Hanging On The Telephone

I hate birds. They're flying disease machines with eyeball-scratchy claws and beaks of pokey torture and just the thought of them flying anywhere near my personal space is enough to make me run for the hills. If the hills were made of Xanax. Am I a mental case? Magic 8 Ball says "it is certain"! Ever notice how sometimes they're ganged up in the parking lot and when you walk past them they don't even flinch, but instead give you the "oh no you DIDN'T" look? They're up to something and probably shouldn't be trusted. Those arrogant flying jerks.

Here is my backyard. It's crammed with really dense, low hanging trees, jungle-like and kinda dark, so when birds fly, they pretty much have to fly low to the ground, under all the branches. In my PERSONAL SPACE.



(Pay no mind to the random barrel in the background. That's where the menfolk shoot empty cans with BB guns. Can you hear Dueling Banjos yet? And if you're the "BB guns are evil" type, then that's where the menfolk sit and talk about their feelings and write poems.)

So while in this overgrown backyard, I was on the phone with my sister-in-law leaving a message on her voice mail when 2 birds were hauling ass past my head at warp speed and I'm pretty sure I looked in their eyes and saw Satan laughing at me. It was EXACTLY like this:



Except it was nothing at all like that but if FELT like it went down that way. So while the birds were dive-bombing me I was quite literally screaming, "Oh my GOD! Birds! Back! Back!" and waving my arms around wildly, all the while this was being recorded on the voice mail I was leaving. My sister-in-law called me back later and said "Are you retarded? Are you kidding me, you're scared of birds?!". As if my in-laws don't already think I'm odd, this just makes them think even MORE highly of me. Good times.

The only birds I can approve of are the not-real types. Like these Flying Jerks on a wicked awesome vintage 50's Catalina swimsuit offered by my homeslice Ang of Dorothea's Closet Vintage. DIRTY BIRDS...



What's that you say? What are they doing? Leapfrog? Nope. The Heimlich maneuver? Nope....



That's right. They're DOING IT. Getting their freak on, birdy style. Which is still creepy, but better to have a cool novelty print of them doing it than having them actually FLYING AT YOUR FACE while doing it, isn't it?