Doin' Time For Bein' Young

Dear John Waters,

You know I love you as much as any straight white girl can. You know I think you're a film genius, right? Serial Mom= really bad and really good. Hairspray= Ricki Lake before she got all activist-y on our asses? Adore. I was willing to overlook Hairspray the movie and all it's putridicity despite ravings from the 45-64 age bracket: ("John Travolta dressed as a woman? Now that's just plain silly. What a card!"). Fool me once and all that. I may be an idiot sir, but there is one thing I am not and that sir, is an idiot. How DARE you allow such an abomination to spread it's cheese upon the masses?! The cheesy abomination which we will call Cry-Baby The Musical. Did you WANT to make sweet baby jebus cry? Because he is, crying his wee little eyes out and Christmas is cancelled this year. You know what? Hanukkah is cancelled too. Millions of kids this year will neither get their Hulk Fists of Rage nor their mini pretzel dreidels. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

I still love you though. The play is now officially done on Broadway, so perhaps not too much damage has been done. There is a way you can make it up to me, though. Tell Johnny Depp to call me and we're square. Thanks, I knew you wouldn't let me down. Let's never fight again.

That's all for now! And I swear to god, there better not be a Cecil B. Demented: The Musical Starring Donny and Marie! or it's go time.

Love and flamingos,
Kim