Monday, November 10, 2008

Redneck Christmas

I was at Walgreen's today, stocking up on the last of the street-legal "fun drugs" (Midol and Pamprin. Just TRY to step to this tough broad. I even take my Pamprin with chocolate milk. CHOCOLATE MILK. You heard.) And I was staring at the 75% off Halloween crap, wondering if I did indeed need the family size bag of Twix like I thought I did (though the junk in my trunk would disagree), and on the other side of the Halloween aisle is Xmas stuff and I had a moment of "WWJD?". Would Jebus feel like I was cheating on him by ignoring the Xmas aisle altogether and loading up on cheap Halloween garbage I really didn't need, but come on it's 75% off, and Xmas is still a long time away. And we all know that Halloween is anti-Jebus and while he is my homeboy (random shout-out to 2001!) and all, the dark lord of $1.88 Clearance Mini Snickers calls to me, too. All this wondering if I hurt Jebus's feelings by not being ready to acknowledge the Xmas candy aisle made my brain hurt, so neither cheap Halloween crap nor early Xmas crap was bought today. But I did stop at the liquor store on the way home, so it all evens out and I'm pretty sure Jebus is indifferent to the noon liquor store run.

But on the way home, I noticed some of my white trashedy neighbors putting up their "Jesus is the Reason For the Season" seasonal flag and blow-up Winnie the Pooh snow globe (that I secretly want to pop in the middle of the night, is that somehow wrong?). I still have my Green Eggs & Ham pumpkin outside, what am I supposed to do with THAT monstrosity? The 15 year old inside of me wants to roll it out into traffic or heave it from the overpass onto an 18-wheeler below, but that is against the law. And if there's one thing I never worry about, it's abiding by the rules. But Xmas lights on the front porch already?! I have the spirit of Jebus Clause, really I do. Hell, even my Dad has Xmas lights up around his porch all year long. Well, they're not so much "Xmas lights" as they are plastic hamburger and french fries novelty lights from the 80's that were there when he bought the house 5 years ago. And it's not so much a "house" as it is a trailer, but you get the idea. Nothing celebrates "the reason for the season" better than novelty lights in a trailer park.



  1. I have a neighbor up the street who had 9 - yes NINE - Christmas wreaths with big red bows on his house on October 15, two weeks before Halloween. Now there are light up angels on the deck and the three wisemen are on the front porch. I'm sure the reindeer go out on the lawn by the weekend. The problem is not so much that the guy likes Christmas. It's that I have to look at this stuff for at least 4 months - cause you know it's not coming down until February. 4 months - that 1/3 of the year!!!!!!!!!!!

    Somebody help me.

  2. The blow up Winnie the Pooh globe and what you wanna do to it gave me a good laugh. Back home in Chicago, I had a lady across the street and a few houses over from mine who had like 4 or 5 of those things in her front yard. A nice BB gun w/ a decent scope comes in really handy at times like that.

    Me and my friend who we'll call Tom (even though his name is Pete) used to scope out the hood for plug in lights that we'd unplug and shit like that. But our big night was when Pete, er, um, Tom and I drove past the local library and we noticed that they had actually decorated the HUGE pine tree out in front of the building for like the 1st time in our lives. So, we drove past, parked his car like a block away and took hedge trimmers to the cord of the damn thing once we unplugged it. We left it missing like 2 or 3 feet of extension cord so there would be no quick fix or splicing done to have the thing up and blinking again the next night.

    God, we were NOT nice. But oh man, those are memories Ill never forget, kinda cruel and whatever but we never hurt anyone while doing it and it was a lot more nice than sugar in the gas tank to certain cars too.

    I never did find out what that actually did.