Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Don't Take Your Guns To Town

Recently I was interviewed by a Big Cheese Blog Type Person and it was all about me! me! me! Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! Which caused my brain to go into panic! scream! flee! mode, because I'm a worryholic about being so personal, since half woman/half robots like myself do not have a setting which allows us to indulge fascinating snippets of our lives online and the thought of being all up in the public's grill makes my feet tingle, like when you're going up that first big hill of a roller coaster, but not in a good times way, more like a "oh sweet jebus, I'm going to crash and burn, goodbye cruel world" way.

So one part of the interview was about vintage in your town, like is there any. And I was harsh (shocking) on this craphole of a town, because it's a college town- a university town even, and there is NO scene whatsoever in these here parts, which you'd think there's be SOME kind of indie hipsters out here. I always wish there were some peeps like me around here that I could befriend and later loathe, as all of mine have spread to the 4 corners of the world, leaving me hanging to dry here in Commuter Hell. But no. There is no fashion-forward or vintage-loving folks around here, no rockabilly hipster scene, no nothing. But we have hippies. Dirty, stinking college hippies. The WORST kind of hippy known to man.

These are some of the fashion monstrosities I noticed around here. The people in my town should follow these rules. Why? Because one day everyone will realise that what I've been saying all this time is RIGHT.

1. White people, ESPECIALLY the 18-22 year old Jetta-driving, Dave Matthews-listening, plastic bucket drum-playing, Recreational Studies-majoring kinds, should never have dreads. NEVER. I swear to god, if I carried scissors on my person and if ever I was stuck behind one of these types in line I would CUT THAT SHIT OFF.

2. Men should never, under any circumstances, wear sandals. This also applies to hippies and their Birkenstocks, who also should never wear them in the winter with socks. You know what? No one should wear Birkenstocks. Men's feet are the second ugliest thing on their bodies and should not, under any circumstances, be on display in open-toed footwear. And I shouldn't have to say this but may I remind you that sandals also means flip-flops, which is also against the Rules According To Kim and you will be voted off my island if I catch a man wearing them. I'm sorry, but there can only be one dictator. And I tagged myself "it".

3. The OVER oversized sunglasses thing is tired, my pretty bitches. You are neither Mary Kate nor Ashley Olsen and if you ARE Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen, may I remind you that the oversized sunglasses thing is tired, my pretty bitches.

4. Really, really ridiculously tan girls with really, really ridiculously blond hair. People are STILL spray tanning? Really? It's such a hip look here in northeast PA, what with all the swanky beaches and hip hollywood types hanging around the Pocono Mountains and all.

5. Yoga pants with roofie-inflicting overly sexual sayings on the ass makes my heart sad and also makes me wish the girls that wear them get a serious bitch-slapping by Shanequa from around the way who WILL cut a bitch where she stands. "Spoiled Rotten"? "Diva"? "Monostat McSlutty Britches"? Didn't their mommas ever teach them that puttin' all out there in the open isn't sexy? We really don't need to read what's written on your clothes to already know what you are.

1 comment:

  1. hahahahaha

    What is the 1st ugliest thing on a man's body?