Friday, August 15, 2008

Sex Bomb

Quentin Tarantino, after years of wondering what kind of crack you must obviously be smoking, I'm really OK with your muses being Uma Thurman and Rose McGowan. Seriously dude, it's all good in the hood. But have you learned nothing from the Tragedy of Kim's Bad Hair Year?! If it ain't broke, don't fix it and all that. No matter how many films you make, each one similar to the next, I don't mind sitting through yet another 2 1/2 hours of seriously awesome violence set against a mixed tape soundtrack of obscure surf instrumentals and 70's funk. In fact, I demand you do so. No? Your artistic creativity feels stifled and unprogressive? You think you need a change from the safe and familiar? Well DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.

Quentin Tarantino is supposedly remaking the 1965 cult classic Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! with either nutbag Britney stinking freaking Spears playing the role as Varla or the skank who is an actual Professional Skank Tera Patrick the porn star~which is not to say I have a problem with porn or the stars of such, but come ON, there is a limit to Woody Allen-esque nuttiness. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, other than the grammatical errors and it being of course, a lame run-on, which is how I rolls. Allow me to break it down. Hammer time!


1. Remaking a classic is always never a good idea and the end result is tragic. I can see why Tarantino would be all over that film, but sometimes awesomely bad yet badly awesome movies should be left alone. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Quentin, but will someone please warm up my bitch-slapping gloves? The boy ain't right.

2. Britney Spears. Oy. Vey...The part she was considered for was the part of Varla who was originally played by Tura Satana. She was a hot piece-o-ass back in the day, for sure. Oh and by the way, a minor little detail: she's Japanese.


Britney Japanese chick...Britney Japanese chick....What the hell, QUENTIN?! Sweet fancy Moses, George Takai would have been a better choice for the love of Pete. (Who is Pete and why do we need his love anyway? He thinks he's so great. From now on, I'm saying "For the love of Kim". Try it out.)

3. Tera Patrick is your SECOND CHOICE? While I realise being quirky and wacky is your thing, but goddamn, a random porn star is neither quirky nor wacky. You know who is quirky and wacky? Bea Arthur. I fully support Bea Arthur playing a lovable little murderous lesbian.

You too can look like a go-go dancing, pistol-packing, hot-rodding, fast pussycat sex machine. Just add a vintage 50's tight gold lurex catsuit and stir. From Dorothea's Closet Vintage:

Bea Arthur approves this message.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Bitchin' Camaro

Did you ever make a hasty decision about something only to regret it and wish you never did it in the first place? I don't mean the kind of regret like say, becoming a hitchhiking axe murderer ghost on Dead Man's Curve, nay, something on a much smaller scale. The kind of regret that's enough of a kick in the pants to get your ass working on fixing that damn flux capacitor so you can go back in time and make sure you don't screw up the Enchantment Under The Sea dance. And do I make too many Back to the Future references? Readers vote: "Yes! And please continue to do so!" Ok, no you didn't but let's pretend you aren't sick of my desperate clinging to my youth by using played-out movie references, shall we?

A year ago I made the worst decision of all time that forever changed the course of history as we know it (no it didn't). For over 10 years I had red, red, Lucy-red hair. But there came a point when I was sick of being known for my hair. Well that and of course my magnetic personality, large boobs and Maxim-esque body. So last spring I thought "Hey, I have a great idea. I should do something wacky and drastic and spontaneous and not well thought-out at all. What could POSSIBLY go wrong." And I dyed the red hair jet black so by the time winter came I couldn't stands no more. Chances are if you have black hair and you can rock the hell out of it, you have the right skin tone to pull it off. Me? Not so fortunate. Black hair aged me about 10 years, making me have the sparkling appearance like that of a a well-worn bar hag smoking Lucky Strikes and drinking whisky sours and thinking the 21 year old Joe College frat boys I'm hitting on are laughing WITH me. Granted, I'll turn into that broad ONE day, but it's not my time now. Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. Goonies never say die!

So I've been growing out my hair since last November--NOVEMBER. And let me say that I haven't seen such amazingly awesome white trash 2-tone hair since 1987 when girls named Tiffani dotted their "i's" with hearts and dated guys named Rick and Brad who drove Iroc-Z's to Whitesnake concerts.

Moral of the story: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if you do decide to go ahead and screw with it, make sure it doesn't look like ass.

In honor of my 1/2 brown, 1/2 black 'do, enjoy some 2-tone vintage eye candy while I'm at Tiffani's House of Feathered Hair and Dorothy Hamill Wedges.

From yours truly and awesomely at Fast Eddie's Retro Rags this vintage 50's silk blouse and full circle dress set by Cadillac Sportswear:

From Damn Good Vintage, this tiny but wonderful vintage 40's brown and pink deliciousness. BROWN AND PINK, bitches! You heard.

A message to you, Rudy: get crazy on this kickass 2tone spectator handbag from Listit Vintage Cafe. Great price too, at 18 bucks. That's just crazy talk. Someone better JUMP on that, suckas.

And although I'm officially bored to tears of the keyword "Kramer" being used for these shirts (1996 is over dude. UP...with THAT?), I still must give props to the random ebay seller who has this up for auction:

Monday, August 11, 2008


Isaac Hayes. He was a complicated man but no one understood him but his woman. He was the cat that won't cop out. Well I certainly do not dig it, the voice of Chef on South Park, died yesterday. No more Chocolate Salty Balls for us.


He certainly was one bad mother (shut yo' mouth). You're damn right.