Alternative Ulster

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'm not Irish, I just pretend to look like I am. But that's not stopping me from having people over tonight and rocking the corned beef and cabbage! I know. I'm a party animal, try to stop me. Stupid cliche things that only hokey people do on this day-(PS: do not attempt any of these cliche stunts. Seriously. No matter how much people around you are laughing, it's at you, not with you):

*Drink green beer. A little bit, just for shits and giggles is swell and all, but too much and...remember the part in Goonies where Chunk is telling the Fratellis about the time he pretended to puke over the balcony of the movie theater and the people below, thinking they just got puked on for real, started puking on each other? It's like that. But you know, beer-scented. Enough said.

*Wear a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" pin. Chances are, you're not even Irish, you dork. And also, you're Irish, so what? I'm supposed to let you get to second base because of it? Well you would, but you don't need a novelty pin to be your wing man.

*Get drunk and either A) Sing "Danny Boy" with your idiot friends and/or B.) Think it's funny to break out your Riverdance moves. First of all, "Danny Boy" is sad. And you don't want to be sad in a bar. You can drink beers and cry at home any day of the week, so don't be a buzzkill. Secondly, I think I can speak for females everywhere when I say that Riverdancing is not a turn-on to chicks, no matter what you read in Penthouse Forum involving a busty blond, a clog-dancing farm boy and a red-headed midget.

Things I DO recommend and will be taking part in:

*Wear green. It's flattering on everyone and camouflages the green beer puke from the assholios at the bar.

*Shamrock shakes. I've heard from a few out-of-state friends that there is no such thing as a Shamrock Shake, to which I say BLASPHEMER! There IS TOO. If you claim to not know of which I speak, a SS is a mint-flavored green novelty milkshake from McDonald's during the month of March and it is crack-like and wonderful and better than puffy stickers, glitter tee iron-ons and Love's Baby Soft combined. (And yes, I do know it's not 1986, but in my head I'm always 10, so what.) You can find out if there's a McDonald's near you that serves them on the Find the Shamrock Shake website.

* Listen to "Jump Around" by House of Pain, at least once. Yeah, the dude's kind of tool-y (what's his name, the singer who got all wimptacular in the past 10 years? Right. Who cares. FTW, House of Pain), but still. Bagpipes & beats & rock mix win! Good for rocking out in your Firebird. Or whatever.

*Watch a classic St. Patrick's Day movie. The TCM tv channel will be playing a bunch of classics back-to-back tonight, good nerdy news if you're a movie-aholic such as myself. Here are a few vintage movie posters for inspiration:



You love the Duke/Maureen O'Hara combo. However, John Wayne will be played by a 1950's nuclear testing site dummy.



Before there was the TLC network on TV, there was Darby O'Gill and the Little People, Big World.



This poster makes me uncomfortable. But not in the good way.



Quite possibly, Jennifer Aniston's best acting work to date.



Oh jebus, there's more. "This time, luck has nothing to do with it." Ok, if you say so. This time, it has everything to do with Avon's Spa Therapy lavender-infused relaxation candles and Ped Eggs.



Oh come ON already. a 3rd one? Sure, whatever, terrifying, I'm bored now. "Welcome to Vegas...the odds are you won't leave alive." Not because of the gross little leprechaun. Because of the all you can eat $2.99 parasite buffet.


"Alternative Ulster" by Stiff Little Fingers<