Way-Out Wednesday: Low Elf Esteem

Today marks the first edition of "Way-Out Wednesday: Holiday Horrors." Woohoo! Huzzah! Rapture! Actually, I just made that up, just now. I'm not entirely sure I can do a whole month of Christmas/Hanukkah/whateverthehell holiday themes for Way-Out Wednesdays, but I sure as shootin' am gonna try. On with the holiday massacre...


You know how you're always asking me: "What do you suppose it would look like if you crossed Pinocchio, with Shari Lewis (and Lambchop), with Captain Spock, with Tammy Faye Baker, with an order of haggis, with Debra Messing, with Michael Flatley, with a box of Lucky Charms, with Robin Williams, with a pocket-sized vibrator, with your Grandma's homemade afghan from 1970, with a handful of Danny Partridge's chest hair, with Legolas from Lord of the Rings, with a pint of Guinness, and with a marching band nerd?"

I would say unto you: "This, bitches":





Aww. Cute, right? Sweet little festive elf type...critter...of some sort...bringing holiday cheer and goodwill to men or whatever it is elves such as this do. But let's get a closer look:





Oh sweet jebus. Scared. Holiday joy gone. Do not want Christmas. Santa bad. Closet good. Go to happy place. Unicorns and rainbows, unicorns and rainbows, unicorns and rainbows...




Many thanks to Art*Deco*Dame for being a sport and providing this super kitschy, super cool Vintage Crochet Christmas Elf, currently for sale in her Etsy shop!