Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Three Cigarettes In An Ashtray


Yellow Dress: "Hey Judy, how do you like my new tie? Actually it's a men's necktie, but I think it looks mucho fabulous worn this way, don't you agree? Whatsa matter, Judy? You look perplexed...like you've seen this necktie before or something. Well, lemme check something here....Huh. It appears as though the initials BS are embroidered on the inside of this here necktie. Why, Judy! Doesn't your husband Bob Smith get everything he owns monogrammed? Small world! Remember last thursday when you called the office and Bob said he was tied up and wouldn't be home until late? Well that's not the only way he was "tied up", if you catch my drift."

Green Dress: "Hey Judy, how do you like my new indoor/outdoor Ray-Bans? Actually, they're not mine, but the prescription is close enough. I picked them up on Saturday for my spectacular boating trip to the Hamptons. What's that? Bob lost his sunglasses last weekend? Pity. Whatsa matter, Judy? Since when did I become interested in fishing? You know what they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea, and all that jazz...and I plan on taking every one of those fish for a test drive, if you catch my drift. Well whaddya know, what's this written here? There's a label on the inside of these sunglasses that says "Property of the SS Weiner Schnitzel" Isn't that the name of Bob's dingy? Small world! You know that Marlin that Bob mounted above the fireplace this past monday? Well that's not the only thing that was "stuffed" OR "mounted", if you catch my drift.

Red Dress: Sigh. You silly, stupid women. Do you think it bothers me that you skanks got all up on my husband? Who hasn't? There's a reason why I stopped sleeping with him ages ago. But you broads forget one thing: while you've been doing the horizontal mambo for nothing in return except for, what, some used accessories, I've been getting our life insurance finalized and in order. You do know that Bob has a million dollar life insurance policy, right? And you do know that if in the unfortunate case of his untimely death, the wife claims it, not the two-bit trash he's currently banging. Did you sluts notice that Bob's been downing an awful lot of antacids lately? Could be a stomach ulcer that's been bothering him, could be the ground glass and rat poison that somehow has been turning up in his morning Bloody Mary. This time tomorrow I'll be a mill clams richer and you hoochies will be back in the steno pool wondering how you're gonna pay next week's rent. Bye-bye bitches! Oh, and one more thing: enjoy the itch. Give it a few days, you'll see what I mean."

"Three Cigarettes In An Ashtray" by Patsy Cline.