Saturday, September 20, 2008

Time To Get Ill

I think I may have the Plague. My current state is "Mostly Dead" and let me tell you it feels like a 7 a.m. hangover minus all the funs from the night before and that is NOT FAIR. I'm not sure where exactly I contracted this Black Death, though I think it was from this one time, in the Fire Swamp, I got a wicked bad bite from a rat on steroids. Farm Boy Wesley and I ran like hell through there and had to sword-fight some dudes and we visited a magician in a tree and then we killed the bad guys--only to find out that we were just a fairytale being read to Kevin Arnold by his grandpa Columbo. And if you're down with ANY of that, then you get 5 gold stars. And if you're down wit' O.P.P., you get 5 million gold stars.

While I was in a head-full-o-cement state yesterday, I learned a few things that you should never do when you're really sickly:

1. Never take a cold pill and then get in your car and drive to the drug store to load up on more because chances are you will get home and not even remember driving in the first place. And non-drowsy pills LIE because they are chock full of drowse.

2. Never make a phone call that requires remembering something, as in making a doctor's appointment. You will forget when and what time you're supposed to be there and then you'll have to call back and you will probably feel slightly ass-like asking "Umm...yeah, hi. I just called and made an appointment but I forgot to like...write it down or whatever...*What* day am I coming in again?...". Or maybe you don't care about looking like a jerk to your medical staff. You know they're all making fun of you when you hang up the phone, right?

3. Trying to do actual work on the computer while slowly dieing does not result in actual work. It starts with good intentions but eventually you'll get sidetracked and if it's not porn or Pac-Man, it's weird medical facts.

Which is exactly what happened to me and I started looking up what the Plague is and how it started and eventually I came across weird medical links. I learned the most fascinating and irrelevant thing of all time, which I naturally feel I must pass on to you all. Did you know that to get drunk faster, you shouldn't drink beer the normal way but...oh, how to put this delicately...put the bottle where the sun don't shine? It's TRUE. Emptying a bottle of beer into your nether regions will result in instant drunkitude. Look it up. I would never kid about beer and booty.

So that's all for now. Back to death I go, weeee! Perhaps I'll discover more fun facts. In fact, maybe I should have a weekly segment called "Disgusting Medical Fun Facts That I Bet You're Gonna Try".


  1. I hope you feel better real soon hun. And I dont drink but if I did there is NO WAY I would ever do that with a bottle. No flippin way. That would be interestin' if that became a new drinkin' trend.

    getting ass hammered.

  2. I also forgot to comment the other day on your point about getting in the car while pumped up on cold pills. Ive done that, then gotten to the store and roamed around the aisles for 25 mins. trying oh so hard to remember what I was there for. So I come out with more cold remedies, a 24 pack of toilet paper and something like dog bones....and I dont own a dog.