Saturday, June 21, 2008

It's Not Easy Being Green

Summer is officially here and you know what that means?! Forced fun outdoors, yay! At my house it means pool time. And by pool I do not mean a fancy pants one but those ghetto blow-up ones from the dollar store. Which is totally misleading because it was *55* dollars, not *A* dollar. Jerks. The pool has been blown up for 2 weeks now and did you know that you have to keep an eye on the chlorine and add more tablets, like, regularly? You probably did. But me? More with the daiquiri-blending and less with the chemical-checking!

I finally checked it today because I'm mom of the year and anyway it's been raining for the past week so there was no need to be outside tending to our sad excuse for a pool. All the tablets were dissolved and the pool was filled with actual stalagmites of mud at the bottom and suicidal bloated caterpillars that fell in from the trees above and now resemble fuzzy cocktail weenies. Also, I just wanted a chance to say "cocktail weenie". Should the water be slimy? My sources say no! You know what's a great idea? A cover! A novel idea that I should have thought of 2 weeks ago. There were things MOVING in it. Tiny squiggling nauseating things that I later found out were not tadpole babies like I initially freaked the funk out about but in fact, mosquito bambinos. Which is grosser? You decide! I thought perhaps frogs were doing it in the pool when no one was looking. You know how they get feisty from Boones Farm and Led Zeppelin records.

And may I take a moment and ask, were pickings REALLY that slim that Kermit had to settle for a verbally abusive pig as a mate? And about the mating, what would their spawn look like? Probably abominations that would make even baby jebus cry. What would this new disgusting breed of animal be called? Frigs? Because that is an excellent word. And chances are, they'd GET IT ON in my pool since that's where all the action happens apparently. They just better bring enough Boones Farm for the rest of us.

I'd much rather see frogs gettin' their freak on here, on this skirt. Cute novelty print vintage 60's skirt from Hooked On Vintage :

Cuter than Kermit and sans the skanky swine, this wonderful little vintage 70's patch oughtta do it. I'm not sure what that means either. From kissmyvintage:

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Don't Take Your Guns To Town

Recently I was interviewed by a Big Cheese Blog Type Person and it was all about me! me! me! Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! Which caused my brain to go into panic! scream! flee! mode, because I'm a worryholic about being so personal, since half woman/half robots like myself do not have a setting which allows us to indulge fascinating snippets of our lives online and the thought of being all up in the public's grill makes my feet tingle, like when you're going up that first big hill of a roller coaster, but not in a good times way, more like a "oh sweet jebus, I'm going to crash and burn, goodbye cruel world" way.

So one part of the interview was about vintage in your town, like is there any. And I was harsh (shocking) on this craphole of a town, because it's a college town- a university town even, and there is NO scene whatsoever in these here parts, which you'd think there's be SOME kind of indie hipsters out here. I always wish there were some peeps like me around here that I could befriend and later loathe, as all of mine have spread to the 4 corners of the world, leaving me hanging to dry here in Commuter Hell. But no. There is no fashion-forward or vintage-loving folks around here, no rockabilly hipster scene, no nothing. But we have hippies. Dirty, stinking college hippies. The WORST kind of hippy known to man.

These are some of the fashion monstrosities I noticed around here. The people in my town should follow these rules. Why? Because one day everyone will realise that what I've been saying all this time is RIGHT.

1. White people, ESPECIALLY the 18-22 year old Jetta-driving, Dave Matthews-listening, plastic bucket drum-playing, Recreational Studies-majoring kinds, should never have dreads. NEVER. I swear to god, if I carried scissors on my person and if ever I was stuck behind one of these types in line I would CUT THAT SHIT OFF.

2. Men should never, under any circumstances, wear sandals. This also applies to hippies and their Birkenstocks, who also should never wear them in the winter with socks. You know what? No one should wear Birkenstocks. Men's feet are the second ugliest thing on their bodies and should not, under any circumstances, be on display in open-toed footwear. And I shouldn't have to say this but may I remind you that sandals also means flip-flops, which is also against the Rules According To Kim and you will be voted off my island if I catch a man wearing them. I'm sorry, but there can only be one dictator. And I tagged myself "it".

3. The OVER oversized sunglasses thing is tired, my pretty bitches. You are neither Mary Kate nor Ashley Olsen and if you ARE Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen, may I remind you that the oversized sunglasses thing is tired, my pretty bitches.

4. Really, really ridiculously tan girls with really, really ridiculously blond hair. People are STILL spray tanning? Really? It's such a hip look here in northeast PA, what with all the swanky beaches and hip hollywood types hanging around the Pocono Mountains and all.

5. Yoga pants with roofie-inflicting overly sexual sayings on the ass makes my heart sad and also makes me wish the girls that wear them get a serious bitch-slapping by Shanequa from around the way who WILL cut a bitch where she stands. "Spoiled Rotten"? "Diva"? "Monostat McSlutty Britches"? Didn't their mommas ever teach them that puttin' all out there in the open isn't sexy? We really don't need to read what's written on your clothes to already know what you are.

eVintage Society's Blog Tag Wednesday!

VINTAGE OR BUST!~Blog Tag Wednesday~ Animalize!
June 18th, 2008

Its Blog Tag Wednesday at the eVintage Society!. Animals...we love ‘em, we love to wear ‘em! Prints, that is. Show us your animal prints!

I've been tagged by Empress Jade Vintage!

1) Show us your favorite piece of animal print apparel in your inventory!

I only have one animal print right now, which is odd, but it's a cool one I think. This sucka is on Etsy~ a zebra print 80's shell top:

2) What is your favorite animal print to wear & why?

Overdone but always classic~leopard of course! There's nothing quite as awesome as leopard prints from the 50's and early 60's.

3) Favorite to sell?

Again with the leopard. It's timeless and always popular, so it's almost always a hot seller. Sellout, much?

4) Favorite pet and best pet story?

The last pet we had was a goldfish named George that ended up going down the porcelain express, as they always do. He was a carny fish after all.

5) Scared of animals? Which one scares you the most & why?

Animals and I are not amigos. I'm not really an animal fan, sorry (not really). Is it embarrassing to say that I hate, despise and loathe fish? I can't swim with them, no lakes or ponds for me thanks! I've had nightmares of swimming with fish, where they got caught in my bathing suit and were flapping around. Eew.

6) Favorite animal to visit at the zoo or to collect images of?

Like I go to the zoo...or collect animal pictures. Ha! Although I do enjoy the mean ones, like lions and such and kind of secretly hope to see them attack. Is that disturbing and wrong? Probably.

Until next Wednesday! Back to you, eVintage Society!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Forty Miles Of Bad Road

I'm sorry (not sorry), but I can't take any more talk of floods or rivers or water or flooding rivers. Unless of course something truly kickass happens, like the flood washes out a carnival and a gang of midgets (little people, SORRY) riding on top of elephants who are eating the organ grinder while his monkey is singing O Solo Mio is floating down the street, I can't talk about it anymore. I just...can't.

Mother Nature is a beotch. Weather happens people, why do we always get so surprised when the weather takes a dump on us somewhere in the States? Well let me make a few predictions. I bet this summer the West and Southwest will get really, really...wait for it...HOT. Record-breaking kind of hot. The kind of hot that everyone will talk about for a week straight, including water shortages, bans on washing cars and Ye Olde Swimmin' Hole drying up and who will think of the children?! "It's gonna be a hot one today"- you THINK so genius? And my amazing psychic powers of powerful psychic amazement don't end there, let me take a stab at what this winter will be like. I'll bet this winter there will be...wait for it..SNOW. And I bet there will be aLOT of it somewhere, say, New England. I bet there will be SO much snow somewhere that the township will be in a state of emergency. I bet schools will even close. Take THAT Miss Cleo, I can predict the future too.

It's hot. White hot. From MY weather beotch (I don't know what that means either) Julie of Damn Good Vintage.

Too bad it's on hold. Sorry (not sorry), I couldn't help myself from showing it off. See?! The lesson: Life will always be full of sick humor, it doesn't stop but eventually it's funny. Next stop: Tornado in the newly rebuilt Kansas trailer park!