Friday, October 10, 2008

Human Fly

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

That is by far my favorite one yet. Little Hector's sleeping with the fishes now because he didn't pay his gambling debt to Johnny Goombah. And another thing, spellcheck is confused by "goombah" and thinks perhaps I meant gumbo. Which is funny on an entirely different plane: Hector was done in by a bowl of gumbo. Was it poisoned? Day-old shrimp? Bayou country voodoo pox? Shellfish allergy? I MUST know.


(Someone emailed me, asking what's up with my titles. If I have to explain it to you, my head might explode. Here's the Cliff Note version: every title is a song title and usually has some relevance to the day's blog theme. Sometimes, not so much relevance. You can't question logic like that.)

H is also for haunted.

I've been googling all night long (there's a skanky joke in there, but I have no time today to stop for filthy puns), and I'm officially over the 4 jillion websites out there dedicated to haunted places, haunted houses or haunted Wal-Marts. Not really, but that would make for an excellently crappy b-movie...must not start writing haunted Wal-Mart movie plots in my head..."Aisle 7: dog food, detergent and death"..."She went in for Head and Shoulders, but left without her head"...

Instead, I'm taking the high-class road as always, by which I mean there is no class to be found here. I had the good intention of finding "haunted" crap on ebay, but found the listings under the "Buy> Everything Else> Weird Stuff> Totally Bizarre" category much more entertaining and sleazy. Which is pretty much how I roll. I would not object to partying with the hillbillies who found Jesus in their Cocoa Puffs or discovered a carrot shaped like a wang. I'm all for commerce, but how retarded must a person be to fall for this garbage? Just because I spent $87 on a Virgin Mary grilled cheese sammich does not make me a loser, does it? I call it my "get out of jail free card", like an instant ticket into heaven, since there's a slim chance of me getting in on good merit otherwise.

More crap of interest:

Palin toast. Saving your soul one crusty, burned bite at a time. Now with more brimstone flavor!

I'm not partisan, I think most of politics is ridiculous and scammy and so I must make fun of everyone involved, so enjoy some supposed Obama toast. It looks just like him, except for the lack of big ears and toothy, Cheshire Cat smile. It looks more like Karen Carpenter than Obama, otherwise the similarities are endless.

This is an actual title:


They're hocking exactly what you think. The power to make women do what you want. Ha!

Dude. They're called hookers.

*Human Fly by The Cramps.

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever considered writing a book, because every time I read your blog I find myself curiously yearning for more. Think about it!