Saturday, September 20, 2008

Time To Get Ill

I think I may have the Plague. My current state is "Mostly Dead" and let me tell you it feels like a 7 a.m. hangover minus all the funs from the night before and that is NOT FAIR. I'm not sure where exactly I contracted this Black Death, though I think it was from this one time, in the Fire Swamp, I got a wicked bad bite from a rat on steroids. Farm Boy Wesley and I ran like hell through there and had to sword-fight some dudes and we visited a magician in a tree and then we killed the bad guys--only to find out that we were just a fairytale being read to Kevin Arnold by his grandpa Columbo. And if you're down with ANY of that, then you get 5 gold stars. And if you're down wit' O.P.P., you get 5 million gold stars.

While I was in a head-full-o-cement state yesterday, I learned a few things that you should never do when you're really sickly:

1. Never take a cold pill and then get in your car and drive to the drug store to load up on more because chances are you will get home and not even remember driving in the first place. And non-drowsy pills LIE because they are chock full of drowse.

2. Never make a phone call that requires remembering something, as in making a doctor's appointment. You will forget when and what time you're supposed to be there and then you'll have to call back and you will probably feel slightly ass-like asking "Umm...yeah, hi. I just called and made an appointment but I forgot to like...write it down or whatever...*What* day am I coming in again?...". Or maybe you don't care about looking like a jerk to your medical staff. You know they're all making fun of you when you hang up the phone, right?

3. Trying to do actual work on the computer while slowly dieing does not result in actual work. It starts with good intentions but eventually you'll get sidetracked and if it's not porn or Pac-Man, it's weird medical facts.

Which is exactly what happened to me and I started looking up what the Plague is and how it started and eventually I came across weird medical links. I learned the most fascinating and irrelevant thing of all time, which I naturally feel I must pass on to you all. Did you know that to get drunk faster, you shouldn't drink beer the normal way but...oh, how to put this delicately...put the bottle where the sun don't shine? It's TRUE. Emptying a bottle of beer into your nether regions will result in instant drunkitude. Look it up. I would never kid about beer and booty.

So that's all for now. Back to death I go, weeee! Perhaps I'll discover more fun facts. In fact, maybe I should have a weekly segment called "Disgusting Medical Fun Facts That I Bet You're Gonna Try".

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Rico Suave

You know what's been bugging me lately? (Besides politics...the in-laws...most people...the "check engine" light that never shuts off...) It's the fact that every year, the "Fashion Trend Reports" come out in the fall and again in spring, predicting what'll be "hot" (that word is horrible) for the season. I can pretty much tap into my mighty psychic skillz and predict it. For free. And without needing to be some useless, borderline retarded fashionista either. (*cough* Posh Spice *cough* Paris Hilton).

All you need to do is repeat the SAME EXACT TRENDS every season. I'm going to take a WILD guess and predict that for fall, earthy hues with a punch of "jewel tones" (ie: amethyst purples, garnet reds and the like) will be major, as well as plaids and tweeds, throw in some leather, suede, and velvet. Am I close? I damn well SHOULD be, because those are the "trends" for fall from the PAST 4 YEARS. Lucky Magazine should hire me. I'm a freaking GEM, I say. MSN Shopping (like they've got their pulse on what Kids These Days are wearing) predicts- and I quote-

"While traditionally a time for subdued colors, this fall is defined by rich hues with exciting undertones expressing sophistication and elegance. Plum and deep purple are the colors of the season, while camel, olive, and mustard vie for second place"

Are they saying that earth tones and jewel tones are a hit? No kidding?!

"The over-riding trend this season is tactile fabrics in ultra-sophisticated effects and finishes that add richness to clean tailoring. The favorite fabric of the season is wool, but in featherweights that highlight your figure. Textured effects on tweeds, Shetlands, or mohair add rich detailing that remains light and warm, while rough-cut hemlines appear on the more dense fabrics to create a threaded effect. Houndstooth, plaids and other traditionally masculine patterns are found in everything from coats to handbags."

I NEVER in a million years could have guessed that wool and tweed and plaid patterns were going to be popular. I'm such a dope.

I bet for winter people are going to wear...oh, I dunno...COATS? And perhaps BOOTS of some Ugg-like variety? Time will tell if I'm right. I think we need to bring the muff back (I said muff) in sheared beaver (come ON, I couldn't stop myself. I have a problem. Sorry.) And 1920's knickerbocker pants for men. And Charlie Chaplin style bowlers. And the Stutz Bearcat will be THEE car to drive. See? What the hell does Donatella know anyway?

No? FINE. If you insist on your wools and your plaids and your whateverthehells.
I loves me these capris! From Viva Vintage Clothing come these wonderful vintage 50's, red plaid (check), wool (double check) capris with little laces on the hem. Not too useful in the fall and winter here in Poconos hell, but surely you California folk can rock these. ROCK THEM I SAY.

But don't say I didn't predict that earmuffs would be cool.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Wooly Bully

If you're ever really bored one friday night waiting for Rick to call you with a lame excuse why he can't take you to the Def Leppard concert only to find out that he took that skank Tiffany who works at the Orange Julius in the mall instead -or- your boss took the day off and you can live up to your full slack potential at work by playing Frogger and shopping on ebay to find the 1984 Rainbow Brite that your mom wouldn't buy because it was $19.99 and your brother needed a perm instead and apparently a man perm takes priority to childhood happiness, then I HIGHLY recommend wasting time on this site called Yearbook Yourself.

You upload a picture of yourself and then it shows what your yearbook picture would look like from the 1950's to 2000. Because I am solid in my ability of making an ass of myself, please enjoy the wonder that is called Kim Through The Years:

This is what I would have looked look like in 1966. Not too shabby so far...


1968...still not overly grotesque...


1976...when I was born, y'all...


1978...good lord...the 'fro is never a good look on a white girl...


1982...My eyes! NO! Won't somebody think of the children?!...


1994, when I graduated (Go Green Knights. Worst football team in the history of high school football.) I neither had hair *this* Aqua Net-friendly, nor did I hang out with Uncle Jesse.