Like A Surgeon

Madonna turned 50! And unless Mulder and Scully know something about my memory being erased to forget this past week's really relevant celebrity news (is Lindsy Lohan still wearing black leggings and is she still a pseudo-lesbian? Is Jennifer Aniston still a clingy nutjob? Is that a baby bump on Katie Holmes or is she just riding the crimson tide this week? I NEED TO KNOW), there hasn't been much hoopla over her 50th birthday. ("Hoopla"? Am I a 1920's school marm? Yes, yes I am. Ain't that the bees knees. Now scram kid, you bother me, see?)

Speaking of 1920's school marms, I think it's about time someone make a Lifetime Movie about Madonna. If I were to make a movie of her life, who would I get to play her? Considering she's had 237 different looks over the past 25 years, I suppose I'd have to get different actors to play her at her various stages in life. RuPaul would play Madonna in her "I'm black" period, Rosie Perez would play her during her "I'm Latina" period, Woody Allen would play her "I'm Jewish" period and Dame Judi Dench would play her during her "I'm British and a classy broad now. Seriously, I have an accent and everything. And I tell people that I actually write children's books for extra street cred as a good mom. See?! I'm on the level. Why won't you people believe me, I'm classy, DAMMIT" period.

Of course, there are a lot of other times of her life that I haven't quite figured out just yet. Like the present Madonna. She's all over-toned and buff and...stringy. Not that I have anything against a woman trying to kick Father Time's ass, I say do whatcha gotta do, sister. But there's a point where you gots to stop the working out because before you know it, you go from looking like Tina Turner to looking like Mick Jagger.

Come to think of it, he would make a damn fine Madonna, wouldn't he? It's like they were separated at birth. Kind of.





Of course, if Mick can't do it, he'll need an understudy and I think I've got the perfect stand-in:



A chicken wing oughtta do it.

Don't get me wrong, I do loves me some Madonna~ or specifically~ I loves me some 1980's Madonna. This is the only way I want to remember her, the kickASS Madonna before she got religious, before she got all healthy and shit (what is THAT about?), before she got all saving the world-y : ratty hair, black rubber bracelets, tulle crinolines over leggings.



I would have KILLED for these shoes when I was young. In fact, I really, reeealy want to wear them now. Are they not *thee* best Madonna shoes evah? You know you want to wear them, you sneaky skanks, you TOTALLY do. If you have a size 7 foot (as IF), you can own these vintage 80's white lace boots. You heard me: 80's. white. lace. boots. They're up for grabs on ebay, click the pic to take you to the listing:



So happy belated birthday, Miss M! But please, put down the Jane Fonda videotapes and can of Slim Fast. It's OK to just sit on your ass eating Ben and Jerry's and watching Friends.