It's My Party

**3 Things I Own, Total Times Used= 0**

1.) A Thigh Master
Suzanne Somers, you evil, evil she-devil. It's in a box in my basement. My thighs have gone wild and can never be tamed. Nor do I even want to LOOK at them, let alone master them.

2.) A tongue scraper. Before you go all "eew", let me say that my dentist gave it to me for free and a free ANYTHING is always good, but if I want to gag I'll do it the old fashioned way, after eating a pizza and a pint of Ben & Jerry's then try to work it off by Sweatin' To The Oldies.

3.) A vintage tee shirt that reads in glitter letters, and I quote: "Cowboys Do It Harder And Stay On Longer". Hmm. There's so much wrong with that. I *want* to be able to wear it in the funny and ironic way, being as though this is PA and there ARE no cowboys in these here parts, but I'm 31 and a bit too old to be rockin' the skanky tees. I may be sleazy, but I'm not, you know, SLEAZY.


**3 CD's I Own, Total Times Listened To= 0**

1.) "60's Dance Party~ The Sock Hop"
You know those relatives that heard you're into "old stuff" so they assume you'll love a mixed CD of the most overplayed songs in the universe? Thanks, Aunt Joanne! There's only so many times a person can hear "Wooly Bully" and "My Boyfriend's Back" before the seizures start. This CD is the Dr. Kevorkian of CD's.

2.) "The Very Best of The Beach Boys"
Good. God. Kill. Me. Now.

3.) "Bowling For Soup~ A Hangover You Don't Deserve"
In all fairness, my sister-in-law bought this for the Small Fry when he was about 4 and LOVED the song "1985", so let it be known that my hard-earned $7.99 did NOT got to buy it. I may be loser-y, but I'm not THAT loser-y. Nor am I 14.


**3 Things I Secretly Laugh At, Inside My Head, Secretly**

1.) The security guards that ride segways at the local outlet mall that think they're super fancy because they wear shirts that say "security" on the backs and talk to each other on walkie talkies, scooting around the parking lots looking for imminent danger and lawbreakers to give what-for to. Did I mention this was an OUTLET MALL?

2.) My neighbor that says "I was fumigated" when she means to say "I was fuming". What does social protocol suggest? What would Miss Manners say? Do I correct her? No! I secretly laugh at her in my head, because that's the kind of neighbor I am.

3.) The douchebag businessmen who talk about Very Important Business Matters on their hands-free cell phones while grabbing a Vitamin Water at the Quickie Mart. If their job was THAT important, shouldn't they be, I don't know, at WORK? Lame job denial, aisle 3!