Way-Out Wednesday: Cry, Cry, Cry

Welcome to this very..."special?"...well, that's not it exactly...more like "creepy"..."disturbing"...and "not kosher" edition of Way-Out Wednesday. I didn't pick out a mass collection-o-things today, no groups of fugly/awesome vintage crap with a theme. No, today is an extra special day, a day full of sadness, despair and woe, for I may have found *thee* most depressing and wrist-slashingest toy for little girls. I give you: Little Miss No Name:







??? WHAT...??? THE...??? HELL...??? Is she an orphan? Rail-riding hobo? Why is she wearing burlap? What happened to the whites of her eyes? Is she a zombie? Is she looking for a handout? A subway token? Does she need a quarter so she can call someone who cares? Is she feeling funky with her bad self and looking for someone to "slip her some skin"? Does she want you to read her palm? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, DIRTY LITTLE STREET URCHIN? WHAT DO YOU WANT?! FOR THE LOVE OF A SANDWICH, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME! ...... You know what? Fine. Don't tell me. I don't care. You can be a classically-trained performance artist student from Juilliard playing an 18-year old hooker for all I care. That is just so typical of today's youth, looking for someone to just give them money, not working for anything they've got, spoiled rotten trust fund jerks. I'm glad I didn't give her a sandwich after all. The joke's on YOU, hungry orphan! Good day to you. I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU.

Let's get a closeup of little Mary Kate's hobo face, shall we?:



Nice tear, Cry Baby. Where'd you get that, prison?


You know, I would love to meet the super genius who invented this. Did he walk into a meeting one day and pitch this great idea of a doll that's been abandoned by her parents and left to fend for herself on the mean city streets wearing nothing but a potato sack for clothing?:

"I got a feeling about this one, Mr. Big. Trust ol' Marty, I wouldn't let you down again, not after last month's bomb: "Suicide Susie." Little girls will love this doll. They can relate. I don't have a name picked out for it yet, but so what, kids don't care about catchy name. I obviously know kids. Just call her...Little Miss No Name. That'll do. It's a sure-fire hit. It'll give those Cabbage Patch bastards a run for their money. What could go wrong?"

This was an actual doll released by Hasbro in '65, and I'm sure you'll be surprised to know it wasn't produced long. Shocking. Also weird is that it stands 15 inches tall! I imagined her being a wee little waif, but no. She's a BIG ol' sad thing. I wonder: does anyone remember Little Miss No Name? (And yes, that really is what the doll is called.) I rather like it, but then again, I like creepy things... that may come to life in the middle of the night, climb down off its shelf and kill you in your sleep. Now that I think of it, no wonder her parents abandoned her. I'm onto you! Foiled again, Little Miss No Name!





"Cry, Cry, Cry" by Johnny Cash.

Atomic Tuesday: Time After Time

Welcome to another Atomic Tuesday! Today's theme is all about time~ the not having enough of it, the how fast it passes you by, the "holy crap, how is it the middle of July already, more than half of the year is over, dude you'll never believe that I bought my first Xmas present for someone already, and my birthday is creeping up closer and closer, hot damn I'm getting old, oh dear god make it stop, WHY WON'T YOU MAKE IT STOP?!" Yeah. Time. It's not on your side. And I'm not a fan.

So without wasting any more of this precious commodity, I give you this week's Atomic Tuesday time theme~ a must-have staple of any mid-century modern home decor, a little cliche but a whole lot of cool: the vintage 50's/60's starburst clock!




Vintage Ingraham Electric Starburst Clock. Comes with its original box, too!






If silver is more your speed, then how's about this Vintage Ingraham Starburst Clock? (It's just like the one above only this one is battery-run.)





Cutesy Vintage Lux Flowerburst Clock, for those who prefer their decor to be on the girlie side!






Vintage United Clock. I love the font of the numbers on this one! They remind me of graphics you'd see in old school bowling alleys from the 50's and 60's. (Ps: I have no idea if calling the style of numbers a "font" is correct. What DO you call it? Whatever. You know what I mean. Right? Right.)





Vintage German-Designed Clock. At first I thought this was heading into shabby chic hell- you know, all sorts of white with that old timey wrought iron garden gate-esque look, but then the more I looked at it, the more those super spikes grew on me and the more my mind wandered into Vlad the Impaler territory, somehow, and now I rather love it. Don't ask. It's just how this mind works.





Vintage United Battery-Run Clock. This one has me perplexed. I do love the circle-y loops at the end of each spike, but I'm not sure how I feel about the scrolly gold leaf design. Clock design shouldn't cause confusion, should it? I'm torn, sad little starburst clock. I want to love you, but you're borderline tacky. Then again, aren't we all? Ok, I'm not mad at you anymore, clock. We're cool.






"Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper

Love and Marriage

"Oh, Patty? It's Tuesday night, you know what that means! It's "push the beds together night"!


"Riiight. About that. Not tonight, Ted, I have a headache. I'm tired. It's that time of the month. The meatloaf is burning. I'm playing bridge with the girls. I have to wash my hair. My nails are still wet. I have a Tupperware party to throw. The Valium is kicking in. I have post traumatic stress disorder...."


"Oh, really? Again, dear? Fine. I'll just take this copy of Jugs-- I mean "Popular Mechanics" down to the basement with me. I'll be down there for a while SO DON'T GO DOWN THERE AND CHECK IN ON ME!! What I mean is, you just get your beauty sleep dear, while I do... uhh... manly things. Right-o! Manly things! I'll be mowing the lawn. Changing the oil in the Hudson. Taking garbage cans to the curb. Meeting the boys for golf. Doing the taxes. Balancing the checkbook. Working on that darn Anderson account. Making beef jerky. Painting the rumpus room. Killing spiders. Just DON'T GO DOWN THERE AND CHECK IN ON ME."


"Golly gee, it sounds like you have a busy night, Ted. Well...goodnight."

"Shucks, I sure do, Patty! Enjoy that Valium....'Night."






"Love and Marriage" by Sinatra.

My (Aqua) Blue Heaven Friday: Summer Wind

Welcome to this week's (Aqua) Blue Heaven Friday! Apparently it's summer everywhere across the country right now, except for us in the Northeast. Heat? Pssh, surely you jest. What is this "heat" of which you speak? Come to the beautiful northeast this summer, where we offer you grey skies, drenching downpours and now for the kids to play with: deer ticks brimmin' with Lyme Disease! But that's not all! We also have...mosquitoes! Lots and lots of mosquitoes. But kids aren't the only ones who can have fun: For you adult tourists, we made sure our mosquitoes come with extra West Nile disease! I think we must be getting punished for being the meanest states in the country. Or it's karma. Or it's all just a coincidence. I heard the rest of the US is pretty much blazing-ass hot, so with you guys in mind, I found something way awesome that may help your cause. I give you: the vintage aqua electric fan.




50's Eskimo Desk Fan.






50's Refurbished Eskimo Fan.






50's Cute Little Desk Tabletop Fan.






This one kicks so much ass because it's industrial-sized! Good for someone in Texas, where everything is bigger. (Did you see that joke right there? You know, because they say everything is bigger in Texas, and this fan is also big? Yeah, I know that was not even a remotely humorous joke. I'm coping with it.) 50's Dominion Brand Big Ol' Fan.






I had no idea there was such a beast as an electric window fan in the 50's! Did you know?! You lie, you did not. This is seriously so cool and I think I may be in lurve with it- it's a buttload better than the fug white plastic ones from Target that stop working after 2 days. Or gets filled with dead bugs and spider webs. Actually, that might not be so much of a product defect as it is my own lack-of-cleaning-the-fan defect. 50's Window Fan.




"Summer Wind" by Sinatra, 'natch.

Way-Out Wednesday: Risque Business

It seems like I've been shoo-ing the menfolk away lately with warnings of girlie talk about sewing and salad and feeling unfresh... (Are you guys cringing yet, remembering that awkward moment when you were watching TV with your mom and a Summers Eve commercial came on? Hell, I'm a girl and I wanted to die when that happened.) Well today, I'm gonna do you guys a solid and make this Wednesday about something you'll probably really dig. And yes, there are hooters involved and for once, they're not owls.

So today's theme is a prime example of era-accurate, borderline-sexist kitsch: the risque novelty. It's a man's world today at the Girl Can't Help It! Enjoy it while it lasts, men, because tomorrow we're talking about fabric swatches and bloating.

It's possibly a little NSFW, just a warning...












Oh, so this Vintage 50's "How to Draw" Book from 1958 teaches you how to correctly and accurately draw "the human figure" and "proportion" and "the skeleton"? Riiiight. If by all of those things they mean "giant knockers", then yes, you too can learn how to draw.






Hot butts and sparkly boobs. Need I say more about this Vintage 50's Pinup Ashtray.






For the pervy golfer who likes a little T&A on the green (and who doesn't?): this Vintage 70's Novelty Nude Golf Tees, sure would help him "keep his eye on the ball..." Nice slogan.






As you can imagine, I've never been one to join in those painfully cheesy games you have to endure at wedding showers- you ladies will know what I mean: decorate the bride in toilet paper, everyone wears garters on top of their clothes, have a "who can eat novelty Wedding Night edible underwear the fastest...THOSE hokey games. And the hokey novelty gifts are equally dreadful. But I'd make an exception for these Vintage 50's Drink Coaster Set. Garters and jock straps for your glasses. Pure cheese with a side of corn.






You know how you're always thinking to yourself: "I would love it if my girlfriend dressed like a 1962 waitress at the Playboy Bunny Club, but how?" Well now, thanks to this revolutionary Vintage 60's Novelty Cuffs, Collar & Tie Set, she can! Make sure to slap her on her ass and threaten to leave her a small tip- they love that. Thanks Hugh!

Atomic Tuesday: Stool Sample

(Oh yeah. I went there. Gross, I know. But you loved it.)

Every once in a while I go through a "I hate the setup of my furniture, I should rearrange it and feng shui the crap out of it, but I'm so sick of moving crap around, dear jebus burn it down so I can start all over again, just kidding jebus, don't really burn it down, but if you could do something about my neighbor's cat in heat and all the meowing in the middle of the night, I sure would appreciate it, thanks" phase. Know what I mean? Oh come on, like you never go through elaborately-worded and muddled thought-processed phases like that before. Well I do and I don't love the current furniture situation. More specifically, I don't love that when I watch TV, I have no place to prop my feet. Sure, the coffee table works, but I yell at everyone else who does that, so I'm reserved to coffee table-proppage for when no one is around to bust me in my own hypocrisy. Jerks. So I've been thinking a little ottoman or foot stool action is needed. My quest for anti-hypocritical feet furniture found a few pretty kickass vintage 50's and 60's examples. And so for this Atomic Tuesday, I give you today's Stool Samples. (Oh come ON, is it TOO still funny.)




Not literally "atomic" per say, but this vintage suede mid-century modern stool is still pretty rockin' and it has hairpin legs, which are covet-y.





This vintage 50's vinyl stool has the most amazing print! It makes me want drapes in that pattern. Or a dress. Or a couch. Or anything.





This vintage 60's swivel stool is cool in it's basicness, and though you can't tell, is covered in cool fabric. Plus hello, it swivels?! Super swell. (Side note: I keep getting distracted by that green/blue ashtray candle holder dealie on the table. I see it out of the corner of my eye and think it's a Windex bottle they forgot to put away. Is it just me? Probably.)





This vintage 50's storage stool is by far my most favorite. The pattern on the vinyl is rockin' and has a hidden storage compartment under the lid, where you can hide crap! You can stash your smokes that you don't want your mom to find in there! Or a weekend's supply of Hubba Bubba! Or whatever it is that actual grownups need to store. I wish it was me-sized, so I could hang out in there, where no one could bother the crap outta me while I read my latest Encyclopedia Brown.

Song Sung Blue

Today we're going to take an in-depth look at the neglected and unloved home life of the vintage knit and crocheted afghan in it's natural, depressing habitat. Please keep all limbs inside the vehicle at all times. Do not feed, taunt, poke, mock, breath near or look at the afghans, as they have been known to throw fits of rage, and in rare occasions, try to sneak inside your handbag and make it's way into your home and onto your bed.

So without further ado, let's start the tour. Please enjoy today's lesson in:


The Sadness of Blankets.







We start our tour with the early stages of Afghan Neglect, as can be seen in this vintage 1948 Spinnerin instruction manual. The afghan starts out in life colorful and vibrant, unobtrusive in design, and quite possibly wrapped around it's owner on a cold winter's day on a rocking chair. But that life would soon begin it's decline to a much more sad and lowly outcome, which we will later witness...




Eventually, the blanket unknowingly becomes so annoying, so obtrusive in it's unearthly way of not matching a thing in the room, that even the fake floral arrangement tries to escape.




But instead of reflecting on it's offensiveness in dark corners of the room or stashed away in armoires, some blankets have been known to turn into bullies, violent toward it's fellow room decor such as bowls of wax fruit, and often times taking a hostage in a last-ditch attempt to be loved.




In some instances, a night of Jim Croce and and too many boxes of wine can turn a then good idea of Matching Afghan Fashion into guilt-laden "morning afters", and in the most extreme of cases, can cause a person to heave themselves out of a window, ending their life of shame and embarrassment.




For the most vile and unwilling to play with others, a few blankets meet their unfortunate death by getting speared in the gut by the very loom that made them, as seen in this vintage 1966 Spinnerin instruction manual, a perfect example of survival of the fittest in the Afghan Kingdom. A terrible ending, indeed, however...none as horrible, so terribly sad and depressing as...





...ending up at it's owner's yard sale for a buck.



I hope you enjoyed today's tour, and please join us next time, when we'll take a look at the Sadness of Souvenirs.






"Song Sung Blue" by Neil Diamond.