Way-Out Wednesday: Your Feet's Too Big

Welcome to Way-Out Wednesday! Just yesterday I was waxing poetic (not really) about Autumn and how do I love it, let me count the ways. But one major reason for the kickassery of Fall that I forgot to mention is this: no more open-toed shoes! (Said in my best Joan Crawford voice.) No more sandals! No more flip-flops! No more Birkenstocks! No more Crocs! What I'm getting at: no more FEET.

Loathsome creatures, feet. I'll never understand the foot fetish crowd, really, picking out the grossest part of the body next to, say, the lower intestine, and worshipping it is beyond my imagination. I can't think about it any more. I mean, ick...must go to a happy place...go to a happy place...unicorns and rainbows...unicorns and rainbows...

So what- *gulp*- joy it was, looking for vintage foot-related items to best express the lovely, lovely foot theme of the day. I did find 2 great specimens ("specimens"- can I make today any more disgusting? Why yes, I believe I can. In fact, you KNOW I can. Let's move on instead.) It's not that these 2 items of the day are bad, in fact, they are quite kitschy, it's just...like most Way-Out Wednesday treats, I have to wonder why such things even get made. ? At any rate, I'm sure I'm the black sheep here with my hatred-o-feets, so perhaps you all won't find these to be horrors. In which case, "enjoy". And I totally say that with air quotes. And jazz hands. Always with jazz hands. But not happy feet.





Vintage Plastic Foot Charms. Ok, really? Are severed feet ever a good idea for charm bracelets? (I must admit, I do rather like the idea.) But still. All I know is that whichever employee of Miss Chang's House of Nails painted those toes should be bludgeoned.






Vintage Souvenir Feet Salt & Pepper Shakers. Ha-ha, Oregon: you smell! (But have such lovely painted nails.) Can you imagine, your friend goes on vacation, comes back and hands you these. "Hey, buddy! Look what reminded me of you when I was in Oregon!" ...These make me think of the movie Saw. Yep. Think about it for a second. You're welcome.







"Your Feet's Too Big" by Fats Waller.

Way-Out Wednesday: That Touch of Mink

While searching through vintage furs for research not too long ago, I got sidetracked, naturally, and discovered a whole other realm of vintage fur... hmm..."things". In the 1940's, 50's and 60's, furs like mink and sable were in their heyday, being the fancy-pants fur of choice, coveted by everyday housewife types like Lucy and Ethel and rocked by Hollywood starlets like Doris Day. These days it's all very un PC and uncool to wear fur, but I say if the animal kicked the bucket decades ago, why the hell not wear it now, so it's death wasn't in vain, or whatever? Stupid hairy hippie girls ruin everything. I might not personally be a fan of fur, not for any ethical or moral reason- hell, I'd bedazzle a set of moose balls and wear 'em as earmuffs if I had to- but because just looking at it makes me feel itchy and sneezy. Totally a mental reject I am, I know. But far be it for me to hold back any chick who can wear a fur stole with a sequin cocktail dress and party like it's 1959.



Or guy. Whatever. What do I care if a guy wants to wear fur? (Ed Wood, you marvelous scamp, you.)


So naturally in the 50's and 60's, along with full-length coats, capes and stoles, luxe touches of fur like mink were incorporated into smaller and more affordable items like on earrings and pins. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I think doing so made it somehow...creepy looking? Maybe I'm a freak or maybe I just found some especially farked-up examples. Either way, you might agree that the following minktastic accessories are farther from glam and closer to mutant. But you know, in a fancy way.

Please enjoy the following vintage 50's & 60's mink fur accessories. Jebus help us all. (Each pic is clickable to go to the seller's listing.)


Vintage mink pin. Nothing quite says "I'm a sexy bitch" than a furry flower. (Also, I can think of about a million disgusting things to say about that, but I will refrain.)



Oh, HELL no. I'm sorry animal lovers, but if I saw this in my house, I couldn't reach for a trap fast enough. Look at it's stabby metal tail. Ick. Oh god. Gross.



"Midge? The damn cat hacked up another fur ball again, get me a paper towel! Oh wait. Nevermind! It's just your sweater clip!"



Oh. Good. Lord. I mean, what is...seriously, who would...come ON, is that...I can't...I just can't...

Call Me

I think I'm going to start a new installment on this ding dang blog called Weird Wednesdays. Or something. I don't know, that name's not set in stone, people. It's a little too cliche, I know. But for now let's just roll with "Weird Wednesdays" unless someone else can think of something better to call it.

Moving forward. Please enjoy the inspiration for Weird Wednesday (Or "Name Pending"). Brace yourself, it is FUG and SCARY and SCARY FUG and might make you queeze if you have a weak stomach:

....

Now's the time to walk away, pansiefolk, and get yourself a Mr. Pibb.

....


Get ready to feast your eyes on the freak show which is called the:

"VISIBLE MAN/WOMAN Rotary Torso Phone Outsider Art 1970s
Hermaphrodite Tested Works hand made Folk Sculpture"



What. The. Frick. It's a telephone, but it's art? It's a terrorphone. (Sounds like Engrish. Ha!) The nipple! Not good. The vintage-iness of it is so-called 70's, but you can take any old phone laying around and build a flesh-eating diseased, paper mache carcass around it and call it vintage, so that's debatable. But whatever, that's the least of my concern. It's "hermaphrodite tested"? I was not aware of hermaphrodites' excellence in phone-testing skills. Huh. Learn something new every day.*




It's a man, baby.




So...it's a woman? I don't get it. Oh! Ohh....OH. Now I get it. It's a hermaphrodite phone. That makes sense now. Wait...No it doesn't.




Oh sweet moses. I wasn't ready for that. I WASN'T READY! You'd be glad to know it's a real working phone. In the market for a skinned torso he/she phone? (And who isn't?) You can bid on it now, on ebay. From Hang Fire Books. You're welcome.


*No hermaphrodites were harmed in the making of this phone. Although, good taste and humor have pretty much been obliterated.

Cherry Pie

Oh the horror! The humanity! The blasphemy! Why, you sick little freak baby Jebus, WHY? If this is an intwebz hoax, then someone's going down, and not in the good way: Pushing Daisies has been CANCELLED, my pretty bitches. Say WHA?! How can those Hollywood fat cat big cheese bastardos cancel PD, yet leave us with such televisional abortions like 90210 and The Starter Wife?! Pushing Daisies was great. It combined all my favorite things: morbid and slightly wrong plots, a fantastically retro 50's and 60's inspired set and wardrobe, sick irony (the lovers who can never smooch, it's so evil and I like it) and pie. Next to Mad Men, Pushing Daisies was the next best thing to getting yer vintage freak on. Maria, take a letter:

"Dear Hollywood assjacks,
YOU SUCK. And also, I hate you.

Yours truly,
Kim

PS. Watch yo' backs, buttwads"


So one more of my homies got gunned down before it's time. Is there a liquor store open yet? Colt 45 must be bought.

Enjoy some lovely PD eye candy. ENJOY IT, I said.