Thursday, April 3, 2008

T'aint What You Do (It's the Way That Cha Do It)

Things that I think are *always* funny. I don't care if they ARE so 5 years ago and who ever said I was hip anyway? So what if my mind is always set in 1992 time? So what if my humor never exceeded 15-year-old-boy level? My mom thinks I'm cool.

1. Beavis and Butthead.
Cornholio! Metal! Poodles in washing machines!

2. Wayne's World.
Beavis and Butthead all growns up. Things I still say but probably shouldn't:
"Ex-squeeze me?"
"Okay, party. Bonus."
"It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine."
"Excuse me, but I believe I requested the hand job."

3. Catch phrases that *no one* should ever say again yet are still funny but if you say them I'll act like it's not funny and then expect YOU to laugh at me when I say them:
"This one time, at band camp"
"This is the big one! Elizabeth, I'm coming sweetheart!"
"Danger, Will Robinson"
"Time to make the donuts"
"I've fallen and I can't get up!
"I'm Rick James, bitch"

Also funny are stinking freaking Bes-Ben Hats. Ok, so they've been talked about before but when you feel craptastic and grumpy, looking at a Bes-Ben makes you feel less craptastic. (Still grumpy, though. I change for no one). And if you don't know about Bes-Bens being total 40's whimsies then you are dead to me and I SAID GOOD DAY SIR. They tend to be absurd and wacky and wonderful and wrong and ridiculous and strange and fabulous. I would like to wear fruit on my head at all times, please. They're funny lil' hats, but not in a funny ha-ha way. More like a "Oh, jumping jebus in a pickup! What a funny little hat! I will give my firstborn for that hat and will wear it everywhere and at the most inappropriate times. It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine."

This one is for sale by Antique Dress. Daiquiris sound good right about now, 10:40 in the morning is perfect.

Silver Moon Vintage has this cute little fun one. It's not *that* crazy koo-koo, but still great, so there.

Swans. On your head? That's crazy talk! (I must say though, that these pictures are not that awesome from the Bes-Ben website..oh Bes-Ben...whatsamattayou?!)


What pray tell, would you say is on top of this? Electric wiring? Italian fettuccine on pasta night? Aorta tubing? 'Cuz if it is then SIGN ME UP for a triple bypass.


Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Get Rhythm

So you're a guy heading to Viva Las Vegas and still haven't found the perfect vintage to wow the broads. No problemo. It's not too late, kid. Wear the best of the best from Fast Eddie's Retro Rags! All delinquent vintage, all the time.

Penney's Towncraft Plaid Panel Shirt Jac w/Flecked Sleeves, L:

50's 2Tone Rayon & Corduroy Loop Collar Shirt Jac, L:

40's/50's Rayon Gaucho Pullover w/Houndstooth Panel, L (Coming later today):

40's Cold Rayon Picnic Plaid Mohawk Sportswear Shirt NOS, L:

She'll thank you in the morning for being so damn awesome.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Tears of a Clown

Is it just me (most likely), or is April Fool's Day the WORST HOLIDAY of all time? It even beats out Arbor Day and Earth Day- but any holiday that beats out a HIPPIE HOLIDAY is fine by me, because hippies don't get all crazy-like over holidays anyways, so they shouldn't be out all saving nature and rescuing endangered...I don't know, what ARE all the cool hippies rescuing these days? Because saving dolphins is SO 1990. And it's NOT FAIR that they have a day dedicated to their earth hugging patchouliness. What do you do for us the rest of the year, HIPPIES? Maybe I want a tree planted the day AFTER Arbor Day, well then what am I supposed to do? And where's MY day? Maybe I need a day dedicated to watching a Saved By the Bell marathon, drinking daiquiris and not getting out of my pajamas all day, because that will help EVERYONE out in the long run. TRUST. And is April Fool's Day even considered a holiday? An event? Or just a no-titled kind of day, just good to pull pranks and play tricksies? ( preciousss...) What is it? WHAT IS IT?! If someone could tell me, I would appreciate it.

A million years ago (or maybe 13) in my first year of college I made the mistake of letting a couple of hippies that I worked with at the health food store talk me into the working at the renaissance faire. The the REN FAIRE, PEOPLE. And it was VOLUNTEER. Brutally long days in the dead of summer outside with no air conditioning, acting a damn clown for idiots from out of state who just paid too much for their Jumbo Turkey Legs, in the woods, with flying insect bug type things everywhere, walking, for free. Also known as the worst summer of my life so far or ever will be or ever was in any past life or ever will be in any reincarnated lives in the future. Looking back I must have been high (on life) to think this was cool...but I vaguely recall after many, MANY beers thinking that having "volunteer Ren Faire wench" on a resume would be a great idea. Like any prospective employer would read my resume and think, "She walked around all day working a fake British accent and quoting Shakespeare?! Surely you jest! Corner office!". The joke was on THEM though, because I came back the following October and volunteered for the Edgar Allen Poe Haunted Halloween Village, this time walking around rocking a fake British accent, quoting Poe and wearing ZOMBIE MAKEUP. I showed THEM alright. Hippies, you fooled me for the LAST TIME.

But don't you be a fool. You will love these crazy novelty prints and whimsical nonsenseries to celebrate the day of tomfoolery. Which I hate. The day, I mean. Not the stuff below, suckas.

This is so wonderfully bad and badly wonderful. It's aqua. In a diamond shape. And you hang it on the wall so everyone can marvel at it's kitschy wrongness that is so right. From Dandelion Girl

Keep your knight in shining armor close to your heart (aww shucks) with this cutie pie vintage blouse from Denisebrain. It'll be up for sale in a few days, hold your horses people.


Shields, axes, pointy stabby things? What more could a girl ask for? From my friend Jody at Couture Allure

The Shadow Knows

You know how they say "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb? Well who are "they"? And why do THEY have say in the matter anyway?! Who picked THEM to be dictators of saying stuff? I wanna say stuff too! I'm writing a strongly worded letter to "them" about the matter. Anyhow, they were WRONG. Today is the last day of March and it is not going out like a lamb. It is grey and rain-like and not on the springish side and all around craptastic. The kind of day which I love, shock and surprise. Maybe it's because I'm a Scorpio and we like the Dark Side. Dreary days make me happier somehow and I get more work done, like writing grumpy blogs. I think I need re-wiring because that seems unholy. Mother nature, you FOILED ME AGAIN.

Also unholy and wrong yet crafty and fun for the whole family is this page that come from a vintage cookbook, from LemonLovesPepper. You never know when you'll need to hide the evidence and cut up your side of lamb and feed it to the cops while they case over your apartment. Anyone who knows what I'm talking about gets a shiny new quarter because if you love a disturbed tale as much as I do, then PROPS TO YOU.

Not gruesome, but these lions DO look like they are bad mutha's (shut yo' mouth). You can find this vintage 60's displeased lion novelty print blouse at Fast Eddie's Retro Rags