Monster Mash

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.




M is also for Mighty Men and Monster Maker.

I have to say that even with all my nerdy love for pop culture, I don't really remember the Mighty Men and Monster Maker toy, and it was even from my era of growing up in the 70's and 80's. It was a boy toy (and not like in the "big belt buckle, mesh tank tops and rubber bracelets" Madonna way), so maybe that's why my rememberence is void. In reality it's pretty cool, with plastic mix-and-match plates that have men and monsters printed on them (well, duh) and you put paper over your creation and voila! An outline of a man/beast creation you can color.



We girlies had the chick equivalent of the MM and MM called Fashion Plates, which was the same concept, only with mix-and-match plates of Barbie-looking skanks in total 80's fashion glory and feathered hair. It. Was. AWESOME.

So The Ball and Chain has been talking (whining, really) about it for the past couple of years, but what I hear when he's rambling is the Charlie Brown teacher voice: "Wah wah wah, wahwah wah waah" and I throw in an "uh huh...wow...neat...uh huh..." every once in a while to feign actual listening. Which is probably the same thing he does when I'm rambling about the thrilling sale on toilet paper at Walgreen's. So a couple months ago he started back up with the "All I want for my birthday this year is the Mighty Men and Monster Maker and nothing else will make me happy and nothing ever will until I get it" speech. I KNOW ALREADY. GOSH. So good news for him, I found the damn set in a antique mall for $30 and his life's dream was fulfilled. Until he remembers another toy from his youth and I have to search the bowels of hell to find it. Proof #4 jillion that even at 35 men never grow the hell up.

Behold! Terror beyond comprehension.





That being said, I would give my left ovary to have a Fashion Plate set again. Maybe I should start bitching about it for the next 3 years, forcing my husband to search the bowels of hell to find it and then my life's dream will be fulfilled...



...Only I would mix up the pieces from the Mighty Men and Monster Maker set with the pieces from the Fashion Plates set to make the coolest yet most disturbing creation of all time. I'd call it Monster Men Fashion Plates.

*Monster Mash byBobby "Boris" Pickett

Rock 'N' Roll High School

3 things of (probable non-) interest to report, all of which made me weep a little, and considering crabby fembots from hell don't cry, this is a death-defying feat, for I now may rust into indifference and never again will I be able to bitch so carefree and full of vim. But screw you, vigor!

1.) The first of incidents happened yesterday at the bus stop. As in, *school* bus stop, not grody public transportation bus stop. The last time I was on a public bus it made me itch and rue the moment I declined on bringing a flask of Jack Daniels along for the ride. So waiting at the bus stop sometimes results in awkward social situations, as it did yesterday when I was forced into making that "pleasant conversation" BS with a teenager waiting for her little brother. So we were talking about absolutely nothing and I dropped the line "get medieval on your ass" and I immediately knew I said something painfully unhip because she looked at me like I was speaking Yiddish and went "umm, WHAT does that mean?"...crap....here's me: "You don't know that phrase?! Say WHA? Everyone used to say it...you know...from Pulp Fiction..." and she goes: "No. I never heard that. I was like, 2 or something when that came out".

Holy snapple, sweet baby jebus smite me where I stand right now. Send a swarm of locusts to annihilate me into oblivion. Better yet, send a Flock of Seagulls. She was 2 when I was 18 and now I feel OLD. Old and ridiculous. I'm 31 and that's not old, right?! But apparently Teens These Days hate me and I'm officially An Adult. Well who the hell said it was OK for THAT to happen? At what age do we go from young and hip to old and embarrassing? Because inside my head I feel exactly like I did when I was 18 and seriously, I know I'm a total dork, but I thought I was a somewhat happenin' kind of dork. The Magic 8 Ball says "Don't count on it".

2.) The second thing makes me weep, but in a joyous way. I saw a guy in the mall (yes, I was at the mall. I was buying an Auntie Anne's garlic pretzel. Don't judge me.) wearing a tee shirt that said I ♥ Haters. That is probably thee best thing I've read in ages. It'll be my life's mission to find that shirt. FINALLY a tee shirt company "gets" me. Up yours, Hot Topic, you don't know me, I'll cut you. Sigh. I do love me some haters.

3.) The third thing is the most grotesque thing of all and that, my friend, is the fact that not only am I old and not cool, but I am getting even older and not cooler in 36 days when I turn 32. I mean 29! Yes, I'm turning 29. For the 3rd year in a row. Here are possible gift ideas for you to think about at work today: mass quantities of Swedish Fish, a mixed tape of 80's metal, a Chippendale's dancer named Derek, a I ♥ Haters tee. Your call. Or maybe I'll just stay hidden in my bedroom that day reading The Babysitters Club and listening to Wham records.

My name is Kim and I do not support this message.

Wanna Be Startin` Somethin`

DUDES. Some parts of Michael Jackson turned 50 recently and ain't nobody gonna give the "man" a shout-out?! First Madonna and now this guy? Sigh. Do I have to do everything?! Fine. So what if he's a walking corpse with a face you can open bottles on? So what if he once was a black man who somehow has children of the corn, WASP-y kids and names them after inanimate household objects? So what if he owns 27 pairs of formal jammies? You act like he's a nutbag or something. GOSH.

Remember the time when he grabbed his crotch alot and wore a single silver sequined glove and had his hair set on fire and had a pet monkey and "dated" girls and was BFF's with Corey Feldman and no one thought having an amusement park in his backyard was creepy and also really creepy? Ahh...good times, good times.

Remember when "Thriller" was the most kickASSingest video of all time-- granted there were only like 4 other videos playing on the MTVs at that point, BUT STILL.



Scared the living bejesus outta me when I was 6 (ish) when it came out. Also scary are the Whitey McGees getting married out there who think it's really clever and amusing to have their bridal party learn & perform the "Thriller" dance as a surprise for their guests. I'm sure it's safe to say it's neither clever nor amusing, but actually quite embarrassing. So nerdy white people getting married: don't do the "Thriller". Doing the "I had the time of my life" Dirty Dancing routine is not acceptable either. Open for discussion, however: The Humpty Dance.

You love this jacket, admit it. It reminds you of Tab and Cool Ranch Doritos. And it's way tougher than a Member's Only jacket, which only weenies wore. The jacket is offered by a seller on the ebays--on a side note: I hesitated giving props to this seller, because their subtitle is a major fail: "punk vintage 80's LEATHER jacket pop rock NOT RETRO". I think they mean it's not a REPRO because it is nothing BUT retro. Typos and errors makes me angry. But still, click the pic to check it out:



On another side note: the jacket label is made of awesome...Metal.



It is anything BUT metal. In fact, I'm pretty sure if you wore this back in the 80's around real headbangers, your ass woulda been grass.

Shell-Shock

File under: So Many Questions, So Little Time.
Double file under: How DARE You Sell-Out My Youth?!
Triple File Under: Those Damn Teenagers Ruin Everything!

What JACKHOLE working for JC Penney advertising thought this was a great idea? Because he needs to be shot. Nay, something more medieval behooves me. Tarred and feathered? Methinks the best solution is he needs to be turned into a eunuch. Cheapen my memories of growing up in the 80's? I cut off your balls.

What 12 year old would have ANY clue what this commercial was referencing? Does anyone under the age of 25 even know what the commercial is spoofing? Pre-teens?! REALLY? The Breakfast Club?! REALLY? I can't...I just can't. Why, my little turtle dove John Hughes, WHY would you destroy your legacy of making the most awesome of teen flicks of all time? People, this isn't cute and retro! It's terribly wrong and I can't...I just can't.

I pour out my Colt 45 for you, John Hughes and totally rad 80's movies. You are all dead to me now. Thanks JC Penney!

I know you've all seen this, but watch it and join me in a cocktail or 4. If you need me, I'll be sitting in the DeLorean and listening to a Culture Club cassette.

Sink With California

Having some extra free time on my hands lately and the unwise use of it by watching total crap television has made my level of stabbiness rise to unsafe levels. Some fashion statements I am OVER:

1). Emo glasses on boys. And girls too. Ok, emo glasses on anyone human is stupid, really. Emo glasses on a monkey, however= fantastic. The cool nerd look has been done before. Ever hear of Buddy Holly?

2). Eyeliner on guys. Specifically, eye liner on pseudo punk/emo boys in bands who are trying to rock being edgy because they are hardcore and the hilariousness of it is that they are the farthest thing from edgy nor are they being hardcore *anything*. Perhaps hardcore jackasses, yes. Hardcore rockers? My sources say nein! Dumm kopf. (Of course I'm talking to you, douchebag that is famous for dating then impregnating then marrying Ashley Simpson.) Sensitive and misunderstood emo boys: It's been done. You're not hard. You're not artistic. You look like a bunch of flaming mary's. And not in the good way. It's been done before. Has anyone heard of The Cure? Or Boy George? Or Alice Cooper? ExACTly.

If you or someone you know is a guyliner addict, the good news is there's still hope. Please call 1-800-DUMBASS for the help you deserve. Our operators are standing by 24 hours a day with a bar of soap and are hands-free for bitch slapping some sense back into you that has been lacking for so long. Some trends must die. Don't let the guyliner trend take another victim. Dumbasses.


3.) "Edgy", asymmetrical haircuts. Has been seen in conjunction with fashion tragedies #1 and #2 above. Often seen in the art/fashion/music circles. As with #2 above, this is hardly a new style and therefore you are not edgy. Sigh. How many more times can I say "edgy" anyway? It's been done before~ by every new wave band in the 80's.




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Fierceness, you have met your maker. Emo glasses? Check! Edgy, asymmetrical haircut? Check! Guyliner?... Guyliner?!... WHAT? No GUYLINER?! You sir are neither fierce nor cutting edge! Sporting 2 out of 3 Fashion Trends That Won't Die will not suffice in this Coldplay kind of world.

Beat It

Late last night I was outside in my yard in the dark doing something incredibly Mischievous and Secretive (taking out the trash) when I saw out of the corner of my eye a *something* that made *some kind of noise*. If this happened during the day it wouldn't have been so freaky, because then it's generally crazy out there and noisy and the traffic and the oy vey. But at night it's a different world out there and every dirtbag and scuzzbucket (hello, Police Academy 2) is walking the street talking to themselves and doing god knows what. Not saying that I live in a bad area, but it ain't no Little House on the Prairie. Pa didn't tag the building in the vacant lot next door, did he? Which I think would be great fun if you were walking down the street and you saw "Ingalls Family Represent!" spray painted on the overpass. And there are actually sneakers hanging from the telephone lines outside. Really, sneakers?! I thought you only saw that crap on Terribly Cliched 70's Sitcoms in the Inner City like Good Times or Welcome Back Kotter. I mean really, who throws sneakers over the line these days?! And I checked. They aren't lame-yet-wonderful vintage 70's kicks either, but those horrid white vinyl ones with velcro that your mom bought from Kmart in the 80's thinking you'd like them, only to find that only the "poor kids" wore those and now you want to die of embarrassment, thanks mom, you ruined my life! Yeah, THOSE kind of sneakers.

But I digress. The noise in the yard, right. So I'm thinking, a cat...dog...bunny... Nope. It was a freaking SKUNK. Really, a skunk?! I mean really, this isn't the area or place for a skunk to be all hanging out. And IS there a place for a skunk to hang out? A skunk habitat? That would be a gross place to work and who loves skunks so much that they'd want to hang out with them on the farm all day? Freaks. So I froze in place, because apparently in my mind they can't see you if you stand still. But he looked at me and I looked at him and I was holding my breath out of sheer scaredy-catness and did I mention he was about 3 feet from me? And what was running through my head was all those things you learned in elementary school "stop, drop and roll!", "just say no!", "don't be a fool, stay in school!"...and nothing was getting me through this Very Tragic Moment In My Life and there is no Lifetime movie about encountering evil skunks. So then I get mad, like who do you think YOU are skunk? And my fightin' defenses kick in and I'm thinking that the stripes on a skunk are pretty cool actually, and perhaps Cruella deVille was right.



Imagine my excitement to find this sucker~ it's a PIN that has PERFUME inside and I had the *same one* when I was a kid in the 80's and I thought I was fan-CEE. It smelled god awful, but think how cool you'd feel, wearing it on your Michael Jackson tee shirt (I still have it!), flipping it open and rubbing your finger over that little circle of concentrated evil.

You can buy it from JewelsByDesign. You'll smell like 6 bucks.

Lola (L-o-l-a, Lola)

Once upon a time, in a land called "The 80's", Three Wise Men heralded upon the masses: "Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man." And lo, we were. But is every man crazy 'bout a sharp dressed woman? And do real men wear pink? And are loafers without socks acceptable with a white linen suit? If Crockett and Tubbs go for it, it's good enough for me. All men love a chick in men's clothing. I think the most popular "dancer" at Reverend Ted Haggard's House of Ass-solution wears a pinstriped fedora and tie and comes onstage (not like THAT, pervs) carrying a briefcase. See? Ted Haggard knows a thing or 2 about a thing or 2.

Manly clothing on women has always been hot and I think most men think it's ridiculously hot. Pants?... On a GIRL, you say?! A female?... In the boardroom?! Wearing a SUIT? Why that's just crazy enough to work. Power and status, always good times in my book, not that I've ever had either. But add some femininity and a power suit to make Sigourney Weaver cry and you have pure tnt.

But not in the 80's-Working-Girl-Aqua-Net-Hall-and-Oates-in-the-Beemer-Working-for-the-Weekend-Drinking-Bartles-and-James-while-Jazzercising kind of way. Though that way is sounding awesome and something I feel is my life's mission to go out and do. Minus the Jazzercise. I'm talking women's clothing with a manly edge that says "I'm somebody. Out of the way or bitches get CUT".


"Don't hate me because I wear Reeboks and power walk to my Very Important Phone-Answering Job in The Big City."

Here's a fab vintage 50's Ben Zuckerman pinstriped suit from Susan of North Star Vintage. You KNOW the woman who wore this suit has cut some bitches in her day to get to the top. Now you can too! Joan Crawford approves this message.


Fedora and briefcase sold separately.

And in case you're the sewing type, this not-too-sexual-yet-pants-can-be-sexy vintage 40's pattern from Julie of Sew-Retro Vintage Patterns will do nicely. The gals on the cover KNOW who wears the pants.



Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

I Drink Alone

Every time I never go to the local biker bar, there always seems to be *that guy* already there. I'm sure you know him. The one with the bad (read: awesome) Estrada-esque 'do, rocking either a Styx '86 tee or a nausea-inducing (read: awesome) glitter iron-on transfer that says "Cowboys Stay on Longer and Ride Harder" ringer tee. Now, I'm all for un-PC or derogatory humor, because if we can't laugh at ourselves, we've got problems. And if you can't laugh at yourself, I'll laugh at you.

"Mask" was on the tube not too long ago at roughly 3 in the morning (because who would watch Mask during prime time?) starring Cher-as-Harley-skank and her "I'm-pretty-on-the-inside-so-don't-judge-me" son Rocky and a full biker ensemble cast. Which of course means this is cinema at it's finest. I couldn't not watch it again, not because it's a heart-warming tale full of morals and lessons (wha?!), but because I found myself thinking "daaamn, Sam Elliot is a PIECE in this movie." And his name was Gar. Which was followed by that annoying thing called female guilt for loser-ishly thinking a dirtbag is porkable. It's possible Gar and I could bike away into the sunset, leading a perfectly lovely lower middle class life, rich with Skynard and Miller High Life. But then I would have to thrown down with Cher and I'm comfortable in saying she'd probably give me a good what-for, so no Gar, I cannot run away with you on your hog. I must set you free.

You may not have a Gar in your life, but you can own your own ridiculous (read: awesome) vintage tee, complete with rad-ly un-pc transfer that says "Every Cop Likes a Big Bust" from galaxyvintage.

Because mustache riders need love too.