Time To Get Ill

I think I may have the Plague. My current state is "Mostly Dead" and let me tell you it feels like a 7 a.m. hangover minus all the funs from the night before and that is NOT FAIR. I'm not sure where exactly I contracted this Black Death, though I think it was from this one time, in the Fire Swamp, I got a wicked bad bite from a rat on steroids. Farm Boy Wesley and I ran like hell through there and had to sword-fight some dudes and we visited a magician in a tree and then we killed the bad guys--only to find out that we were just a fairytale being read to Kevin Arnold by his grandpa Columbo. And if you're down with ANY of that, then you get 5 gold stars. And if you're down wit' O.P.P., you get 5 million gold stars.

While I was in a head-full-o-cement state yesterday, I learned a few things that you should never do when you're really sickly:

1. Never take a cold pill and then get in your car and drive to the drug store to load up on more because chances are you will get home and not even remember driving in the first place. And non-drowsy pills LIE because they are chock full of drowse.

2. Never make a phone call that requires remembering something, as in making a doctor's appointment. You will forget when and what time you're supposed to be there and then you'll have to call back and you will probably feel slightly ass-like asking "Umm...yeah, hi. I just called and made an appointment but I forgot to like...write it down or whatever...*What* day am I coming in again?...". Or maybe you don't care about looking like a jerk to your medical staff. You know they're all making fun of you when you hang up the phone, right?

3. Trying to do actual work on the computer while slowly dieing does not result in actual work. It starts with good intentions but eventually you'll get sidetracked and if it's not porn or Pac-Man, it's weird medical facts.

Which is exactly what happened to me and I started looking up what the Plague is and how it started and eventually I came across weird medical links. I learned the most fascinating and irrelevant thing of all time, which I naturally feel I must pass on to you all. Did you know that to get drunk faster, you shouldn't drink beer the normal way but...oh, how to put this delicately...put the bottle where the sun don't shine? It's TRUE. Emptying a bottle of beer into your nether regions will result in instant drunkitude. Look it up. I would never kid about beer and booty.

So that's all for now. Back to death I go, weeee! Perhaps I'll discover more fun facts. In fact, maybe I should have a weekly segment called "Disgusting Medical Fun Facts That I Bet You're Gonna Try".

Rico Suave

You know what's been bugging me lately? (Besides politics...the weather...my in-laws...most people...the "check engine" light that never shuts off...) It's the fact that every year, the "Fashion Trend Reports" come out in the fall and again in spring, predicting what'll be "hot" (that word is horrible) for the season. I can pretty much tap into my mighty psychic skillz and predict it. For free. And without needing to be some useless, borderline retarded fashionista either. (*cough* Posh Spice *cough* Paris Hilton).

All you need to do is repeat the SAME EXACT TRENDS every season. I'm going to take a WILD guess and predict that for fall, earthy hues with a punch of "jewel tones" (ie: amethyst purples, garnet reds and the like) will be major, as well as plaids and tweeds, throw in some leather, suede, and velvet. Am I close? I damn well SHOULD be, because those are the "trends" for fall from the PAST 4 YEARS. Lucky Magazine should hire me. I'm a freaking GEM, I say. MSN Shopping (like they've got their pulse on what Kids These Days are wearing) predicts- and I quote-

"While traditionally a time for subdued colors, this fall is defined by rich hues with exciting undertones expressing sophistication and elegance. Plum and deep purple are the colors of the season, while camel, olive, and mustard vie for second place"

Are they saying that earth tones and jewel tones are a hit? No kidding?!

"The over-riding trend this season is tactile fabrics in ultra-sophisticated effects and finishes that add richness to clean tailoring. The favorite fabric of the season is wool, but in featherweights that highlight your figure. Textured effects on tweeds, Shetlands, or mohair add rich detailing that remains light and warm, while rough-cut hemlines appear on the more dense fabrics to create a threaded effect. Houndstooth, plaids and other traditionally masculine patterns are found in everything from coats to handbags."

I NEVER in a million years could have guessed that wool and tweed and plaid patterns were going to be popular. I'm such a dope.

I bet for winter people are going to wear...oh, I dunno...COATS? And perhaps BOOTS of some Ugg-like variety? Time will tell if I'm right. I think we need to bring the muff back (I said muff) in sheared beaver (come ON, I couldn't stop myself. I have a problem. Sorry.) And 1920's knickerbocker pants for men. And Charlie Chaplin style bowlers. And the Stutz Bearcat will be THEE car to drive. See? What the hell does Donatella know anyway?

No? FINE. If you insist on your wools and your plaids and your whateverthehells.
I loves me these capris! From Viva Vintage Clothing come these wonderful vintage 50's, red plaid (check), wool (double check) capris with little laces on the hem. Not too useful in the fall and winter here in Poconos hell, but surely you California folk can rock these. ROCK THEM I SAY.




But don't say I didn't predict that earmuffs would be cool.

Wooly Bully

If you're ever really bored one friday night waiting for Rick to call you with a lame excuse why he can't take you to the Def Leppard concert only to find out that he took that skank Tiffany who works at the Orange Julius in the mall instead -or- your boss took the day off and you can live up to your full slack potential at work by playing Frogger and shopping on ebay to find the 1984 Rainbow Brite that your mom wouldn't buy because it was $19.99 and your brother needed a perm instead and apparently a man perm takes priority to childhood happiness, then I HIGHLY recommend wasting time on this site called Yearbook Yourself.


You upload a picture of yourself and then it shows what your yearbook picture would look like from the 1950's to 2000. Because I am solid in my ability of making an ass of myself, please enjoy the wonder that is called Kim Through The Years:

This is what I would have looked look like in 1966. Not too shabby so far...



1968...still not overly grotesque...



1976...when I was born, y'all...




1978...good lord...the 'fro is never a good look on a white girl...



1982...My eyes! NO! Won't somebody think of the children?!...



1994, when I graduated (Go Green Knights. Worst football team in the history of high school football.) I neither had hair *this* Aqua Net-friendly, nor did I hang out with Uncle Jesse.

Goodnight Irene

As some of you already know, there will be a movie coming out about the woman, the myth, the legend, Coco Chanel. Starring Shirley MacLaine. On Lifetime. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Oh wait, yes I do, I think it's the worst idea since Pizza Combos. Now, I loves me some Shirley MacLaine. I love that every role she's played from the 1980's to today is a boozy, grizzled, bitchy old lady who deep down has a heart of gold but can't help verbally abusing her loved ones. A role I hope to transition into as gracefully someday. I really love me some Shirley MacLaine in her earlier work like The Apartment and Irma la Douce, generally playing a gal of loose morals (yeah, I mean a slut).

I'm sure she's gonna rock the hell out of playing Coco Chanel. I'm just not sure *anyone* should be playing Coco, let alone on the cheesiest television channel ever. Lifetime? Really?! I loves me some Lifetime, don't get me wrong. How else will I ever see reruns of The Golden Girls and Will & Grace and afterschool specials about teen drinking starring Tori Spelling? But playing a biography of an untouchable fashion icon such as Coco on Lifetime is mutinous. I don't know how, but it's a good word, so let's roll it. I get the whole "positive, strong women" thing Lifetime promotes and naturally the life of Coco fits into that category, but come ON. All we need next to form the perfect trifecta of blasphemy is to have Joan Rivers hock knockoff Chanel goldtone jewelry on QVC.

Chanel in all her fabulous glory, in her PRE-rolling-over-in-grave days:





Gettin' jiggy with Salvador Dali



Somehow it doesn't work. Prove me wrong, Shirley!:




For a delish glimpse at a vintage Chanel piece, go check out what is probably *thee* best vintage clothing site out there in interwebs land called The Frock.

Click the pic to take you to TheFROCK's Chanel listing:



To see the Coco Chanel story, you can catch it on Lifetime this Saturday the 13th at 8pm eastern. Oy. and Vey. Or maybe the movie will not blow chunks after all? To be continued!

Life In A Northern Town

Our little witch is all growns up. If you're not a super mega nerd like me, then you have no idea that I am referring to Emma Watson, the girlie who plays a witch named Hermione (how sad for he) in the Harry Potter movies. Which I ADORE. Don't judge me and my dorkitude, muggles! (On a side note of probable non-interest: I almost wrote "Pooter" instead of Potter, which is now extremely funny in a Beavis kind of way. Say it. You'll love.)

Leave it to Vogue Italia magazine (September issue, fyi) to create a photo spread that makes you want to jump in it and live there. So purdy and lovely, non? The moody lighting, the muted colors, the fabrics. It's all so very Euro and I am a huge anglophile at heart. You can keep the kidney pie, thanks anyway. However, I must say that Miss Watson, being of 18 or so, still looks like a 10 year old playing dress-up somehow. But I bet she's going to be one of those people that ages beautifully. Bitch.

Behold! And shazam!









You know, MY walls are cracked and half-painted and I have piles of clothes and dress forms and mannequin parts everywhere. So how come my house looks more like the basement in Silence of the Lambs than a luxe Tudor manor?

Birdhouse In Your Soul

And now for something totally random! Have you ever gotten up on the right side of the bed early in the morning and the day is already starting out to be perfect and sunny and wonderful? Me neither. But I got up for once feeling all Snow White-y and nature-y and crap, enjoying the last fleeting moments of summer. Fall is headed this way, here on the upper east coast (east siiide represent!), and you know you're in for an especially long winter when leaves are changing color and falling off the trees ALREADY. What the HELL, Mother Nature?! I already have a stocked arsenal of Claritin for the special occasion of moldy leaves, yay!

So I'm rocking my artsy fartsy side today with nature shots. Nature shots, me! Don't worry, I'm not embracing the light and turning like, good. Usually me + nature= bad news bears, but today I'm loving the bits-o-color left in my yard.

Creepy cool.



Training the ivy to grow crazy-like, as if I live in some kind of charming English cottage or something.



Aww, a bumblebee on a sunflower. How freaking sweet. It's sweet, dammit!



Nothing special here, just digging the color.



A birdhouse waaay up in a tree in the front yard, which I never even knew existed. The birdhouse I mean, not the tree. I'd have to be especially stupid to not see a giant tree in the front yard. But notice the half-assed nest on top of the birdhouse? Lazy birds. Housing fail.

How Do You Talk To An Angel

Sweet jumping jebus on a pogo stick.



Good lord. I mean, REALLY. WTF happened to Jason Priestley AKA Brandon "Sugar Britches" Walsh?! Please explain how the once future Mr. Kim could allow this to happen?! Surely this was against his own will and the chin pubery was forced upon his face by some dastardly evil-doer. Voodoo, methinks. A pox of epic proportions. Karma? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS WORLD IS COMING TO.



See now? That's much better...I am calm and Zen-like and will recite my daily affirmation: "I am Mrs. Brandon Walsh...I am Mr. Brandon Walsh..."

The only thing I can figure, is that he's doing it to go incognito. This way, when the television abortion that is called the NEW 90210 comes out and the masses have sharpened their pitchforks, they won't recognise him. Either *that* over dramatic explanation or he's a nutbag. A delicious nutbag, nonetheless. I had a wicked crush on him when I was like, what...15? (or 30, shut up don't judge me). Brandon + Kim 4-Ever. The Trapper Keeper says so and if the TK says so, it WILL COME TRUE. However. There are only 3 guys in this world that can rock facial overgrowth:

1. This guy~



and

2. This guy. Tom Selleck is cool. He could kick Santa's ass any day.



and ALWAYS

3. Burt Reynolds. He's kind of like your douche Uncle Tony who gives you a noogieand calls you "retard" or "knucklehead", yet he still KICKS ASS. He could kick Santa AND Tom Selleck's asses with one hand and his 'stache wouldn't have a hair out of place.