Road to Nowhere

About this time every stinking year the same thing happens, because I am a creature of habit and spontaneity has no place in my life and I am probably too uptight for my own good and so what if I happen to love a well laid-out (I said well laid) plan?! What happens, see, is the first few days of spring where it's actually warm and sunny and pleasant I get to making Big Summer Plans. I seem to forget how lazy I actually am and think that going places this summer is a Great Idea. It won't be until about June that I say oh riiight, like THAT'S going to happen-- what the HELL was I thinking, going on a family vacation, SURE. Sitting in a kiddie pool in the backyard full of mosquitos and drinking a rum and coke in a plastic tiki cup is JUST AS GOOD as going to Hawaii, you ingrateful jerks. Now swim!

These are the places I'm a-hankerin' to visit, full of pure kitsch goodness and who needs a tropical getaway anyway, when the 7 Wonders of the World Mini Golf awaits you (and I totally stole that from Overboard, the best Goldie Hawn movie ever). THESE kinds of pure americana are MY kind of vacation, so 50's, so wonderful! Don't get me wrong, Pennsylvania has some pretty kickin' tourist attractions with plenty of kitsch factor, but sometimes you just have to get the hell outta dodge. And why is that all the cool stuff is in "middle america" anyway? Like in all those square states that I can't ever remember the names of or all those long states that start with "I"? No fair, Missouri and Indiana, no fair. And have I ever mentioned that I LOVE MAKING LISTS?! And also, I can't promise that this won't be an ongoing list in the future. In fact, I promise this will be an ongoing list in the future, because I am obsessed with these kinds of places. Weird America, how I love you so.

1. The Corn Palace . A palace. Made of corn. The next time you find yourself in South Dakota (why you'd even be in SD, I don't know), go and check out the place. They change the murals on the outside of the building every year- murals made ENTIRELY OUT OF CORN. Awesome.

2. Giant Things Across the US. Such as :

World's largest badger in Wisconsin. That's gross, crawling out of the ground, Night of the Living Dead style...in Kimspeak that means freaking AWESOME.


Largest ketchup bottle. They spell it "catsup" which we ALL KNOW IS WRONG, ILLINOIS.


Largest pink flamingo. In Wisconsin. Seriously, Wisconsin?!


Places that I have a better chance of getting to this summer, close enough but far enough away:

1. Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. A very cute little town. My Old Man is getting his masters in history next year so good for him and his nerdiness, vintage clothing shops, old pubs and haunted stuff for me. Sweet.

2. Hershey Park in Hershey of course, dumbass. The town REALLY DOES smell like chocolate as you drive though it and the lamposts all have giant hershey kisses on top of them. Can't make this stuff up.



3. Hot Dog Johnny's in New Jersey. So it's not a vacation, but damn if they don't have the best fried hot dogs in the cutest little roadside stand- and hot dogs skeeve me out, so that's saying something. And food stands can be vacation-like, can they not? Like that Total Moron with the bleached-out hair on the Food Network, he has a show about food places across the US. My Great Ideas are always stolen by Total Morons, what gives?



Things I'll most likely end up doing this summer:

Going to the local car show, because it's 10 minutes away, going to the Garlic Fest and then the Greek Fest, because they are a couple miles away, swimming in my friend's pool, because she is 1 block away and sitting on my porch drinking cheap beer because it is 10 feet away. Wish you were here!

Sweet Little Sixteen

Last night I *finally* got around to renting the newest Harry Potter movie, because I am fully aware of my nerdiness and will raise you one Lord of the Rings trilogy that I am watching on TNT right now even though I own the freaking boxed set, because that is HOW A NERD ROLLS and I am loyal to my geek-status movies. The thing I don't get is how these wizard kids and elves with magic never use their powers for personal gain. What's with the morals and the "do the right thing"-iness? Say WHA, now?! I'd be all OVER those powers. Sure I may save a kitten out of a tree and push a guy out of the way from a falling piano from the 6th floor, but damn you, child bearing hips, damn you straight to hell. Zap! Big hips gone. Electric bill or gas bill- which one to pay THIS month? Zap! Money, money, money, muuuh-naaay! I'd have the power to fly, to read thoughts, to be invisible, to be filthy stinking rich and occasionally use it to be good. But probably not that often.

I'd also use powers to have superawesome memory-- so's I don't have to rely on stinking myspace to tell me when my friends' birthdays are- JULIE AND JEN I'M TALKING TO YOU. So here's a blatant shout-out to my friends whose birthdays I missed because I'm apparently the worst friend ever and am too busy sewing my evil villain suit to remember things that don't include world domination.

You can snatch this vintage 30's coat from Julie at Damn Good Vintage a wicked awesome coat that has an old-timey villain feel to it, like the superbad librarian-in-disguise on old-timey England who will give you a firm scolding for talking too loud, meanwhile she's got a rubber catsuit on underneath for her other PT job as dominatrix. Or whatever.



And I'd also have powers to sew like a FIEND, because I would bang out (I said bang out) stupid awesome ensembles in minutes and never wear the same thing twice (damn you Paris Hilton), like the dress on this vintage 40's pattern from Jen at MomsPatterns. I'd ixnay the boob pockets, and make the hip pockets extra big. Where else will my flask and laser gun go?

Harlem Nocturne

As everyone had heard by now, Charleton Heston passed away last week. Not *new* news at this point, but sadly I haven't read much written about him, no stories on CNN or hell, not even on craptastic Entertainment Tonight. Why not? I think he was one of those guys that was too misunderstood for his own good and that reputation preceded him. True, he seemed gruff and a little scary and he would STILL kick your ass even from his grave. Like the mean ass uncle you only see at family reunions who feels it's his duty to tell you that you've put on weight and your job will never be good enough and that HIS son is graduating from College University (finally after 6 years) with a Phys Ed degree, meanwhile junior is so far in the closet he's trying on his sister's heels, but you would NEVER tell your uncle the truth about his son, because family just doesn't do that, so you just let Uncle Chuck ramble on about how you are just not as great as you could be. He's got a rep to be like THAT. Also, run-ons are great.



Now, I don't give a rat's about politics- his OR yours. Love him or hate him, at least he took PART in something he dug- not like all the useless mouth breathers in Hollywood today. Did you know that he was a WW11 vet? Did you know that he went to acting school after the war with his GI Bill money that he went into the military to earn? Did you know he was at the civil rights march in 1963? No you didn't, because all we know him for is his politics and one-liners. And a few little known movies, like Ben-Hur, Touch of Evil and Planet of the Apes, but who ever heard of THOSE? There is no denying he was a legend of his generation and THAT is always sad, when a legend dies. Because every time a Great Actor dies, that means there's one more actor/singer/sex tape star/ skank in Hollywood to take his place. I'm talking to YOU BritneyLindseyParisNicole. What have YOU done great in your lifetime? Oh that's right, nothing. What Great Actors will WE be left with, when all the truly good ones are gone?!


Gratuitous Monkey Shot.

So don't cry for me, Charlton Heston. If you could see me right now, I'm spilling my Jack and Coke onto the ground for you, homie. And if you know me, you'll know that THAT is something you can't pry from my cold, dead hands.

T'aint What You Do (It's the Way That Cha Do It)

Things that I think are *always* funny. I don't care if they ARE so 5 years ago and who ever said I was hip anyway? So what if my mind is always set in 1992 time? So what if my humor never exceeded 15-year-old-boy level? My mom thinks I'm cool.

1. Beavis and Butthead.
Cornholio! Metal! Poodles in washing machines!

2. Wayne's World.
Beavis and Butthead all growns up. Things I still say but probably shouldn't:
"asphinctersayswhat?"
"Ex-squeeze me?"
"Okay, party. Bonus."
"It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine."
"Excuse me, but I believe I requested the hand job."

3. Catch phrases that *no one* should ever say again yet are still funny but if you say them I'll act like it's not funny and then expect YOU to laugh at me when I say them:
"This one time, at band camp"
"This is the big one! Elizabeth, I'm coming sweetheart!"
"Danger, Will Robinson"
"Time to make the donuts"
"I've fallen and I can't get up!
"I'm Rick James, bitch"

Also funny are stinking freaking Bes-Ben Hats. Ok, so they've been talked about before but when you feel craptastic and grumpy, looking at a Bes-Ben makes you feel less craptastic. (Still grumpy, though. I change for no one). And if you don't know about Bes-Bens being total 40's whimsies then you are dead to me and I SAID GOOD DAY SIR. They tend to be absurd and wacky and wonderful and wrong and ridiculous and strange and fabulous. I would like to wear fruit on my head at all times, please. They're funny lil' hats, but not in a funny ha-ha way. More like a "Oh, jumping jebus in a pickup! What a funny little hat! I will give my firstborn for that hat and will wear it everywhere and at the most inappropriate times. It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine."

This one is for sale by Antique Dress. Daiquiris sound good right about now, 10:40 in the morning is perfect.



Silver Moon Vintage has this cute little fun one. It's not *that* crazy koo-koo, but still great, so there.



Swans. On your head? That's crazy talk! (I must say though, that these pictures are not that awesome from the Bes-Ben website..oh Bes-Ben...whatsamattayou?!)



What pray tell, would you say is on top of this? Electric wiring? Italian fettuccine on pasta night? Aorta tubing? 'Cuz if it is then SIGN ME UP for a triple bypass.

Get Rhythm

So you're a guy heading to Viva Las Vegas and still haven't found the perfect vintage to wow the broads. No problemo. It's not too late, kid. Wear the best of the best from Fast Eddie's Retro Rags! All delinquent vintage, all the time.

Penney's Towncraft Plaid Panel Shirt Jac w/Flecked Sleeves, L:


50's 2Tone Rayon & Corduroy Loop Collar Shirt Jac, L:


40's/50's Rayon Gaucho Pullover w/Houndstooth Panel, L (Coming later today):


40's Cold Rayon Picnic Plaid Mohawk Sportswear Shirt NOS, L:



She'll thank you in the morning for being so damn awesome.

Tears of a Clown

Is it just me (most likely), or is April Fool's Day the WORST HOLIDAY of all time? It even beats out Arbor Day and Earth Day- but any holiday that beats out a HIPPIE HOLIDAY is fine by me, because hippies don't get all crazy-like over holidays anyways, so they shouldn't be out all saving nature and rescuing endangered...I don't know, what ARE all the cool hippies rescuing these days? Because saving dolphins is SO 1990. And it's NOT FAIR that they have a day dedicated to their earth hugging patchouliness. What do you do for us the rest of the year, HIPPIES? Maybe I want a tree planted the day AFTER Arbor Day, well then what am I supposed to do? And where's MY day? Maybe I need a day dedicated to watching a Saved By the Bell marathon, drinking daiquiris and not getting out of my pajamas all day, because that will help EVERYONE out in the long run. TRUST. And is April Fool's Day even considered a holiday? An event? Or just a no-titled kind of day, just good to pull pranks and play tricksies? (...my preciousss...) What is it? WHAT IS IT?! If someone could tell me, I would appreciate it.

A million years ago (or maybe 13) in my first year of college I made the mistake of letting a couple of hippies that I worked with at the health food store talk me into the working at the renaissance faire. The the REN FAIRE, PEOPLE. And it was VOLUNTEER. Brutally long days in the dead of summer outside with no air conditioning, acting a damn clown for idiots from out of state who just paid too much for their Jumbo Turkey Legs, in the woods, with flying insect bug type things everywhere, walking, for free. Also known as the worst summer of my life so far or ever will be or ever was in any past life or ever will be in any reincarnated lives in the future. Looking back I must have been high (on life) to think this was cool...but I vaguely recall after many, MANY beers thinking that having "volunteer Ren Faire wench" on a resume would be a great idea. Like any prospective employer would read my resume and think, "She walked around all day working a fake British accent and quoting Shakespeare?! Surely you jest! Corner office!". The joke was on THEM though, because I came back the following October and volunteered for the Edgar Allen Poe Haunted Halloween Village, this time walking around rocking a fake British accent, quoting Poe and wearing ZOMBIE MAKEUP. I showed THEM alright. Hippies, you fooled me for the LAST TIME.

But don't you be a fool. You will love these crazy novelty prints and whimsical nonsenseries to celebrate the day of tomfoolery. Which I hate. The day, I mean. Not the stuff below, suckas.

This is so wonderfully bad and badly wonderful. It's aqua. In a diamond shape. And you hang it on the wall so everyone can marvel at it's kitschy wrongness that is so right. From Dandelion Girl



Keep your knight in shining armor close to your heart (aww shucks) with this cutie pie vintage blouse from Denisebrain. It'll be up for sale in a few days, hold your horses people.



Shields, axes, pointy stabby things? What more could a girl ask for? From my friend Jody at Couture Allure

The Shadow Knows

You know how they say "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb? Well who are "they"? And why do THEY have say in the matter anyway?! Who picked THEM to be dictators of saying stuff? I wanna say stuff too! I'm writing a strongly worded letter to "them" about the matter. Anyhow, they were WRONG. Today is the last day of March and it is not going out like a lamb. It is grey and rain-like and not on the springish side and all around craptastic. The kind of day which I love, shock and surprise. Maybe it's because I'm a Scorpio and we like the Dark Side. Dreary days make me happier somehow and I get more work done, like writing grumpy blogs. I think I need re-wiring because that seems unholy. Mother nature, you FOILED ME AGAIN.

Also unholy and wrong yet crafty and fun for the whole family is this page that come from a vintage cookbook, from LemonLovesPepper. You never know when you'll need to hide the evidence and cut up your side of lamb and feed it to the cops while they case over your apartment. Anyone who knows what I'm talking about gets a shiny new quarter because if you love a disturbed tale as much as I do, then PROPS TO YOU.



Not gruesome, but these lions DO look like they are bad mutha's (shut yo' mouth). You can find this vintage 60's displeased lion novelty print blouse at Fast Eddie's Retro Rags