Monday, June 30, 2008

We're A Happy Family

The 4th is coming up soon and that means another forced-fun holiday with family, yay! Family dysfunction, here I come! On the drive from one party to another we pass a bunch of other parties going on in the neighborhood and sometimes you can catch someone yelling at their damn kids, or someone drinking a beer on the front porch and then you feel vindicated that you're not the only person on the planet who wants to run away and other families are indeed as much in need of group therapy as your own. And sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to roll down my window and yell "You suck!" as I drive by. There's probably something really wrong with that, but for now let me verbally abuse random neighbors in peace, would you?

Some good things about 4th of July festivities:

1. Twilight Zone Marathon! Did you know there was one this weekend? Because I was not aware of this fortunate turn of events until I saw the commercial just a minute or an hour ago, possibly a day or 2 ago, maybe even last week. I have no concept of time or memory, apparently. I could buy the TZ boxed set however it's quite literally priced at $99.99 at That Ripoff Cd And Dvd Store in the mall, you know the one with the cardboard cutouts of James Dean and Darth Vader threatening to cut you if they catch you stealing as your walk in the front door? I think 100 bucks is much better spent on say, rent (mine is late, zoinks!), Jack Daniels (perhaps the reason the rent is late?) or a bathtub full of Swedish Fish.

I like the episode where a bunch of greasers move into an old Victorian house in one of those typical 50's idyllic neighborhoods only to find out they're aliens and bad ones at that. Why would they think a group of young hoods would go unnoticed in suburbia? That's stupid. If they invaded today, they better come dressed as Prozac so they can blend in to the modern housewife's environment.

2. Eating your weight in grilled beef products that you didn't have to pay for.

3. An excellent time to re-enact an old timey 40's USO show for the old folks camped out for the day in their lawn chairs under a tree by wearing sailor pants and singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy. Better yet, make your kids die of embarrassment and force them to do it, because everyone knows kids love hanging out with 80 year olds all day. Or even better yet, you can wear something patriotic in the ironic and awesome way, like this supercool vintage "Archie Bunker For President" tee from Ginchygear.


  1. I hate the 4th. Not because Im anti America(n), I love this place, Im a hard nosed ignorant Republican actually, but I hate it because its a reminder that those damn "dog days" of summer are right around the corner when it will be 110 for weeks on end and I will havta fight to get the AC turned on.

  2. What about the one where the little girl fell through the wall into another dimension, and the opening was closing up, and the family sent the dog to go find her and guide her out?!! (Fourth Smourth).