Welcome to this very..."special?"...well, that's not it exactly...more like "creepy"..."disturbing"...and "not kosher" edition of Way-Out Wednesday. I didn't pick out a mass collection-o-things today, no groups of fugly/awesome vintage crap with a theme. No, today is an extra special day, a day full of sadness, despair and woe, for I may have found *thee* most depressing and wrist-slashingest toy for little girls. I give you: Little Miss No Name:
??? WHAT...??? THE...??? HELL...??? Is she an orphan? Rail-riding hobo? Why is she wearing burlap? What happened to the whites of her eyes? Is she a zombie? Is she looking for a handout? A subway token? Does she need a quarter so she can call someone who cares? Is she feeling funky with her bad self and looking for someone to "slip her some skin"? Does she want you to read her palm? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, DIRTY LITTLE STREET URCHIN? WHAT DO YOU WANT?! FOR THE LOVE OF A SANDWICH, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME! ...... You know what? Fine. Don't tell me. I don't care. You can be a classically-trained performance artist student from Juilliard playing an 18-year old hooker for all I care. That is just so typical of today's youth, looking for someone to just give them money, not working for anything they've got, spoiled rotten trust fund jerks. I'm glad I didn't give her a sandwich after all. The joke's on YOU, hungry orphan! Good day to you. I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU.
Let's get a closeup of little Mary Kate's hobo face, shall we?:
Nice tear, Cry Baby. Where'd you get that, prison?
You know, I would love to meet the super genius who invented this. Did he walk into a meeting one day and pitch this great idea of a doll that's been abandoned by her parents and left to fend for herself on the mean city streets wearing nothing but a potato sack for clothing?:
"I got a feeling about this one, Mr. Big. Trust ol' Marty, I wouldn't let you down again, not after last month's bomb: "Suicide Susie." Little girls will love this doll. They can relate. I don't have a name picked out for it yet, but so what, kids don't care about catchy name. I obviously know kids. Just call her...Little Miss No Name. That'll do. It's a sure-fire hit. It'll give those Cabbage Patch bastards a run for their money. What could go wrong?"
This was an actual doll released by Hasbro in '65, and I'm sure you'll be surprised to know it wasn't produced long. Shocking. Also weird is that it stands 15 inches tall! I imagined her being a wee little waif, but no. She's a BIG ol' sad thing. I wonder: does anyone remember Little Miss No Name? (And yes, that really is what the doll is called.) I rather like it, but then again, I like creepy things... that may come to life in the middle of the night, climb down off its shelf and kill you in your sleep. Now that I think of it, no wonder her parents abandoned her. I'm onto you! Foiled again, Little Miss No Name!
"Cry, Cry, Cry" by Johnny Cash.
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