Galaxy 500

Don't you hate it when the last song you heard on the radio gets stuck in your head for days? When I came home yesterday afternoon the last song I heard was (sigh) "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone" by Paula Whoeverthehell. And now it WON'T GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Let me explain, lest you all think I'm some kind of granola-eating, fuzzy-legged, "nature is people too!" kind of wackadoo: We drive old cars. They have AM radio only. You know what you pick up on AM radio? Local college stations, Sports Talk and the news. Sometimes college radio can be very excellent, but on this fateful day, it was All Muff Rock, All Day~ imagine any day's lineup at the Lillith Fair. I'd probably have self-induced heart failure due to Extreme Annoyance at that clamfest. Not that I have anything wrong with people who dig that scene, but if I'm gonna listen to chick rock, then it's gonna be Joan Jett. Or Barbie and The Rockers. I'd rather saw off my right arm with a dull spork than listen to Sad Indie Girl That No One Understands With An Acoustic Guitar.

So the cowboy song that's still in my head is making me suicidal at this point and I start to question the lyrics and want to bitch slap the girl in the song, whining about her life of laundry and birthing babies and all I want to say is SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP. Don't blame your man because you got knocked up. No wonder your man spends every night at the bar~ you made him sell the '56 Chevy. I'd leave your ass too. The moral of this story: If your life sucks, change it. And don't live in the rural midwest, because that's where all of these Tales Of Housewife Horrors seem to happen. What's up with THAT, Kansas?

Quit waiting for your own cowboy because he ain't coming, darlin'. Be your OWN cowboy. Just do it well-dressed. And with shaved legs. Leave the acoustic guitar at home and no one gets hurt.

Life gets instantly better when wearing vintage western wear. Check out this ridiculously awesome 40's gabardine skirt from liberty_hill_collectibles. She's also selling a matching pair of 40's gab PANTS which are GREAT. They receive the Fast Eddie's seal of approval. Which means nothing.



Always with the gingham. FanTAStic 70's embroidered western snaptastic shirt from Jamere on Etsy. And if you're an angry chick type, what could be more ironic than having giant cocks on your shirt?

Dang Me

It's no secret how much of a huge dork for pop culture I am, right? If you don't know, then guess what? I'm a huge dork for pop culture, with extra love for the classic TV shows I grew up on. Smite me down Donny and Marie, but I AM a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll, crazy cuckoo for hillbilly culture~ wait, can you even CALL it "hillbilly culture"? Is that not PC? What can I call it? Aha! "Southern Culture" (on the skids, hardee har har). Well whatever. Country style fashion and music from the 40's, 50's and early 60's is just great, because there's never enough gingham or Benny Joy in the world. Hell, even Johnny Cash was in a couple of those really bad (read: awesome) 50's rock and roll movies, get a load of THAT.

So why is it that I LOATHE the hillbilly-esque TV shows from the 50's and 60's? Should I not love them, by all methods of deductive reasoning? They generally had good clothes in these shows so I should be loving it. But no. I do not. What is my problem? I'd rather stick my hand in a bag of razors and vinegar than suffer through the hijinks of those crazy kids down in Mayberry. Andy Griffith, you're too good to be a cop and your kid is annoying as hell. I said GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR.


Green Acres. Good clothes, love Ms. Gabor, hate the show. Plus, "Hooterville", really?!




Beverly Hillbillies. Good clothes, a hot piece of ass named Jethro, hate the show.



Petticoat Junction. Good clothes...Ok you get it by now, hate the show. Plus, is it not unsanitary to be bathing in the town's water tower?

"Sheriff, why does this here water taste funny"?
"Hmm....seems mighty fine by me. Tastes like Betty Jo".

Ahahahahaha....oh wait...Eeeewwww....

But give me a Dukes Of Hazzard marathon and we're ON, bitches. Even though it was the 70's, I can appreciate the awesome factor of the fashion. Great cast and freaking fantastic theme song. I had it as a ringtone during my period of of loving wacky ringtones, try to stop my and my zany antics, a long time ago until every meat head frat boy started using it as theirs, after seeing the Dukes movie- the one where Jessica Simpson went and skanked up the Daisy Duke part. Who knew it was even POSSIBLE to skank up that role, but she did, what with her huge rack and superb acting skills. I got to see the General Lee, or at least one of the 72 million General Lees out there, when I went to Tennessee a couple years ago. Hell, I even TOUCHED that bitch even though there was no touchy-touchy allowed. I thought "What would Luke do?" and the answer was as clear as moonshine. I'm bad ASS, am I not?

The thing about Tennessee is that it is Elvis-themed EVERYTHING, which is pretty much fine by me. Hell, if I was Tennessee I'd be pimping out Elvis all over the place too. But I have to question the truth behind every BBQ shack on the block advertising that Elvis ate there, Elvis' favorite fried pickles were sold there or Elvis picked his nose while driving past there. Whatever Tennessee, you still have mad street cred in my book and I'm just jealous. I'm from Pennsylvania and what can I pimp out? Bill Cosby? Neat. Sorry, but Fat Albert doesn't quite compare to the King, now does it?

Join me in the love of country-fried vintage. Fast Eddie's Retro Rags will dress you like your favorite hillbilly character.

You can't get more rock and roll meets country than this vintage 50's cotton JD blouse with gingham panel:


Or this vintage 50's gingham taffeta total hot rod cutie of a dress with rhinestone buttons:


Guys, you can do it too (I said "do it".) How about a vintage 40's Mohawk Sportswear cold rayon loop collar shirt with a picnic tablecloth print~ and it's new old stock to boot:


Or a vintage 50's orange gingham panel loop collar shirt:

Sink With California

Having some extra free time on my hands lately and the unwise use of it by watching total crap television has made my level of stabbiness rise to unsafe levels. Some fashion statements I am OVER:

1). Emo glasses on boys. And girls too. Ok, emo glasses on anyone human is stupid, really. Emo glasses on a monkey, however= fantastic. The cool nerd look has been done before. Ever hear of Buddy Holly?

2). Eyeliner on guys. Specifically, eye liner on pseudo punk/emo boys in bands who are trying to rock being edgy because they are hardcore and the hilariousness of it is that they are the farthest thing from edgy nor are they being hardcore *anything*. Perhaps hardcore jackasses, yes. Hardcore rockers? My sources say nein! Dumm kopf. (Of course I'm talking to you, douchebag that is famous for dating then impregnating then marrying Ashley Simpson.) Sensitive and misunderstood emo boys: It's been done. You're not hard. You're not artistic. You look like a bunch of flaming mary's. And not in the good way. It's been done before. Has anyone heard of The Cure? Or Boy George? Or Alice Cooper? ExACTly.

If you or someone you know is a guyliner addict, the good news is there's still hope. Please call 1-800-DUMBASS for the help you deserve. Our operators are standing by 24 hours a day with a bar of soap and are hands-free for bitch slapping some sense back into you that has been lacking for so long. Some trends must die. Don't let the guyliner trend take another victim. Dumbasses.


3.) "Edgy", asymmetrical haircuts. Has been seen in conjunction with fashion tragedies #1 and #2 above. Often seen in the art/fashion/music circles. As with #2 above, this is hardly a new style and therefore you are not edgy. Sigh. How many more times can I say "edgy" anyway? It's been done before~ by every new wave band in the 80's.




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Fierceness, you have met your maker. Emo glasses? Check! Edgy, asymmetrical haircut? Check! Guyliner?... Guyliner?!... WHAT? No GUYLINER?! You sir are neither fierce nor cutting edge! Sporting 2 out of 3 Fashion Trends That Won't Die will not suffice in this Coldplay kind of world.

The Girlfriend Of The Whirling Dervish

You're all just itching to discover every nook and cranny of my mind, yes? Lucky you, my nooks and crannies are HOT. Maybe they're not so much hot as they are mildly interesting. And maybe not so much mildly interesting as they are nerdy. And nerds are cool, have we not established this fact via Hot Topic's "I heart nerds" tee shirt craze, circa 2004?

~~Warning! Self-plug alert!! (I said self-plug)~~

If you're jonesing* for a Kim fix (and who DOESN'T want more of this raging grumpy hot mess?), check out my made of awesome interview on Lulu's Vintage Blog. There you will see A.) a picture of a fantastically sunburned me while on vacation in Florida (shout-out to Jen!) and 2.) the answers to my in-depth interview questions that made me feel slightly like I was on stage at a Miss Universe pageant. The only question missing was "If you could do one thing to change the world, what would it be?". And the answer would not be "world peace" my friends. I just don't roll in the "I'm OK, you're OK" way. Nay, I would answer more like: "I would be supreme ruler and dictator for life of the universe and make everyone who ever slighted me eat raw eggs like Rocky then take a 5 mile run before I made them spontaneously combust". And you thought I was bitchy. Just read the interview and tell me you love me, peasants. Or don't. I'm indifferent today. I've heard that you can read the interview out loud in sync to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon". That's the kind of awesome it is.

*Does anyone post 1988 say "jonesing" anymore? Is that as lame as "cool beans" and "Hello! McFly!"? If someone could let me know, I would greatly appreciate it. Or just let me look like an out-of-touch loser, that's OK too. I've got a whole carton of eggs with your name on it, infidel.

eVintage Society's Blog Tag Wednesday

Its Blog Tag Wednesday at the eVintage Society! Its hot!! What better time of year to shimmer like the ice cubes in a vodka-lemonade? Refresh those who admire you with some summer sparkle! Let’s see what you’ve got!


1) Show us your favorite vintage sparkling stunner in your inventory! Rhinestones, sequins, beads…show us your shimmer!

This is perfect for summer shimmer. (Say summer shimmer 5 times fast!). This 50's swanky cocktail dress with GOLD PAINTED huge roses and GOLD GLITTER polka dots. If that ain't sparkle-rific, I don't know what is, foo'.





2) Rhinestones on daywear? Yes or no?
Hells belles YEAH! Why not?

3) Favorite beaded bag or jewelry in your inventory or personal collection?

This really freaking awesome vintage Sarah Cov bracelet! It's covered in colorful stones and confetti shapes. Very mid century modern and now I wish I was keeping it and not selling it!



4) Colored rhinestones or clear, which do you prefer?

I'm so white bread, I really like clear rhinestones!

5) Cubic zirconia, costume rhinestones or REAL diamonds? Be honest!! Which will you wear?

Costume rhinestones, hands down! I'm cheap. Oh yeah, I said I'm cheap.

Thanks for the tag Empress Jade Vintage! Until next Wednesday, back to you eVintage Society

Hey, Bartender

Did you ever have one of those wickedly down in the dumps kind of days/weekends/millenniums, the kind where you're just plain old indifferent and blue, for no particular reason, just *because"? No? Well I'm glad to hear the Prozac is working for you. For me, sometimes the only thing that works is putting on old jazz records~ and I don't mean that in a "get off my lawn and turn down your new fangled Hall and Oats jazz records!" kind of way, but in a for real jazz records kind of way.

Nothing makes me feel as justified for being pissed off and sad and angry all at once than by listening to a scratchy, poor quality record of Big Bill Broonzy or Big Maceo... or ANY old timey blues singer from the 30's and 40's with the name "Big" in it for that matter. Sitting on my porch with a High Life with records playing in the background and pretending in my head that I'm a downtrodden soul in the bayou can be therapeutic when you've got the blues, because after listening to these guys wailing their hearts out, you realise life doesn't suck quite as much as you think it did. After all, did your man leave you after taking your dog, your furniture, the last bottle of beer and took off with your best friend Ida and all he left you were your 7 kids, a half a package of crackers and a packet of ketchup? He did? Man, what kind of loser are you anyway? I feel bad for you, kid.

If you're a lady singin' the blues, check out this incredible dress with a picture of a lady...singin' the blues. It's not vintage, but there's something so intriguing about this long black dress with Billie screen printed on the bottom. Because if anyone knows whats its like to be down and out it's Billie. It's not very easy on your wallet ($495.00, zoinks!), ain't that a kick in the head? But very cool. You can get this and other rock and/or roll fashions (Elvis skirts! T-Rex dresses!) from Fashion Rocks.

Convoy

So today I found myself blissfully alone in the house for a couple of hours. Though I wish I could say I spent the time wisely and efficiently, cleaning the house with the help of my bluebird and squirrel friends while whistling a merry tune, I did not. Nor would I ever consort with rodents or possess an iota of happiness while doing something like cleaning, unless there were say, percocets involved. No, what I DID do was lay around and watch the Twilight Zone, because that's just as useful as chiseling old toothpaste off the bathroom sink. And what luck! One of my favorite episodes came on before the boys came home and broke up the party. It was the one called Nick of Time and it is wonderful for a couple reasons: A). The cars are beyond cool and B). William Shatner is a PIECE in it. Did you know he was this hot? Because he is. I'd like to rock his great big convoy all through the night, hey-yo! (That was awful, I know. I apologise.)



Try not to think of him as the Shatner you know from the late 60's doing his spoken word thing before Henry Rollins stole the idea in the 90's or when he hosted VH1's 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders. Think of him as the lovely side of beef he was in 1960. And while the clothes in the episode were not too terribly impressive, my little lump of lovin' rocked a delightful tight Ban-Lon shirt, did he not?


You know what they say about boys who wear tight sweaters, don't you? My pants off to YOU, Mr. Shatner. Pants off to you.

If you or someone you know has the pectorals to pull it off, I strongly suggest this not-too-shabby version of Shatner's, available from Ballyhoo Vintage. Cheap and hot. The way I like my men.