Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Everyone wears sweaters. While this may be true, there is an unknown threat lurking behind them, demanding men's attention, waiting to be set free. On this particular spring day, Dad decided to take the kids on a leisurely drive for ice cream in the old family Studebaker when out of nowhere came a Tight Sweater! What should he do?! Should he stop and let it pass? Look the other way and pretend not to notice it? Stare it down awkwardly until it runs away in tears? Too many options! The Tight Sweater is coming closer! Everyone is in a panic! Send the family poodle out to get help! But it was too late. Since Dad didn't know how to react, he hit the tree in Old Man Jenkin's front yard. Sweater vests and hair ribbons were strewn everywhere. There were no survivors.*
* This public service announcement was brought to you by the Project for the Really Uptight who Destroy Everything. Don't let a Tight Sweater claim another victim! Know how to spot, identify and handle a Tight Sweater. The P.R.U.D.E.s meet every Wednesday in the school library, where they discuss the sin of Tupperware, tight sweaters and how to stop them, the joy of orthopedic comfort sandals and how to bring forth the downfall of the devil's music, also known as rock and/or roll music. They invite everyone to come and sign up to be a member! Snickerdoodles and lemonade will be served. Food and drink is not allowed.
"Bus To Beelzebub" by Soul Coughing.