Be My Baby

And now it's time for another episode of mystery and intrigue, love won and lost, confusion and malaise, told through the pages of 1958's "Botany College Hand Knits" and the deception the love of a sweater can bring.

And now, we hope you enjoy today's episode: "Knit Wits".



The tragedy starts out with 2 seemingly normal beaus, Johnny and his best gal Jane, taking a break from their college studies and meeting up for a chat under the shade of the ol' pine trees. Jane was smitten with the lad, and most of the young ladies on campus noticed Johnny too, with his Gable-esque Royal Crown hair glistening in the sunlight and looking dapper in his high-waisted trousers...



Random Campus Girl 1: "Ooh, break me off some of that. You want fries with that shake, baby? Seriously, look at that ASS. You could bounce coins off that thing! Has he been working out with Jack LaLanne or WHAT, because mama's got a whole pocketful of quarters, an almost-undone cardigan and nowhere to go."




Random Campus Girl 2: "Going my way, sugar? Way down my PANTS! Hey yooo! But seriously, it won't be hard to get in my slacks today, because little does he know I'm only wearing my all-in-one, open-bottom, zip-up girdle underneath this smart plaid slack set! Mama's feeling naughty tonight!"

Let's listen in on our 2 lovers. Continuing on with Knit Wits...



Jane: "Oh Johnny, I'm ever so glad you were able to sneak away from your fraternity meeting of the Kappa Omega Kappas and meet me here in Lover's Wood. I see you brought your copy of "The Atomic Bomb and You: Perfect Together" I gave you. Isn't it all just too romantic? The idea of the world coming to an end and having mere moments alone with the person of your dreams...siiigghh, it's all just too dreamy...

Johnny: "Uhhh...right. Actually, it's a copy of "The Male Anatomy: Good Things Come in Small Packages, Too". But you know, whatever.

Jane: "Oh, well, no bother. We can read it together later. Alone. In my dorm room. At night. Alone.

Johnny: "Umm...Hmm. Well, what about your roommate? Yeah! Your roommate! Won't she be there?"

Jane: "Sarah? No, silly goose. Don't you remember? She came down with polio and she's out for the semester. I have the room all to myself, to do things only 2 people can do together...alone... if you know what I mean."

Johnny: Damn! I mean...damn, golly gee that's bad news for Sarah. Oh, you know what? I just rememebered. I can't see you later tonight because I have another secret meeting with the boys in the fraternity tonight. Yes, that's it! The KOKs need me Jane. More than ever, they need me."

Jane: But the tree! Did you notice the tree? I carved a heart in it! Isn't it all just too "Dobie Gillis"? I was figuring you could carve our initials in it...Johnny? Yoo-hoo, Johnny! Umm.. I'm right here, pookie. Johnny?...Hellooo...? I just don't understand you anymore, Johnny. I even wore my smartest wool sweater set, just for you. I noticed you were enjoying looking at Ralph in his tight cardigan the other day and I knew you would simply be smitten once you saw me wearing this! Sigh. What's a girl gotta do to get your attention? JOHNNY?! What the hell, man? Why won't you pay attention to me? What are you looking at?!








Jane: "Oh....OH!....Ohhhhh...It all makes sense now: the late nights, the smelling of Aramis, the Martha Stewart magazine subscription...Damn. Why does this always happen to me? You know what they say, the good ones are always married or gay. Or dead. Mwuahahaha!..."

And so concludes this week's episode. Tune in at a later date for the continuing saga. We hope you enjoyed your stay with us this evening! Drive safe, keep a watchful eye for the Reds and buy war bonds!



"Be My Baby" by the Ronettes.