Johnny Angel

Yesterday was my main man, John Waters' birthday! Seems like it was only yesterday he was writing tales of murderous moms (aren't we all) and housewives in drag. He can be "thanked" for helping launch Ricki Lake's "career" (Ok, so I did like her talk show back in the early 90's, I admit it. I was young, what did I know? Then she got all PETA-y on our asses, handcuffing herself to the subway for animal rights or some dumb shit and is somehow an "expert" on child birthin', like anyone gives a rat's ass that she popped out a litter with no drugs and she lost all kinds of weight and isn't even cool in a "Gen X nostalgia" kind of way and all that makes me kind of hate her. Plus, I hear she's gonna replace Sharon Osbourne on VH1's Charm School. Way to go Ricki, you've really "made it" as a class act now. Sigh.)....What was I talking about?! (Damn you Ricki Lake for making me lose track.) Oh. Right. John Waters.



He made trailer parks cool again and brought kitsch back. And even at 63 (holy --! seriously! 63!) he's still one of the few celebrities that I'd kill to hang out with. And makes a normally-creepy mustache look William Powell~ esque in that swanky Old Hollywood way that few have been able to pull off since. (Except Dali. And Burt Reynolds. And Frida Kahlo.)


To honor this film great, please enjoy Cry Baby, my most favorite of Waters flicks. (Also enjoy that piece of hot, hot lovin', Mr. Johnny Depp.)






"Johnny Angel" by Shelley Fabares.

Poison Ivy

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

(Why is Prue going to a pub alone anyway? Did England make the legal drinking age 4? That would open up a whole lot of options for child care.)



P is also for Pirates.

I was just saying to a Fellow Nerd friend of mine the other day that isn't it about time there was a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie coming out soon? What gives? Millions of desperate housewives and lonely hearts and well, most females in general need their Johnny Depp fix and I say it's high time we give it to them. By "them" I mean "me". He's the only white guy who can pull off dreds and beads without looking like a college campus, hackey sack-playing, I-smoke-pot-because-it's-way-existential hippie douchebag. Plus, he's way hot, so there's that.



I know the pirate theme for Halloween is sort of tired and overdone, but only if you wear the plastic all-in-one kind for $14.99 from Kmart or dress like a generic super slutty pirate wench. But there are some pretty rad handmade pirate costumes out there, some involving vintage, some are retardedly high in price but then some are a great price AND not generically slutty. Like this pirate getup from Andapanda! She handmade this baby using a vintage crinoline skirt and a boned corset, plus the odd lime green and brown colorway is a great combo in my book. And my book is always right.




*Poison Ivy by The coasters.

Enjoy The Silence

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.



E is also for Edward Scissorhands, what a Halloween dish. Well, not so much the Edward Scissorhands part, but the Johnny Depp. Unless of course you've got the hots for sensitive, misunderstood, Emo type boys who wear leather S&M bondage suits for no reason with Robert Smith hair and guyliner before it got dumb who are severely scarred and have stabby pieces of metal for hands. Then it's your lucky day.



I miss the days of yore in a magical place, also called Hollywood in the early 90's, when we thought it would be Johnny + Winona 4-EvR, hanging out with their BFF's Brad + Juliette. It's taken me a long time, but I forgive you, Johnny, for breaking our little Winona's heart. I won't hold it against you. (But YOU can hold IT against ME. Hey-yo!...These are the jokes people, what do you expect?! I'm not some super awesome comedian like Gallagher. Or Carrot Top). It makes me sad for a hot second when the few famous couples that actually DON'T make me puke break up and ruin my day. And then I remember Jack Daniels makes the sad go away and I'm back in business.



And also, did you know that there is a stage show of Edward Scissorhands?! Me neither! The show is heading to Australia so if you're sitting around, munching on Vegemite, bored off your rocker, then I fully expect you to go and do some super sneaky spy recon and find out the level of suckitude of the show. I will expect a report of 1000 words, single spaced, on rose-scented paper, on my desk by monday morning. Thanksalotyou'rearealpeach. I bet the show either sucks so majorly in an epic way or is so over-the-top fantastic, also in an epic way. It's downright blasphemy to take a spectacularly cool movie such as ES and turn it into a Broadway play. Or an off-Broadway play. Or a SO-Off-Broadway-That-It-Can-Only-Be-Seen-On-Another-Continent play. It's like turning the Godfather into a show, with Paris Hilton playing Fredo. I'm not sure how I feel about it at the moment. I'll get back to you on that, though there is a pretty good chance that something about it will annoy me, as something about everything usually does.

Doin' Time For Bein' Young

Dear John Waters,

You know I love you as much as any straight white girl can. You know I think you're a film genius, right? Serial Mom= really bad and really good. Hairspray= Ricki Lake before she got all activist-y on our asses? Adore. I was willing to overlook Hairspray the movie and all it's putridicity despite ravings from the 45-64 age bracket: ("John Travolta dressed as a woman? Now that's just plain silly. What a card!"). Fool me once and all that. I may be an idiot sir, but there is one thing I am not and that sir, is an idiot. How DARE you allow such an abomination to spread it's cheese upon the masses?! The cheesy abomination which we will call Cry-Baby The Musical. Did you WANT to make sweet baby jebus cry? Because he is, crying his wee little eyes out and Christmas is cancelled this year. You know what? Hanukkah is cancelled too. Millions of kids this year will neither get their Hulk Fists of Rage nor their mini pretzel dreidels. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

I still love you though. The play is now officially done on Broadway, so perhaps not too much damage has been done. There is a way you can make it up to me, though. Tell Johnny Depp to call me and we're square. Thanks, I knew you wouldn't let me down. Let's never fight again.

That's all for now! And I swear to god, there better not be a Cecil B. Demented: The Musical Starring Donny and Marie! or it's go time.

Love and flamingos,
Kim