Friday, August 15, 2008

Sex Bomb

Quentin Tarantino, after years of wondering what kind of crack you must obviously be smoking, I'm really OK with your muses being Uma Thurman and Rose McGowan. Seriously dude, it's all good in the hood. But have you learned nothing from the Tragedy of Kim's Bad Hair Year?! If it ain't broke, don't fix it and all that. No matter how many films you make, each one similar to the next, I don't mind sitting through yet another 2 1/2 hours of seriously awesome violence set against a mixed tape soundtrack of obscure surf instrumentals and 70's funk. In fact, I demand you do so. No? Your artistic creativity feels stifled and unprogressive? You think you need a change from the safe and familiar? Well DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.

Quentin Tarantino is supposedly remaking the 1965 cult classic Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! with either nutbag Britney stinking freaking Spears playing the role as Varla or the skank who is an actual Professional Skank Tera Patrick the porn star~which is not to say I have a problem with porn or the stars of such, but come ON, there is a limit to Woody Allen-esque nuttiness. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, other than the grammatical errors and it being of course, a lame run-on, which is how I rolls. Allow me to break it down. Hammer time!


1. Remaking a classic is always never a good idea and the end result is tragic. I can see why Tarantino would be all over that film, but sometimes awesomely bad yet badly awesome movies should be left alone. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Quentin, but will someone please warm up my bitch-slapping gloves? The boy ain't right.

2. Britney Spears. Oy. Vey...The part she was considered for was the part of Varla who was originally played by Tura Satana. She was a hot piece-o-ass back in the day, for sure. Oh and by the way, a minor little detail: she's Japanese.


Britney Japanese chick...Britney Japanese chick....What the hell, QUENTIN?! Sweet fancy Moses, George Takai would have been a better choice for the love of Pete. (Who is Pete and why do we need his love anyway? He thinks he's so great. From now on, I'm saying "For the love of Kim". Try it out.)

3. Tera Patrick is your SECOND CHOICE? While I realise being quirky and wacky is your thing, but goddamn, a random porn star is neither quirky nor wacky. You know who is quirky and wacky? Bea Arthur. I fully support Bea Arthur playing a lovable little murderous lesbian.

You too can look like a go-go dancing, pistol-packing, hot-rodding, fast pussycat sex machine. Just add a vintage 50's tight gold lurex catsuit and stir. From Dorothea's Closet Vintage:

Bea Arthur approves this message.

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