her. She has a real imitation pearl teardrop- not a drawing of one, like a half-assed prison tattoo done with a sharpened toothbrush, spit and boot dirt. This has class.

Way-Out Wednesday: Tears On My Pillow.

Welcome to Way-Out Wednesday!




You know what I was just thinking to myself the other day? I was thinking: "Boy, do I wish I had a pillow made out of a Baptist Church Lady's hat and the satin drapes from an 1880's brothel with a blind, quadriplegic baby wearing a tomato slice on her head sticking out of the top. That would be great."

See, guys? Wishes do come true!


Ta-da!




Vintage Doll Pillow available on Etsy from seller kimberly7099.





It's so awesome, I could cry.

Way-Out Wednesday: Rollin' With My Gnomies.

Welcome to a special St. Patty's Day Way-Out Wednesday!



Seamus the scary cracked-out garden gnome and Nadia his Russian mail-order teen bride would like to wish you all a very Happy St. Patrick's Day!




Vintage 50's/60's Doll Pair available on Etsy right now from seller smellyshoesvintage.




"There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?

Way-Out Wednesday: Fears Of A Clown.

It's time for Way-Out Wednesday!






It's been a while since I've shown off a perfectly good (read: petrifying) creepy-ass vintage doll in a while, so today's the day. Today's disturbingly awesome pick is this Vintage Clown Marionette from Etsy seller Shermancat. (Which, by the way, all proceeds from the sale of it go to the Humane Society of York County. See? Good can come from scary.)





(Green Day-inspired guyliner?! Tiny blue hands? WHY?!)






Enjoy the night terrors.

Way-Out Wednesday: Upcycling Gone Wild

Time for another Way-Out Wednesday, kids! I've talked alot about upcycling lately, and figured I should probably give a quick lesson on what it is before I keep going on about it, for those who aren't quite sure what it is. Upcycling is basically taking something that isn't perfect as a whole anymore but has perfectly usable bits & pieces to it. So you salvage what you can from it and use those good parts for something else. It's a very WWII 1940's-esque way of living: use it up, use it out then turn it into something new and use it again. (Taking off the buttons from a trashed dress that can no longer be worn and using them on something else is an example.) So I think it's safe to say we're all for that, right? Recycling is good, upcycling is grand, yada yada yada.

BUT. And this is a big "but" (hey-yo!): there's a limit to which one should upcycle. Can it go too far? This writer says "hells yes!". At what point do you say enough is enough? When you make small children cry is probably your cue to stop.

I have big love for people with imaginative minds and hands that need to create. I like wacky, twisted and bizarre art as much as the next guy. I appreciate it and I can "get" where they're coming from. But even this has me a little uneasy. Brava, crafty chick Vintage Meg, you rocked it....





Why yes, that is a doll's head mounted to an old trumpet surrounded by skeleton keys, clock gears, tape measures, parts of a child's toy, old typewriter keys and doll parts, thank you for asking.


Perhaps a closeup will clear things up a bit...






Nope! I think it just blinked at me... Go to a safe and happy place...Care Bears and puffy stickers...Care bears and puffy stickers....

Way-Out Wednesday: It Takes Two To Make A Thing Go...Wrong.

It's Way-Out Wednesday and I have a very special treat for you today! ...Come to think of it, I guess it's not so much a "treat", really, as it is more of a special kind of eye torture and mental fuckuppery that will stick with you...pretty much forever. What could possibly BE more fun, you ask? How about twice the terror? Sweet rapture! I'm doubling your pleasure and doubling your fun- not like that, perv. Oh, you'll see. You'll all see! Mwuahahahahaha.

So. You know how you're always asking me: "Kim, do tell: what would happen if a leprechaun, Ron Howard, anyone related to Ron Howard, Seth Green, a dozen hot wings from Hooters, a bachelor party blow-up doll, Prince Harry, the wardrobe department for the Little Rascals, Milton Berle, Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch, every 1940's cartoon cliche of a hillbilly, Drop Dead Fred, Malachai from Children of the Corn, Johnny Rotten, a pre-op sex change Lucille Ball impersonator, Axl Rose, and half a pound of baloney had twins?"

I can finally answer that. This:






Because your parents don't screw you up enough during childhood, why not go the extra distance and multiply every Poltergeist-esque night terror times two, permanently sealing the deal of a lifetime of emotional and mental scars that no amount of Valium, Jim Beam, and experimental shock treatment can cure. Thanks, Mom!

Way-Out Wednesday: Goo Goo Muck

Welcome to this week's Way-Out Wednesday! As you may have noticed, I do love me some vintage creepy-ass dolls. Like, alot. I'm like a magnet to finding them, they call to me. It's a gift. Like I'm a goth girl, except, you know, without all the white face makeup, black lipstick, Joy Division tapes and journals filled with "no one knows me and the world is such a crap place" poetry. I hope you're not bored with the abundance of vintage dolls I've been posting about lately, it's just that I'm *so* in awe of them (read: terrified) and absolutely amazed that these ever made it to to production! Why, I have to know, WHY?!

So this week's visual A-bomb is not actually for sale. In fact, I found it over on Thrift Shop Horrors- a fun blog to read when you have down time. If you haven't seen it yet, well, it's nothing but entries from people who take pictures of strange shit they find in thrift stores. I will say that alot of the stuff they think is a "horror" I tend to covet, so to each his own. I'm not sure of it's vintage-ness and I certainly have never seen this doll before, so it's new to me. The doll in question below was found recently at a thrift store by one of the posters over there, so I hope it's cool I write about it here. If not, then too bad because I'm doing it anyway.

First, please read the disclaimer below so I don't get sued for wrongful death.


**If you have a bad heart, are currently pregnant, are on anti-psychotic meds, are under the age of 10 or over the age of 60, believe in God, have a tendency to get possessed and speak in tongues, have recently had a home perm, or think that mankind is whole-heartedly good: you should not go on. Back away, do not scroll down, go have a cup of chamomile tea, take a Valium and finish knitting that vodka bottle cozy for me. You have been warned. Enjoy!



Here she is, in all her glory! You know I love to spread sunshine and happiness:






????


!!!


???

I can't... I just...can't.


???





"Goo Goo Muck" but the Cramps.