Redneck Christmas

I was at Walgreen's today, stocking up on the last of the street-legal "fun drugs" (Midol and Pamprin. Just TRY to step to this tough broad. I even take my Pamprin with chocolate milk. CHOCOLATE MILK. You heard.) And I was staring at the 75% off Halloween crap, wondering if I did indeed need the family size bag of Twix like I thought I did (though the junk in my trunk would disagree), and on the other side of the Halloween aisle is Xmas stuff and I had a moment of "WWJD?". Would Jebus feel like I was cheating on him by ignoring the Xmas aisle altogether and loading up on cheap Halloween garbage I really didn't need, but come on it's 75% off, and Xmas is still a long time away. And we all know that Halloween is anti-Jebus and while he is my homeboy (random shout-out to 2001!) and all, the dark lord of $1.88 Clearance Mini Snickers calls to me, too. All this wondering if I hurt Jebus's feelings by not being ready to acknowledge the Xmas candy aisle made my brain hurt, so neither cheap Halloween crap nor early Xmas crap was bought today. But I did stop at the liquor store on the way home, so it all evens out and I'm pretty sure Jebus is indifferent to the noon liquor store run.

But on the way home, I noticed some of my white trashedy neighbors putting up their "Jesus is the Reason For the Season" seasonal flag and blow-up Winnie the Pooh snow globe (that I secretly want to pop in the middle of the night, is that somehow wrong?). I still have my Green Eggs & Ham pumpkin outside, what am I supposed to do with THAT monstrosity? The 15 year old inside of me wants to roll it out into traffic or heave it from the overpass onto an 18-wheeler below, but that is against the law. And if there's one thing I never worry about, it's abiding by the rules. But Xmas lights on the front porch already?! I have the spirit of Jebus Clause, really I do. Hell, even my Dad has Xmas lights up around his porch all year long. Well, they're not so much "Xmas lights" as they are plastic hamburger and french fries novelty lights from the 80's that were there when he bought the house 5 years ago. And it's not so much a "house" as it is a trailer, but you get the idea. Nothing celebrates "the reason for the season" better than novelty lights in a trailer park.