Wednesday, December 10, 2008

...On the ELEVENTH Day Of Christmas...

...My true love gave to me, 11 pipers piping...

Have you noticed that no one smokes pipes anymore? Not counting, like, your grandpas who've been smoking pipes since the Great War, I'm talking about considerably less-old people. I want to see pipes in vogue again in the under-40 crowd, if for no other reason than to viciously mock their pseudo intellectual beatnik-chic. I'm not sure what that means, since I just made it up. But it sounds snarky fabulous and I'm going to start using it in everyday conversation. Observe: "Did you see John at Starbucks yesterday wearing a turtleneck, smoking a pipe, fake-writing on his laptop at a vain attempt for attention combined with his growing-in chin pubes and reading The Grapes of Wrath?"... "Ohmygod, I KNOW. He's such a pseudo intellectual beatnik-chic poseur. Plus, he never called me after we 'went out' last month, so I hate him."

The last time pipes were cool was probably in the 1970's. This is how I picture men who smoke pipes: 70's English Lit professor wearing a corduroy blazer with suede elbow patches, key party in his log cabin with his students, red wine, Jim Croce record playing in the background, hot tub and qualudes. I guess that's not so much "cool" as it is "really gross".

So today I'm homaging creepy pipe-smoking men in vintage ads and patterns! (But what's the deal with guys on pattern covers looking so homo-erotic? Even when they try to make the guy look tough, it's an epic fail in heterosexual masculinity.)

Stripey Boxers: "As soon as young Benjamin over there is done yakking up the Roofie-tinis I gave him, this all-male "pajama party" is ON. He won't even know what hit him. And tonight, I'm keeping the penny loafers on.

Stripey PJ's: "Oh Rooo-beee? I'm wearing my pink pajamas and coyly pretending to read this book full of blank paaaaaa-ges! You know what that means?!"

Yellow PJ's: "Yes, dear. But tonight...the midget watches."

(The above 2 patterns are available from my friend Julie over at Damn Good Vintage )


Wrong. She's not making that face because she likes the way you look with that pipe. She's actually thinking of how she can make tire tracks over your back look like an accident.


Cateye Lady: "Oh. My. God. Is that Betty and Rick over there? I can't believe they had the nerve to come to the lodge this weekend, when I told her we wanted to be alone. Bitch. If she thinks she's getting my recipe for Meatloaf Surprise, she's crazy! Crap, don't look now but they're walking over here. I said DON'T LOOK."

Pipe Guy: "Damn. Has Rick been working out?! He is working those ski pants."


"No one understands me like you do, little glass unicorn figurine. Just you and Mother."


  1. OMG, you are hilarious, Kim. Priceless.

  2. If only the pipe would make a comeback. So much more elegant than Newports.