Friday, May 8, 2009

Salty Dog


Do explain, Flying Dutchmen, seeing's as though I'm just a dumb gurl and're saying we'll follow a man anywhere because of your fine blend of 18 different kinds of tobaccy? That we can be lead around willy-nilly, like some stupid horse chasing a carrot on a stick? So just because you say women will like it makes it so? Awesome. Then guess what? I'm the freaking new dictator of the world and everyone must do as I say. Or else. And are you saying that, what, we like a man to smell like pirate? Pirate funk is considered "mysteriously aromatic"? Interesting notion, 1970's tobacco marketing committee. Because I'm fairly sure women like men to smell like Aqua Velva and Slim Jims, and not of, say, sailors on shore leave, trout and rum. Oh Flying Dutchman, I can't stay mad at you. You had me at "Lead women around by the nose." Though I must say I like your old tag line "Flying Dutchman Tobacco: We haven't beaten a women over the head with a club and dragged her by her hair into our caves and had her make us woolly mammoth steaks since 1956!" better.

"Salty Dog" by Flogging Molly.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Way-Out Wednesday: Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu

Always the beacon of good taste and appropriateness, I thought today's Way-Out Wednesday should be dedicated to those pigs who are infecting the lower 48. And I don't mean the cast of Rock of Love. Thankyouverymuch. (Whaa? Is that not funny anymore?) No, I'm talking about a pig of a different color. So today's theme is in honor of a little something you might have heard of, the swine flu! Because you're not totally sick of hearing about it, right? I promise there will be no overdone jokes, though. This is a "stupid jokes about Kermit banging Miss Piggy and hence the swine flu was born"-free zone. But today's vintage finds of course have to have a theme, so why not make it all about the pigs? It's a porktacular! (Which is a word that I find so delightfully raunchy, since the only time I really use the word "pork" in a sentence is in reference to the act of porking, a la every early 80's teen comedy you've ever seen starring a Ringwald or a Cusack.) Let's move on to the porkfest, already... (OK, "porkfest?" I can't stop with the pork innuendos, I really can't. I'm sorry, I tried. Porkfest. Am I the only one who finds that word great? I am? Moving on.)


(It says "bone", uh huh huh huh. Sorry. The force is strong with this one.)

So now, on to today's Way-Out Wednesday's vintage hamtastic finds! (Ok, I'll stop already). All the items below are (as of right now) for sale, and so you know, I have zero affiliation with any of the sellers. Click any picture to take you to that listing, should you need more porking good fun in your life. (No really, I'm done.)

A disturbing vintage 50's tablecloth. Look at their wee faces, they totally know what's gonna happen next. Creepy...which I why I love it. Plus, I wish I had one of those oh-so-mid-century brick bbq pits like the dude has in the background. (Just like the one that Lucy and Ethel took apart to find Lucy's ring and put back together all half-assed and wrong.)

A ham tile. Right. Cool idea this seller has: take old tiles, cover with vintage ephemera (like pictures from 50's cookbooks or old magazine ads) and upcycle them into usable "art" again. I love that idea! But a ham roast tile? That isn't (Ha!)

Now we know who to blame for the swine flu. Jackie Gleason the infected ham.

Not vintage, but how cool are they? Teeny little ham sammiches! I love wee things! I wish I had the patience to do crafty things like this. I just love the randomness of these- ham sammich earring? Why not!

Male Chauvinist notepad from 1980! I love that. I bet some 80's douchey businessman type of guy got this as a gag gift from someone who bought it at Spencer's. And then did a line of blow off it.

"Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu" by Johnny Rivers

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Facts of Life


Is that so, Mr. creepy/sleazy 1970's English Lit college professor who smokes reefer with his students between classes in one of the students' dorm rooms and is all about being "the cool professor" so he tells his students to call him by his first name and is currently shacking up with Debbie, a 19 year old student in his "Shakespeare 101" class who happens to be as dumb as a bagful of hammers but boy does she wear those skintight Sassoon jeans like it ain't nobody's business and convinces her when he tells her he's leaving his wife of 25 years to be with her, but little does she know that he plans on dumping Debbie because he's gotten tired of her and is planning on trading her in for a younger model, an 18 year old named Candace who just moved here from the cornfields of Kansas to make her "big city dreams" of becoming a famous Broadway actress come true (but those dreams are broken when creepy/sleazy college professor breaks up with her, and turns to a life of cocaine and stripping, a la Jenny in Forrest Gump) when they go on their weekend getaway to his creepy/sleazy cabin in the woods in upstate New York and listen to Jim Croce on 8-track and get stupid tipsy on a box of wine and then they shag on the creepy/sleazy cliche bearskin rug in the front of the fireplace and afterwards, they both enjoy a satisfying Fact cigarette, that the previous owner of the cabin left behind when he moved out.

"The Facts of Life" sung by Gloria Lorin, lyrics in part written by Alan Thicke. Yes, the very one.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe


"Sharonda? It's Rap'n Kent calling, your sexual chocolate for the evening. Haul that slammin' jammin' booty of yours on over here. I've got Barry on the hi-fi, the Colt 45 chillin' and 240 dollars of puddin' with your name on it. I coulda bought 100 dollars of puddin'- and that woulda been a lotta puddin'. But Rap'n Kent went all the way. Rap'n Kent knows how to do you right, girl. Awww, yeeeah."

"Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" by Barry White.