Thursday, March 19, 2009

That's All Right

It's like I always never say, you can never have too much Elvis memorabilia around your house, classing up the joint. The Gotta Have It Collectibles, Inc. company in New York is holding a 9 day auction of Elvis rock and/or roll stuff-o-rama, ending on the 25th. You can waste a ridonkulous amount of time on their site looking at all the marvelous crap you can bid on. Natch, there are a few big ticket items that you can kiss your sweet ass goodbye on unless you want to sell your firstborn (ponder that a moment), but there are also much less expensive lots for under $25. (Granted, the cheap stuff is mostly magazines and records you can find at Any Thrift Store USA for a buck, but still.) Here are some of my favorite things:


Vintage 1950's Teddy Bear brand perfume? Hmm. Let me think about that for second. ICK.


Elvis was a crossdresser. He even has his own line of makeup, like RuPaul would if he could step to the magic which is called Elvis. (Also, I thought the fine print said "Teen Angster" at a quick glance. Did you know Nirvana wore this brand? It's true.)


Vintage 1950's wallet. Apparently you put a picture of your beau in the middle. I'd put a picture of Colonel Sanders there.


Vintage 1950's Elvis Trapper Keeper, for holding your love notes or novelty pencil top erasers or shivs, or whatever it is teenagers carry with them these days.


OMGILOVETHISSOMUCHICOULDCRYORKILLSOMEONE. Vintage 1950's Elvis dog tag sweater clip? So many levels of awesome. Also, the teen angster on the card has no nose and it looks like Elvis may have bitten it off.


(Is it weird that I really want to wear this? Not in a pervy way, just a "hey what's up guys. I'm just hanging out in my jumpsuit" kind of way.)


(Is it weird that I really want to wear these? And totally in the pervy way. I want to get in Elvis' pants. HA! See that? See how I double entendred the crap outta that?)

"That's All Right" by Elvis Presley. DUH.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Way-Out Wednesday: Undone

Today's Way-Out Wednesday's vintage pick is the godawful sweater. We're not talking about the disgusting vomit-of-shapes-and-color-on-acrylic Cosby sweater.


And I'm not talking about the gem sweater, worn by women thinking it was their "fancy goin'-out" sweater named Debbie in the 80's, who wore Lee Press-On Nails with a "higher the hair, close to God" Jersey 'do, acid wash pleated jeans (sometimes accompanied by a denim Poison jean jacket) AKA My Dream Outfit and then in recent years the gem sweater was lovingly made famous again by the Gem Sweater Lady (AKA Leslie Hall).


We're talking about that one hot minute when character sweaters were the fad. They were generally cheaply made, the character portrayed on the front was unidentifiable from being cheaply and sloppily thrown together (what is WITH you Asian sweat shop workers? Slackers.) and the fabric of choice was not found in nature, so you get a wonderful all-day itch and couldn't wait to take it off when you got home from school and add the new Leather Boot and Pickle scratch-and-sniff stickers to your album that you traded some sucker with braces your Skunk sticker and Hairy Mary Garbage Pail card for. These sweaters were fuggo then and are just as fuggo now, yet now at least they've earned their "ironic style" stripes with the modern hipster. (Or dorks like me reliving their youth and no that's totally not at all unhealthy and yes I did notice I've been reminiscing a whole lot lately and have been crushing on stickers, so what.)

And now that the conflicting voices in my head have gone quiet, I present you a few lovely choices for today's Way-Out Wednesday. Each picture is clickable to take you to each Etsy seller's listing, should you too want to wear a vintage character sweater with your converse, hop on your banana seat bike with the new streamers and take off. FTW, adulthood! I said GOOD DAY, good taste!

Thalidomide Louis Armstrong? Sweet jebus that is gross. I'm almost 47% sure it's supposed to be ol' Satchmo...just with a misshapen newborn baby head and rocking an Abe Lincoln beard.

Don't have a cow, man. This looks like the old version of the Simpsons (Tracy Ullman Show era), when they had different voices and their faces were all wrong. Thalidomide Simpsons?

There's something weird about Pee-Wee. I don't remember him being a Rude Boy, but it all makes sense now.


*"Undone-the Sweater Song" by Weezer

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

And the 50's BOOK WINNER IS....

...Chantelle! See that? You don't have to be a major comment-leaver or hardcore follower to win! Cash or puffy sticker bribes usually work, though. (Chantelle, drop me an email with your name & mailing info and I'll get the 50's photograph book out to you!)

Thanks to everyone who wanted to participate! You guys kind of rule that way. Keep a lookout over the coming weeks for what April's free crapola will be. (I'm open to suggestions for giveaways, you know. What kind of crap do you guys collect or dig or would steal if conditions were favorable for thieving? Books? Vintage knick knackery? Glass unicorns?)

Alternative Ulster

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'm not Irish, I just pretend to look like I am. But that's not stopping me from having people over tonight and rocking the corned beef and cabbage! I know. I'm a party animal, try to stop me. Stupid cliche things that only hokey people do on this day-(PS: do not attempt any of these cliche stunts. Seriously. No matter how much people around you are laughing, it's at you, not with you):

*Drink green beer. A little bit, just for shits and giggles is swell and all, but too much and...remember the part in Goonies where Chunk is telling the Fratellis about the time he pretended to puke over the balcony of the movie theater and the people below, thinking they just got puked on for real, started puking on each other? It's like that. But you know, beer-scented. Enough said.

*Wear a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" pin. Chances are, you're not even Irish, you dork. And also, you're Irish, so what? I'm supposed to let you get to second base because of it? Well you would, but you don't need a novelty pin to be your wing man.

*Get drunk and either A) Sing "Danny Boy" with your idiot friends and/or B.) Think it's funny to break out your Riverdance moves. First of all, "Danny Boy" is sad. And you don't want to be sad in a bar. You can drink beers and cry at home any day of the week, so don't be a buzzkill. Secondly, I think I can speak for females everywhere when I say that Riverdancing is not a turn-on to chicks, no matter what you read in Penthouse Forum involving a busty blond, a clog-dancing farm boy and a red-headed midget.

Things I DO recommend and will be taking part in:

*Wear green. It's flattering on everyone and camouflages the green beer puke from the assholios at the bar.

*Shamrock shakes. I've heard from a few out-of-state friends that there is no such thing as a Shamrock Shake, to which I say BLASPHEMER! There IS TOO. If you claim to not know of which I speak, a SS is a mint-flavored green novelty milkshake from McDonald's during the month of March and it is crack-like and wonderful and better than puffy stickers, glitter tee iron-ons and Love's Baby Soft combined. (And yes, I do know it's not 1986, but in my head I'm always 10, so what.) You can find out if there's a McDonald's near you that serves them on the Find the Shamrock Shake website.

* Listen to "Jump Around" by House of Pain, at least once. Yeah, the dude's kind of tool-y (what's his name, the singer who got all wimptacular in the past 10 years? Right. Who cares. FTW, House of Pain), but still. Bagpipes & beats & rock mix win! Good for rocking out in your Firebird. Or whatever.

*Watch a classic St. Patrick's Day movie. The TCM tv channel will be playing a bunch of classics back-to-back tonight, good nerdy news if you're a movie-aholic such as myself. Here are a few vintage movie posters for inspiration:


You love the Duke/Maureen O'Hara combo. However, John Wayne will be played by a 1950's nuclear testing site dummy.


Before there was the TLC network on TV, there was Darby O'Gill and the Little People, Big World.


This poster makes me uncomfortable. But not in the good way.


Quite possibly, Jennifer Aniston's best acting work to date.


Oh jebus, there's more. "This time, luck has nothing to do with it." Ok, if you say so. This time, it has everything to do with Avon's Spa Therapy lavender-infused relaxation candles and Ped Eggs.


Oh come ON already. a 3rd one? Sure, whatever, terrifying, I'm bored now. "Welcome to Vegas...the odds are you won't leave alive." Not because of the gross little leprechaun. Because of the all you can eat $2.99 parasite buffet.

"Alternative Ulster" by Stiff Little Fingers<