Mission: Impossible

I know you've all been burning & itching like a contestant on Rock of Love, dying to know where I've been. How do I know this? Because all my one fan said "Dude, where've you been?!" I wish I could say I was doing something terribly clever and brilliant, like skulking about town fighting crime and carrying out wicked awesome spy missions with a superbad undercover handle like "Scorpio". Or "Gluteus Maximus". Or "Cornholio".

But I have not. What I *have* been doing is being aggravated, now with extra stabby action, fighting with my interwebs service. And next to teenagers these days, the second thing I can bitch about at length is my interwebs service and I've had little over the past week. And I know what the problem is, even! It's the skanky wire outside that needs to be replaced! You're fired, Verizon. At least your triflin' ass WOULD be fired, but I haven't been able to get in touch with an actual humanoid all week because the stinking freaking 800# menu is BROKEN. You know those really swell pre-recorded messages you get when you have to call a utility company? "Press 1 for English. Press 2 if you would like to pay a bill. Press 3 if this is a true emergency. Press 4 if you're a stupid ass named Kim who thinks she's actually going to talk to a customer service rep today." Hey! I'm a stupid ass named Kim who thinks I'm actually going to talk to a customer service rep today! Huzzah! But I kid you not, this is (pretty much, I forget the whole routine) what happens when I call the Verizons:

"Thank you for calling Verizon Online. Please have your account number ready. For English, press or say 1....[you know the drill, so I push the number for Tech Support and then wait]....I'm sorry, I did not understand your last command. For English press or say 1...[the menu starts all over again, so this time I chose the option for Customer Service]...the charming Customer Service operator answers and I tell Shanequa the operator- who sounds like she's filing her nails and talking to her cousin Shanaynay on her cell phone in the other ear- that I need Tech Support. She says she'll transfer me and I'm all Huzzah! again while I wait for another charming Verizon employee in the nerdtastic tech department...and I wait...and then: "Thank you for calling Verizon Online. Please have your account number ready. For English, press or say 1..." I was stuck in a damn LOOP! Are you kidding me?! So great, my life is now a Seinfeld episode. "Verizon Online. WHAT...is UP...with THAT?"

So if anyone knows a Verizon Online employee, would you please ask them what the fark is up with their jacked-up, broke-down, ghetto-ass, Seinfeldian-loop phone menu and then promptly kick him in the twig and berries for me? Then ask him the same question a second time, and kick him in the twig and berries for me.

Needless to say, it would have been a much cooler story if I was really riding around in the Mystery Machine, high on Scooby Snacks, kung-fuing the crap out of bad guys and evil-doers and foiling Old Man Johnson's plot to turn his barn into counterfeit money-making hideout. So let's just say I was doing that.

Embrace your inner Daphne. EMBRACE IT. From BoroughVintage, is this cutesy 60's purple number:



So you're more of a Velma, eh? Hmm. Well. Good luck with...that. At least there's the cute oversized orange turtleneck going for you. What luck, theVintageZoo has one. Find your own damn knee socks, what am I, your mother?



Back to my life of fighting the internets. But you can still call me Gluteus Maximus.