Memphis Soul Stew

Welcome to another addition to Vintage Giveaway! This month's month's giveaway is a vintage 50's square "card table" tablecloth with a kitschy cute little embroidered soup bowl & spoon.



Oh, and a random fork. Yep. A fork. Just because. It's made out of soft white cotton, feedsack-ish. Measures 33" wide and 32" down, which is a little odd but if anyone can sashay the hell out of it, it's you guys. (And yeah, I totally said "sashay" because apparently I'm RuPaul.)




If you're all like, "Who plays cards? And who uses a tablecloth to play cards, any damn way? Nerd.", then you crafty types could probably rock it into something cool and upcycled like you do, maybe a pillow or a skirt? A little kitchen curtain would be swell, too. Whatever. Wear it on your head if you want, what do I care.

How it works: As usual all are welcome to sign up- first time posters, regular posters, old winners, old losers, everyone- and it won't cost you a dime. Free vintage crapola is my recession ass-kicker present to you. If you'd like to enter the contest, leave me a comment that you'd like to enter -or- if you can always drop me an email and let me know that way. I'll write everyone's name down and draw a very random name from a hat and post the winner in a week from now, on the 26th.

Note: I'd love a picture if you do take the tablecloth and use it as something else! Or as a regular ol' tablecloth. I'll do a blog post about your artsy fartsiness with a link to your blog/website/favorite meat wholesaler/whateverthehell. Free advertising for craftiness!



"Memphis Soul Stew" by King Curtis. Go funk yourself.

Eye Of The Tiger

Jumping moses on a pogo stick, I almost forgot about this month's vintage giveaway! How dare I and who do I think I am anyway? So without further yada yada yada, I bring you the free crapola vintage giveaway for April: vintage 50's sunglasses, shazam! These are certainly not schmancy by any means, white plastic cat
eye frames with thin green plastic (non-prescription) lenses by Cool Ray Polaroid.



(You are impressed by my fancy outdoor picture-taking skills, of that I am sure.)

I have far too many white cat eye sunglasses, though I'm not sure how that happened anyway. How very "1959 Barbie" of me. They're not the best of quality, most likely these were the el cheap-o drug store variety, but cheap ones are the best! (Screw you, Olsen Twins and your stupid $500 glasses.)

So if you want in on the free giveaway, sign up here by leaving a comment that says "Hey, I want free crap! I needs me some sunglasses! Throw my name in already, GOSH!". (And no, you don't really need to leave that comment. You can leave a comment in Elvish telling me to that I suck for all I care, just as long as you leave a comment that you want in!)

So. I'll pick a name... when?...how's about a week from today, the 24th? Good? Good. As always, everyone is welcome to play and it's fo' frizzle. (That means it's for free. I know I'm a cheese, as if I wouldn't know that.)



"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. Yeah, I know. Sorry 'bout that.

And the 50's BOOK WINNER IS....

...Chantelle! See that? You don't have to be a major comment-leaver or hardcore follower to win! Cash or puffy sticker bribes usually work, though. (Chantelle, drop me an email with your name & mailing info and I'll get the 50's photograph book out to you!)

Thanks to everyone who wanted to participate! You guys kind of rule that way. Keep a lookout over the coming weeks for what April's free crapola will be. (I'm open to suggestions for giveaways, you know. What kind of crap do you guys collect or dig or would steal if conditions were favorable for thieving? Books? Vintage knick knackery? Glass unicorns?)

Open Book

It's time for the March vintage giveaway! Can you even stand it? I know I can. I'm jumping the gun this month and doing it (I said doing it) a little early, since at the end of the month I'm going away on a super awesome happy fun time vacay and will have no time to delight the world with with the free crapola. (Actual "super" "awesome" or "happy" is debatable, since it is a vacation with family, after all. But they do put the "fun" in dysfunction.)

This month it's a vintage book. And before you're all "Uhh, a book? Thanks, mom. That's exactly what we always wanted. A book. Maybe next month you'll give us new socks if we're really good and do our chores. Swell." But there's hardly any actual reading required, just a social commentary of post-war America told through titled black and white photos. (Ha! I sounded like I knew what I was talking about there for a second!) Also, Reading Is Fundamental, bitches. The book is called: "The Fifties: Photographs of America." (Ok, so the book is vintage 1985, but it's still vintage so shut your pieholes. You'll love it. Why? Because I said you'll love it, that's why.)

As usual, everyone and anyone is welcome to sign up for the giveaway! (Except hippies.) Either leave a comment that you want in, or drop me a line at fasteddiesretrorags@yahoo.com. I'll randomly pick a winner (or whomever bribes me the best) in a week, on March 17. As usual, you don't pay a thing! And for your own protection (from loan sharks and common mob goons) don't post your name and address here!



Behold what you you'll feast your eyes on, through my crappy photo skillz. I said behold!



"Life in a trailer park."



"Working on the car." It's a good thing the author told us they're working on a car. I thought they were baking a pie.



"Showgirl and Eddie Fisher." More like "Eddie Fisher: Big Pimpin'." (Do you think he tried to sneak a peek at her rack?)



"Gang." Amy Winehouse and the Gang pile into the Mystery Machine and head on down to Coney Island, to crack The Case of the Missing 8 Ball.



"Jane Mansfield and her dog." Aww, c'mon, you knew there'd be a gratuitous JMan shot! (Her leopard swimsuit= love.) Making tiny, pain in the ass designer dogs that you carry in a Louis Vuitton handbag cool, way before Beverly Hills Chihuahua and that useless Hilton broad. (No, I mean, the other one.)



"Motorama". The cars of tomorrow, today.



Bunny Hop. Blasphemous teens! Avert your eyes to the sinning! Don't they know that dancing combined with rock and/or roll music sends them on a path straight to sexual intercourse- and then girls getting jobs- and then to the devil? It's time for an old fashioned bible-thumping, Footloose-style.

"Open Book" by Cake.

Mean-Eyed Cat

Happy stinkin' friday the 13th! I hope none of you are going to see the new Friday the 13th movie today, tomorrow or ever, but instead protest yet another remake abomination and rent the crappy original movie, in all it's awesomely cheesy 1980-ness. Impress your invisible friends with this random fact about today: Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the fear of friday the 13th. Seriously. People apparently have this disorder. I will use it in a sentence today: "I'm not one to judge or be critical, but Paraskevidekatriaphobics are weenies."

Second order of bizness: time to announce the winner of the wonderfully wrong cat vase pot-holding candy dish pencil holder planter dealie! Sparkleneely, you are one lucky beotch and are now the proud owner of Creepy Cat! (Drop me an email with your info and it'll be on it's way.) Your house just got a little bit tackier, and I couldn't be prouder that I had a part in that.

Thanks to everyone who made this monumental occasion seriously entertaining and sending some hilarious emails ("does said cat that you put your weed in come with said weed and if not, why?" Good freaking stuff, people.)

Stay tuned for next month's giveaway which will be St. Patrick's Day related, when I'll be giving out an indentured leprechaun to do your evil bidding and if bribed with enough Guinness, your laundry.

What's New, Pussycat?

Hey y'all! Turns out I'm not dead...only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. (Ha! Did you see that? Did you get that reference? Now that's what I call comedy, right? Retro movie quotes aren't played and over, are they? Anyone? Sigh. I know. I'll stop.) Actually, my ass was handed to me from a doozy of a flu for the past week. No big whoop, it's all good and I'm back, relatively germ-free. (And PS: what does "ass getting handed to you" even mean, anyway? According to the Urban Dictionary, it means- and I quote- "To be beaten like a Blind, Deaf, Dumb, Quadriplegic, Midget Hooker who owes her Pimp money." Umm, wha? That's beyond stupid. What exactly is beyond stupid is beyond me. I have too many questions today and should stop with the over thinking. But also, one more thing: the random and unnecessary capitalisation of words makes me stabby. Whichever loser wrote that entry should be beaten like a Blind, Deaf, Dumb, Quadriplegic, Midget Hooker who owes her Pimp money.) What was I saying? Anything important? Did I have a point? Who knows. All this DayQuil has me all verklempt. The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. Discuss.

One quick update: the vintage 50's cat planter drawing will be this friday instead of today, like I originally said. Why? Because I said so. Also, announcing a winner on Friday the 13th seems ominous and wrong and great. So people, you have 2 more days to sign up by leaving a comment here or emailing me. It's totally free! No big whoop.

Cat Scratch Fever

Today is giveaway day, my little porkpies! Just my way way of saying thanks a million to my followers and readers and arch rivals, without you I'd be talking to myself and most of the time the voices don't answer back and that gets boring. You guys rock and/or roll. So keep following, always feel free to leave a comment, keep sending the "I don't get it" emails. A few more "You are the bane of my existence. Also, you're awesome" emails would not suck either.

So without further blabitty blah, let's get to the free crap already, GOSH. Up for your approval is this limp-wristed, dead-eyed, vintage cat planter! Or you can keep Sen-Sen in it for when the kids come over to visit because as everyone knows, kids love the Sen-Sen. (Ps. Did you know that it was marketed as "breath perfume"? Gross. That's a fail, unless by "perfume" they mean the likes of say, Aqua Velva.) I used it to hold pens by my phone, for all those phone calls I didn't get. Or you can put your weed in it, what do I care. The kitteh is a wee size at a little over 4" tall. It has some crazing and is a little dirty on the inside, but then again who isn't?





Everyone is welcome to sign up! I'll pick a name from a hat and announce the winner in a week, on the 11th. If you want in on the drawing, you can either leave a comment or send me an email to that email address over there...on the right somewhere --->. Don't leave any personal info in a comment, unless you want all the world to know your name and address. The only person who'll know that stuff is moi, so if someone does a drive-by past your house and leaves a basket of muffins, you'll know it's me. Or maybe I'll just shout pretty random and indifferent things as I drive past, like "Today is Alice Cooper's birthday!" and you'll know it's me. And also, today really is Alice Cooper's birthday. I hope he's reading this and signs up for the cat planter and wins, so I can do a drive-by past his house and shout random things.

Hazy Shade Of Winter

The recent snowfall has taken another victim. Blaze the Horse is not putting up with any more shit today.



Can I just say how sick I am of the snow? I'm so sick of the snow. There, I've said it. If you live in, say, the perpetually on-fire California, you just can't smell what the rock is cooking when people like me bitch about snow and ice and cold and freaking weather. Who wouldn't want to wake up to this every morning? Isn't the grey, foreboding sky cheerful?



On the flip side, it's supposed to stay in the upper 20's this week, which is downright tropical in contrast. And you just know some buttmunch is going to be walking around town in a tee shirt. Probably one of our infamous college hippies, walking to the Starbucks with his other stupid hippie friend in flip-flops, so they can talk about deeply philosophical things like how smoking pot actually makes you smarter.

I've been pondering my own deep thoughts lately and have decided I'm going to start doing some kind of give-away. ("Take my husband. Please." That was way lame. I blame the hippies for stealing my mojo.) The winner will be one of you lovely readers, who apparently have some sort of sado-masochistic tendencies to keep reading this blog. The giveaways will be something vintage in nature and may be seasonal, they may be monthly they may have themes. But most likely they'll have no rhyme or reason and I'll do them whenever the hell I feel like it. "It's Alexander Graham Bell's birthday! Celebrate by signing up now to win a prank phone call from me!"

So stay tuned in the next week or so and I'm going to announce what sort of vintage nonsense I'll be giving away! ("Announce". Ha! Like I'm Ed McMahon handing out Publishers Clearing House checks. I'm so fancy.)