Thursday, November 6, 2008

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

Today marks a monumental day in history, for 'tis when yours truly blessed the planet with my presence. You're welcome. Today I'm celebrating- (not so much celebrating as mourning, really) my 29th birthday. For the 3rd year in a row. I know I should feel older and act older and have like, maturity or some stupid shit that comes with age, yet...I don't. Screw you, Father Time. I'm never acting my age, so there. That'll learn ya.

This arrived today, all fall color-y and whatnot and smells remarkably wonderful. At least, in comparison to the odors that normally are found in a house full of gross boys.

Flowers? Check.


Cake? Check. DUDES. Dig this crazy cake my Very Important sister had delivered to my door. It's so cool! Why, you ask?...


Fondant DICE, mofo's!


But what better way to turn a year older than to buy yourself something great. Maybe not great, but fun. Not so much fun, really, as ridiculous. Yep, that's it, ridiculous.


That's right. I bought myself a "Shut Up, Hippies" tee shirt. Usually, I find people who wear "funny sayings" tee shirt to be GIANT douches. Like the disgusting college losers in "Imagine Whirled Peas" shirts or cornhole jocks in "MILF Hunter" shirts. But a hateful-to-hippie shirt is EXACTLY what this world needs more of.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Working For The Weekend

Thank jebus these election shenanigans are over with and everyone can please chill the freak out and shut the funk up about it already. It's been great and all, but I'm over it. Thank you and good day to you, sir. I'm so drained from it all that I could probably pull a Rip Van Winkle for the next 4 years, wake up and be perfectly fine with it. What I wouldn't be fine with is the little story I'd like call call: "Frightening Tales of Extreme Leg Hair and the Case of the Very Grumpy Eyebrows", so someone should really start stockpiling the Nair for my awakening, thankssomuchyou'rethebest.

But before I head out into the forest to be with my woodland critter friends, 7-midget harem and into my Disney brand hyperbaric chamber, I shall leave you all with one last view of election day stupid:



Does anyone really give a flying rat's ass who Paris voted for? Who the flip CARES? Because I'm pretty sure her one vote for Tila Tequila for president ain't gonna matter. Unless Tila plans on mandating "free wonky eye surgeries for all!", then Paris' vote is probably important.

Monday, November 3, 2008

It's Now Or Never

Tomorrow is election day, in case you didn't know that. I'm sure it almost totally slipped your mind, what with none of the news channels, papers, websites and blogs covering it non-stop for the past month, so it's a good thing I reminded you. You're welcome, I'm sure.

Now, I'm not a political person. Reading a copy of Assembling Your Carburetor For Dummies would be easier and more fun for my brains to absorb than it is to get into politico mumbo jumbo, so based on that I'm not going to talk about who I'm voting for or why you shouldn't vote for the other guy. We're all screwed no matter who's in office anyway, which is why I will never be a political zealot for any candidate. No matter what is being said or promised, there are some things that we seem to forget are a constant: we will always pay taxes and they will rise, the price of gas, electricity, heating costs, groceries and well everything will continue to rise and our troops will be in Afghanistan until 2012 and no current leader can do anything drastic about it. Sorry peeps, this is just how it is. If you think I'm crazy, well I say to you: "quite possibly" and we'll talk in a year and see where our new leader stands. Grim? Maybe. You call it "pessimism", I call it "realism". So put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

That being said, I most certainly will go out and vote for who I think is the lesser of 2 evils. I most certainly will wear some sort of cheesy red, white and blue ensemble and wear my retarded little "I Voted!" pin all day. Let's not forget through all this "I'm right, you're wrong!" crap, we still have a pretty kickass country. While it may not be perfect, what country IS? We have more freedoms than most to do almost whatever the hell we want to. If I want to hang a Rebel flag next to a Black Panthers banner from my front porch, I can. Confusing as hell, yes, but the point is that I can.


And most of all, let's remember that while a leader can make certain aspects of life annoying, in the grand scheme of things we are in charge of our happinesses, we are in charge of downfalls. You have every power to determine what kind of life you want to live.

If that's not enough, then how about this: Starbucks is giving away free coffee all day if you go in and tell 'em you voted. Only in America, bitches.

Now go vote your faces off and shut the hell up about it already!