Ain't That Just Like A Woman

No matter how socially unacceptable and un-PC smoking is, I can't help but adore vintage smoking ads. Maybe it's a big screw you to "The Man" or something in me that's like a 14 year old, when you tell them to do something, they do the opposite. Or maybe I'm just a good ol' fashioned gal who likes her steak, beer and vintage, with a finely-tuned sense of "lighten the hell up already". I love ads from the 1940's and 1950's, with their celebrity spokesmen and glamorous spin (word up, Ronald Reagan & Joan Crawford), while the ads from the 1960's and 70's were blatantly in-your-face with the sleaze (which I do appreciate) and made no apologies for the double entendres. Granted, they didn't paint us broads in a very positive light by being nothing more than just sexy beasts, but come on, since when is that bad?

Enjoy this bizarre collection of vintage late 60's Tiparillo ads. I'll admit I don't quite "get" their message; Is it: Even boring-ass, hit-every-branch-falling-out-of-the-fugly-tree, lame-o nerdy chicks can be hot if they smoke Tiparillos? If that's the case, toss me a Tiparrillo because this nerdy chick wants some skankification. You know, in the good, 1967 kind of way.




I wanna be a slutty violinist.




Now I wanna be a slutty lab tech.




Now I wanna be a slutty dental hygienist.





Now I wanna be a slutty librarian.


I don't know why those ding dang women libbers think these kinds of ads are degrading to women and hold us back in the business world or whateverthehell. Look at all the career choices I've set for myself in the past few seconds, which is quite a feat, you know, being a highly-suggestible dumb ol' girl and all, just from the power of suggestion from an ad. I want to be a violinist, a lab tech, a hygienist AND a librarian~ sure, slutty ones, but isn't it good to have goals?






"Ain't That Just Like A Woman" by Louis Jordan

Rock Steady

Oh, I love vintage magazines like this July of '59 issue of Screen Stories, so full of 50's-style trickery. I can think of one really big reason why he won't marry her and it rhymes with "because he's just not into you, Debbie Power- or chicks". Oh wait, I gave away the ending. Sorry 'bout that. What I meant to say is that Rock Hudson is a virile, manly man who likes foosball, beer and boobs! No, really, he does. Though he pulls off being straight better than Tom Cruise does. (Hey- yo!) I do *adore* all of his films with Doris Day, Pillow Talk being my all-time favorite of the duo, even though it's borderline barfy-making with it's syrupy sweet corniness- which is why it's so great, no?





"Rock Steady" by Aretha Franklin

Pennsylvania 6 - 5000

Just one quick question- no, a few- no, 7 questions:

1. Is it not the coolest and way-before-it's-time-iest, Jetson's-esque invention?
2. Does it not also seem as though it became obsolete 2 seconds after it hit shelves?
3. How many people do you think did pervy things with it?
4. Doesn't it seem like this only belongs in the 70's Playboy mansion and Graceland?
5. Why can I not for the life of me remember this consarn contraption?
6. Does anyone remember it?
7. Do you think it came in any other color besides Harvest Gold and Avocado?





"Pennsylvania 6 - 5000" by Glenn Miller Orchestra

Way-Out Wednesday: Eyes Without A Face

I know a lot of people are into those "big-eyed waif" pictures by the artist Keane, popular in the 1960's and 70's, made "cool" again to the point of being uncool by trendy hipsters (or whateverthehell they're calling themselves these days), but apparently I'll just never be hip and awesome because I think those big-eyed pictures are fug. And scary. And if you really look at those pictures, all the kids (and dogs and cats) look questionably sad, to the point of tortured. Hang that up my wall, pronto!, and let the good times begin! Sad, painfully skinny girls playing in the dirt is usually good for a laff, but somehow these pictures make my heart sad. Well, almost. Though I would be happier watching a 24 hour marathon of Sally Struthers' "Feed the Children" infomercials than looking at Big Eyed Susie the Clown and Her Sad Kitteh Family. But that's just me. Little ol' unhip, untrendy Kim who doesn't wear day-glo 80's-repro sunglasses, skinny jeans from Hot Topic or listen to Fall Out Boy. I'd much rather hang out with the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies and dickheads. (Extra points to anyone who can tell me where that comes from!)

Enter the google-eye. It's the kinder, gentler and kid-friendlier version of the big-eye. You'd do art-and-crafty things like gluing googly eyes onto rocks and dumb crap like that in camp or juvie or prison, whatever. The googly eyes are supposed to be fun. Usually. Just not in this case. Please enjoy these lovely google-eyed freaks, in the form of vintage 60's postcards from Italy. (Click the first pic to take you to the seller's store to buy them, if you're into freak show things of this nature.)



Are you scared? Hurt? Sad? Do you need an adult? The bathroom? Why are you standing in garbage? What's wrong? What's the matter with you? What are you looking at?! Why aren't you answering me? WHY?!




Eating a nice steaming bowl of Mystery Yellow Liquid at midnight while simultaneously crying white tears, are you? Have fun with that.




Rex couldn't take being forced to do the humiliating "dog treat on nose" trick in front of his master's guests anymore. So he ate him.




"Hello, front desk? Who's leg do I have to hump to get a martini around here? And send up a bitch while you're at it."






"Eyes Without a Face" by Billy Idol

To The Aisle

This past Sunday I went to a Victorian tea & luncheon (I'm a party animal, try to stop me) hosted by my local county Historical Association, which I plan on offering my volunteer-y services for in their vintage clothing "department". (There really is no such thing at the moment, but with my offer to make one, there could be.) While the smoked salmon and watercress pinwheel sammiches were a big draw, I was really there for the vintage fashion show. It was a vintage wedding fashion show and I must admit, I've never been one of those chicks to give a rat's ass about big weddings, the overpriced catered food, the jillion cliched flowers (roses and lilies you say? Why that's never been done!) or the fug dress that only the bride thinks is wonderful. I find weddings about as interesting as listening to other people talk about their kids. (In other words, your kids and your wedding day sucks, so please stop talking about them. No one really cares and everyone has stories of own own, equally as boring as yours.) So you could say I was a bit cynical and slightly underwhelmed going into this thing.

Walking into the massive ballroom in the 105-year-old historic inn started the eye-rolling. There were over 200 people there, all women, all women wearing "shabby chic roses" ensembles, all of whom could probably spin ye a yarn about those crazy days of the kaiser and the day the mighty ship you might have heard about called the Titanic went down. In other words, the average age of the women there was about a thousand. Good lord, this will be a long frigging day. Now would be a good time for jebus to smite my ass, I thought. Turns out, a big chunk of the day was really quite cool after all. (Will Kim learn her lesson about being jaded and judgmental? My sources say probably not. But thanks for trying.)

The most interesting part of the fashion show was the older wedding attire, the dresses that were pre-50's, the stuff that you generally just don't ever see in person, outside of seeing pieces like these in movies. The collection was privately owned by a local woman and she knew the back story of every dress she had in the collection. Some of the stories were fascinating, some even made this cold metal heart o'mine even start beating again. (I'll spare you pictures of the 70's and 80's gowns because, eew.) The models are all local high school girls, some of whom are related to the original bride that wore the very dress they're modeling! I love serendipity. I love when I can use the word serendipity in a sentence and it not be entirely wrong.




This 40's wedding suit was bought back in the day at a local dress shop for $40!




40's blue velvet w/lace accents. Story is that the bride who wore this didn't see her husband for 6 years (!), as he was shipped out shortly after their wedding.




40's satin




30's satin w/mutton sleeves




30's pink lace bridesmaid dress. You can't really make it out, but the entire pattern of the lace is of big spiderwebs! Coolest dress ever.




20's drop-waist satin




This was the 20's flower girl dress that was in the actual wedding with the dress above. The little girl was the biggest hit of the day, looking like the spitting image of Shirley Temple! She was seriously the cutest little girl I think I've ever seen.




teens lace wedding gown, worn by the great-granddaughter of the original bride who wore this!




dress from 1902




white cotton from 1901




black wedding dress, worn in the 1870s and again worn in 1909 at her husband's funeral! You gotta respect a woman that comes prepared. And can stay the same size after 40 years of marriage.




"To the Aisle" recorded by the Five Satins in 1957.