Dear John Waters,
You know I love you as much as any straight white girl can. You know I think you're a film genius, right? Serial Mom= really bad and really good. Hairspray= Ricki Lake before she got all activist-y on our asses? Adore. I was willing to overlook Hairspray the movie and all it's putridicity despite ravings from the 45-64 age bracket: ("John Travolta dressed as a woman? Now that's just plain silly. What a card!"). Fool me once and all that. I may be an idiot sir, but there is one thing I am not and that sir, is an idiot. How DARE you allow such an abomination to spread it's cheese upon the masses?! The cheesy abomination which we will call Cry-Baby The Musical. Did you WANT to make sweet baby jebus cry? Because he is, crying his wee little eyes out and Christmas is cancelled this year. You know what? Hanukkah is cancelled too. Millions of kids this year will neither get their Hulk Fists of Rage nor their mini pretzel dreidels. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
I still love you though. The play is now officially done on Broadway, so perhaps not too much damage has been done. There is a way you can make it up to me, though. Tell Johnny Depp to call me and we're square. Thanks, I knew you wouldn't let me down. Let's never fight again.
That's all for now! And I swear to god, there better not be a Cecil B. Demented: The Musical Starring Donny and Marie! or it's go time.
Love and flamingos,
Kim
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
We're A Happy Family
The 4th is coming up soon and that means another forced-fun holiday with family, yay! Family dysfunction, here I come! On the drive from one party to another we pass a bunch of other parties going on in the neighborhood and sometimes you can catch someone yelling at their damn kids, or someone drinking a beer on the front porch and then you feel vindicated that you're not the only person on the planet who wants to run away and other families are indeed as much in need of group therapy as your own. And sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to roll down my window and yell "You suck!" as I drive by. There's probably something really wrong with that, but for now let me verbally abuse random neighbors in peace, would you?
Some good things about 4th of July festivities:
1. Twilight Zone Marathon! Did you know there was one this weekend? Because I was not aware of this fortunate turn of events until I saw the commercial just a minute or an hour ago, possibly a day or 2 ago, maybe even last week. I have no concept of time or memory, apparently. I could buy the TZ boxed set however it's quite literally priced at $99.99 at That Ripoff Cd And Dvd Store in the mall, you know the one with the cardboard cutouts of James Dean and Darth Vader threatening to cut you if they catch you stealing as your walk in the front door? I think 100 bucks is much better spent on say, rent (mine is late, zoinks!), Jack Daniels (perhaps the reason the rent is late?) or a bathtub full of Swedish Fish.
I like the episode where a bunch of greasers move into an old Victorian house in one of those typical 50's idyllic neighborhoods only to find out they're aliens and bad ones at that. Why would they think a group of young hoods would go unnoticed in suburbia? That's stupid. If they invaded today, they better come dressed as Prozac so they can blend in to the modern housewife's environment.
2. Eating your weight in grilled beef products that you didn't have to pay for.
3. An excellent time to re-enact an old timey 40's USO show for the old folks camped out for the day in their lawn chairs under a tree by wearing sailor pants and singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Better yet, make your kids die of embarrassment and force them to do it, because everyone knows kids love hanging out with 80 year olds all day. Or even better yet, you can wear something patriotic in the ironic and awesome way, like this supercool vintage "Archie Bunker For President" tee from Ginchygear.
Some good things about 4th of July festivities:
1. Twilight Zone Marathon! Did you know there was one this weekend? Because I was not aware of this fortunate turn of events until I saw the commercial just a minute or an hour ago, possibly a day or 2 ago, maybe even last week. I have no concept of time or memory, apparently. I could buy the TZ boxed set however it's quite literally priced at $99.99 at That Ripoff Cd And Dvd Store in the mall, you know the one with the cardboard cutouts of James Dean and Darth Vader threatening to cut you if they catch you stealing as your walk in the front door? I think 100 bucks is much better spent on say, rent (mine is late, zoinks!), Jack Daniels (perhaps the reason the rent is late?) or a bathtub full of Swedish Fish.
I like the episode where a bunch of greasers move into an old Victorian house in one of those typical 50's idyllic neighborhoods only to find out they're aliens and bad ones at that. Why would they think a group of young hoods would go unnoticed in suburbia? That's stupid. If they invaded today, they better come dressed as Prozac so they can blend in to the modern housewife's environment.
2. Eating your weight in grilled beef products that you didn't have to pay for.
3. An excellent time to re-enact an old timey 40's USO show for the old folks camped out for the day in their lawn chairs under a tree by wearing sailor pants and singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Better yet, make your kids die of embarrassment and force them to do it, because everyone knows kids love hanging out with 80 year olds all day. Or even better yet, you can wear something patriotic in the ironic and awesome way, like this supercool vintage "Archie Bunker For President" tee from Ginchygear.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
It's My Party
**3 Things I Own, Total Times Used= 0**
1.) A Thigh Master
Suzanne Somers, you evil, evil she-devil. It's in a box in my basement. My thighs have gone wild and can never be tamed. Nor do I even want to LOOK at them, let alone master them.
2.) A tongue scraper. Before you go all "eew", let me say that my dentist gave it to me for free and a free ANYTHING is always good, but if I want to gag I'll do it the old fashioned way, after eating a pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry's then try to work it off by Sweatin' To The Oldies.
3.) A vintage tee shirt that reads in glitter letters, and I quote: "Cowboys Do It Harder And Stay On Longer". Hmm. There's so much wrong with that. I *want* to be able to wear it in the funny and ironic way, being as though this is PA and there ARE no cowboys in these here parts, but I'm 31 and a bit too old to be rockin' the skanky tees. I may be sleazy, but I'm not, you know, SLEAZY.
**3 CD's I Own, Total Times Listened To= 0**
1.) "60's Dance Party~ The Sock Hop"
You know those relatives that heard you're into "old stuff" so they assume you'll love a mixed CD of the most overplayed songs in the universe? Thanks, Aunt Joanne! There's only so many times a person can hear "Wooly Bully" and "My Boyfriend's Back" before the seizures start. This CD is the Dr. Kevorkian of CD's.
2.) "The Very Best of The Beach Boys"
Good. God. Kill. Me. Now.
3.) "Bowling For Soup~ A Hangover You Don't Deserve"
In all fairness, my sister-in-law bought this for the Small Fry when he was about 4 and LOVED the song "1985", so let it be known that my hard-earned $7.99 did NOT got to buy it. I may be loser-y, but I'm not THAT loser-y. Nor am I 14.
**3 Things I Secretly Laugh At, Inside My Head, Secretly**
1.) The security guards that ride segways at the local outlet mall that think they're super fancy because they wear shirts that say "security" on the backs and talk to each other on walkie talkies, scooting around the parking lots looking for imminent danger and lawbreakers to give what-for to. Did I mention this was an OUTLET MALL?
2.) My neighbor that says "I was fumigated" when she means to say "I was fuming". What does social protocol suggest? What would Miss Manners say? Do I correct her? No! I secretly laugh at her in my head, because that's the kind of neighbor I am.
3.) The douchebag businessmen who talk about Very Important Business Matters on their hands-free cell phones while grabbing a Vitamin Water at the Quickie Mart. If their job was THAT important, shouldn't they be, I don't know, at WORK? Lame job denial, aisle 3!
1.) A Thigh Master
Suzanne Somers, you evil, evil she-devil. It's in a box in my basement. My thighs have gone wild and can never be tamed. Nor do I even want to LOOK at them, let alone master them.
2.) A tongue scraper. Before you go all "eew", let me say that my dentist gave it to me for free and a free ANYTHING is always good, but if I want to gag I'll do it the old fashioned way, after eating a pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry's then try to work it off by Sweatin' To The Oldies.
3.) A vintage tee shirt that reads in glitter letters, and I quote: "Cowboys Do It Harder And Stay On Longer". Hmm. There's so much wrong with that. I *want* to be able to wear it in the funny and ironic way, being as though this is PA and there ARE no cowboys in these here parts, but I'm 31 and a bit too old to be rockin' the skanky tees. I may be sleazy, but I'm not, you know, SLEAZY.
**3 CD's I Own, Total Times Listened To= 0**
1.) "60's Dance Party~ The Sock Hop"
You know those relatives that heard you're into "old stuff" so they assume you'll love a mixed CD of the most overplayed songs in the universe? Thanks, Aunt Joanne! There's only so many times a person can hear "Wooly Bully" and "My Boyfriend's Back" before the seizures start. This CD is the Dr. Kevorkian of CD's.
2.) "The Very Best of The Beach Boys"
Good. God. Kill. Me. Now.
3.) "Bowling For Soup~ A Hangover You Don't Deserve"
In all fairness, my sister-in-law bought this for the Small Fry when he was about 4 and LOVED the song "1985", so let it be known that my hard-earned $7.99 did NOT got to buy it. I may be loser-y, but I'm not THAT loser-y. Nor am I 14.
**3 Things I Secretly Laugh At, Inside My Head, Secretly**
1.) The security guards that ride segways at the local outlet mall that think they're super fancy because they wear shirts that say "security" on the backs and talk to each other on walkie talkies, scooting around the parking lots looking for imminent danger and lawbreakers to give what-for to. Did I mention this was an OUTLET MALL?
2.) My neighbor that says "I was fumigated" when she means to say "I was fuming". What does social protocol suggest? What would Miss Manners say? Do I correct her? No! I secretly laugh at her in my head, because that's the kind of neighbor I am.
3.) The douchebag businessmen who talk about Very Important Business Matters on their hands-free cell phones while grabbing a Vitamin Water at the Quickie Mart. If their job was THAT important, shouldn't they be, I don't know, at WORK? Lame job denial, aisle 3!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Abracadabra
I got this crap email sent to me from one of my friends who sends me these kinds of useless and wonderful emails ALL THE TIME and though I tell her not to bother sending them (because I am far too busy with my Very Important Life of Useless Blogging and Saved By The Bell Marathons to dilly dally with unimportant emails), she sends them anyway and I open them anyway because I am easily amused and so we continue our game of sending lame emails and then me pretending to be too cool to read them. Huzzah!
So I'm spreading the nerdy to you all, because that is how I help a brother out. Also it's Friday and I'm feeling pretty lazy and sick of looking at vintage and needing an excuse to get out of listing more vintage and needing ANOTHER excuse to NOT go to haul it over to Chili's for an Awesome Blossom that I've been hankering for ALL WEEK, but must NOT because my ass already hates me and it should probably go on a hunger strike.
Behold! Albert Einstein, yes? Fo Shizzle.
Now get up off of that thing, walk 15 feet away from the computer screen and Mr. Einstein will optical-illusionally turn into Marilyn Monroe. Seriously, didn't you know Al was a trannie?
I admit that I am the last person on earth to get these "you gotta see this!" kind of emails and I fully own up to my lameness. If you've already witnessed this magic then you have caught a raging case of the nerdy and apparently you have a friend who sends you stupid emails too. Unless YOU'RE the one sending out these emails in which case may I say that you sir are a madman. Unless you find a way to make Zach Morris turn into RuPaul then I say keep spamming up the universe, my evil genius.
So I'm spreading the nerdy to you all, because that is how I help a brother out. Also it's Friday and I'm feeling pretty lazy and sick of looking at vintage and needing an excuse to get out of listing more vintage and needing ANOTHER excuse to NOT go to haul it over to Chili's for an Awesome Blossom that I've been hankering for ALL WEEK, but must NOT because my ass already hates me and it should probably go on a hunger strike.
Behold! Albert Einstein, yes? Fo Shizzle.
Now get up off of that thing, walk 15 feet away from the computer screen and Mr. Einstein will optical-illusionally turn into Marilyn Monroe. Seriously, didn't you know Al was a trannie?
I admit that I am the last person on earth to get these "you gotta see this!" kind of emails and I fully own up to my lameness. If you've already witnessed this magic then you have caught a raging case of the nerdy and apparently you have a friend who sends you stupid emails too. Unless YOU'RE the one sending out these emails in which case may I say that you sir are a madman. Unless you find a way to make Zach Morris turn into RuPaul then I say keep spamming up the universe, my evil genius.
Labels:
Albert Einstein,
Marilyn Monroe,
optical illusion,
vintage
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
I've Got You Under My Skin
File under: Morons I don't understand.
Christie's Auction House in New York auctioned off pieces of the wardrobe from The Sopranos today. I'm with them so far, good times, good times. It was to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project, a cause close to James Gandolfini's (Tony Soprano) heart that helps out soldiers injured in Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm all about that, carry on with yo bad self, awesome cause. And while I do really like the show when I catch the edited version on TV late at night because I'm too cheap to pay for anything other than basic cable and yes, I dig the wardrobe with it's rat pack-y flair, there's something about this that makes my cannoli curdle.
Exhibit A:
The outfit he wore when he got shot by Uncle Junior
Guess how much this little slice of Italian cliche went for?...
...I'll wait. Are you guessing?...
...Wait for it...
$187,750.
Ok, see now they lost me.
Let's do a little compare and contrast, shall we kids? Because math is power!
Exhibit B: Marilyn Monroe's dress was up at auction at Julien's. Granted, it's not exactly an iconic piece, but it's still MARILYN MONROE'S. Who's dead, by the way, and not just a dead character in an overrated HBO drama series either, but for real dead. And while she is somewhat of an overdone cliche herself, the girl is a icon.
A picture of her wearing it in a series of photographs taken of her and Arthur Miller in New York City in 1956:
You know how much this sundress went for? $21,000.00. That's like, 9 times less than what the goomba's near-death scene outfit went for.
What would Sinatra do? How would he feel about the image that Tony Soprano created for the mob? Not that the mob ever had a wholesome image but still, it never looked so...cheesy. I love that the money went to a kickass cause, but come ON people. The show hasn't even been off the air for more than what, a YEAR? I'd love to do a little boot partying on the dude who shelled out that much money for an outfit that he could have essentially bought at Hot Topic. What a gavone.
Christie's Auction House in New York auctioned off pieces of the wardrobe from The Sopranos today. I'm with them so far, good times, good times. It was to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project, a cause close to James Gandolfini's (Tony Soprano) heart that helps out soldiers injured in Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm all about that, carry on with yo bad self, awesome cause. And while I do really like the show when I catch the edited version on TV late at night because I'm too cheap to pay for anything other than basic cable and yes, I dig the wardrobe with it's rat pack-y flair, there's something about this that makes my cannoli curdle.
Exhibit A:
The outfit he wore when he got shot by Uncle Junior
Guess how much this little slice of Italian cliche went for?...
...I'll wait. Are you guessing?...
...Wait for it...
$187,750.
Ok, see now they lost me.
Let's do a little compare and contrast, shall we kids? Because math is power!
Exhibit B: Marilyn Monroe's dress was up at auction at Julien's. Granted, it's not exactly an iconic piece, but it's still MARILYN MONROE'S. Who's dead, by the way, and not just a dead character in an overrated HBO drama series either, but for real dead. And while she is somewhat of an overdone cliche herself, the girl is a icon.
A picture of her wearing it in a series of photographs taken of her and Arthur Miller in New York City in 1956:
You know how much this sundress went for? $21,000.00. That's like, 9 times less than what the goomba's near-death scene outfit went for.
What would Sinatra do? How would he feel about the image that Tony Soprano created for the mob? Not that the mob ever had a wholesome image but still, it never looked so...cheesy. I love that the money went to a kickass cause, but come ON people. The show hasn't even been off the air for more than what, a YEAR? I'd love to do a little boot partying on the dude who shelled out that much money for an outfit that he could have essentially bought at Hot Topic. What a gavone.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Standing In The Shower...Thinking
Things that are always funny:
1. People falling down. Especially fat kids. You're not fooling anyone Miss I'm-OK-You're-OK, you laugh at that too.
2. Family Guy.
3. Any SNL skit with Chris Farley. Actually, any movie with Chris Farley in it. Except Beverly Hills Ninja- what the hell was that all about? But Tommy Boy and Black Sheep I can watch a jillion times in a row, and it keeps getting funnier the more beers you have.
Since The World seems obsessed with funny dead guys lately, let's reflect on the funniest of them all. Reflect faster! With meaning! And jazz hands! Won't anyone think of the jazz hands?! 5, 6, 7, 8!
Remember the time he interviewed Paul McCartney and asked him if it was true that he was dead? AWESOME.
Remember the time he pretended there were bees in the car and jumped out screaming "Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! Your firearms are useless against them!" but there really were no bees, remember that? AWESOME.
(True story: One of my super nerdy ringtones is "Fat Guy In A Little Coat". That's all it is, is Chris singing FGIALC. Seriously. Someone call me right now and I'll prove it).
So dig THIS. Wisconsin is a boring state (no offense Wisconsinites, you're a lovely bunch of folks but your state blows) and I think it may be the one shaped like a mitten and all I know about Wisconsin is Foam Cheese Hats for their football team the Cheesy Meatheads (is that NOT the team's name?) and I like to talk like I'm from Fargo (Yah! You betcha!) which I realise is not in Wisconsin but the accent is still the same. That's what I know of Wisconsin.
Well the Wisconsin Historical Society is hosting the Chris Farley Remembered exhibit now through November. Apparently he is a WI native (wha? I thought he was from, like, Scottsdale) and the exhibit will included props from his movies, like his "Callahan" baseball cap from the movie Tommy Boy and the campaign jacket he wore in Black Sheep, seen here:
So since my blogs are usually ridiculous mixes of retro pop culture, music and vintage, today's post was Somewhat Relevant and With Meaning! The jazz hands were not in vain! And if you're actually STILL reading this, the exhibit is super cheap, $4 for adults! If you're in the...what's Wisconsin's location? Midwest? Northish Lake-Like Region?...whatever, if you're in THAT area, stop in you lazy slackers. You know you're dying to see swords As Seen In The Hit Movie Beverly Hills Ninja.
Thanks to Ang who shares half my brain and sent me the links that she knew I'd enjoy more than Cheetos and a Head Of The Class marathon. She's got the brains, I've got the looks, lets make lots of money.
(I bet you're singing that in your head right now aren't you, 80's Pop Culture Fans?)
1. People falling down. Especially fat kids. You're not fooling anyone Miss I'm-OK-You're-OK, you laugh at that too.
2. Family Guy.
3. Any SNL skit with Chris Farley. Actually, any movie with Chris Farley in it. Except Beverly Hills Ninja- what the hell was that all about? But Tommy Boy and Black Sheep I can watch a jillion times in a row, and it keeps getting funnier the more beers you have.
Since The World seems obsessed with funny dead guys lately, let's reflect on the funniest of them all. Reflect faster! With meaning! And jazz hands! Won't anyone think of the jazz hands?! 5, 6, 7, 8!
Remember the time he interviewed Paul McCartney and asked him if it was true that he was dead? AWESOME.
Remember the time he pretended there were bees in the car and jumped out screaming "Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! Your firearms are useless against them!" but there really were no bees, remember that? AWESOME.
(True story: One of my super nerdy ringtones is "Fat Guy In A Little Coat". That's all it is, is Chris singing FGIALC. Seriously. Someone call me right now and I'll prove it).
So dig THIS. Wisconsin is a boring state (no offense Wisconsinites, you're a lovely bunch of folks but your state blows) and I think it may be the one shaped like a mitten and all I know about Wisconsin is Foam Cheese Hats for their football team the Cheesy Meatheads (is that NOT the team's name?) and I like to talk like I'm from Fargo (Yah! You betcha!) which I realise is not in Wisconsin but the accent is still the same. That's what I know of Wisconsin.
Well the Wisconsin Historical Society is hosting the Chris Farley Remembered exhibit now through November. Apparently he is a WI native (wha? I thought he was from, like, Scottsdale) and the exhibit will included props from his movies, like his "Callahan" baseball cap from the movie Tommy Boy and the campaign jacket he wore in Black Sheep, seen here:
So since my blogs are usually ridiculous mixes of retro pop culture, music and vintage, today's post was Somewhat Relevant and With Meaning! The jazz hands were not in vain! And if you're actually STILL reading this, the exhibit is super cheap, $4 for adults! If you're in the...what's Wisconsin's location? Midwest? Northish Lake-Like Region?...whatever, if you're in THAT area, stop in you lazy slackers. You know you're dying to see swords As Seen In The Hit Movie Beverly Hills Ninja.
Thanks to Ang who shares half my brain and sent me the links that she knew I'd enjoy more than Cheetos and a Head Of The Class marathon. She's got the brains, I've got the looks, lets make lots of money.
(I bet you're singing that in your head right now aren't you, 80's Pop Culture Fans?)
Monday, June 23, 2008
Guess Things Happen That Way
RIP, George Carlin.
I'm disgruntled about comedians. Call me a jerk, but I never find them funny. It takes alot to make me think someone is amusing, but this guy was MY kind of comedian. Sarcastic as hell, jaded, no one was safe in his ranting- right ON. Sounds vaguely familiar, no? We could use more George Carlins in the comedy business and less, say, Carrot Tops. Who should just be shot.
Enjoy some George Carlin quotes. Enjoy them, dammit!
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
I'm disgruntled about comedians. Call me a jerk, but I never find them funny. It takes alot to make me think someone is amusing, but this guy was MY kind of comedian. Sarcastic as hell, jaded, no one was safe in his ranting- right ON. Sounds vaguely familiar, no? We could use more George Carlins in the comedy business and less, say, Carrot Tops. Who should just be shot.
Enjoy some George Carlin quotes. Enjoy them, dammit!
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
Labels:
comedians,
George Carlin,
humor,
sarcasm
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