Monday, November 24, 2008

99 Problems

Today starts the countdown to the big day, the day of the stuffed bird and unbuttoned pants. Also known as Thanksgiving Day to my North American homies. But don't be hatin', England. Hate the game, not the playa (ha! I haven't dropped that gem in a long time.) Even though Thanksgiving Day is a big ol' historical "FU" to England, you know we still love you UK, what with your charming accents and bad food. (But what the hell is up with lamb & mint flavored chips? Sorry, lamb and mint flavoured crisps? That's just plain wrong, right there.)

So today, instead of being the usual crabby, grumpy, sarcastic, pain in the ass as I usually am in blog-form, I'm going to be a crabby, grumpy, sarcastic, pain in the ass, but thankful. I could be one of those people who go on about how thankful they are for their kids and family and good health and they believe the children are our future, but you and I know that the other 364 days of the year those same people complain endlessly about their damn weenie kids, their lazy slob of a husband who hasn't worked a job in 4 years and won't shut their faces about their Irritable Bowel Syndrome. So I won't do that. Nay, instead I'll make a list of random things I'm grateful for.

1.) I am thankful that I've never had leprosy. I pretty much like most of my body parts and don't want to see them fall off. Although I wouldn't mind if some of the junk in my trunk region fell off. Or better yet, just shape-shifted to a different part, say, the rack region. I could be just like the liquid metal guy from Terminator 2! Only slightly less robotic in nature.

2). I am thankful for Time Life Classics' late night infomercials. You know, the ones that run for half an hour and are hosted by washed-up musicians and their co-host of some random nobody who is half their age. Really rockin' hosts like Peter Noone. Those are great to watch when you can't sleep, if nothing else than for the pure cheese factor. Man, they're lame. But man, I love 'em. Last night's was not particularly entertaining, sadly. It was the commercial for "Classic Soft Rock"- who can forget the enchanting harmonies of Seals and Crofts' "Summer Breeze" or the dazzling memories of getting a root canal in the mid 80's to Kenny Loggins' "This Is It"?

3. I am thankful that it now only costs about $25 to fill up my car, as opposed to the 50-odd bucks it did a month ago. Now I have more money to get those custom seal skin seat covers and bald eagle windshield wiper cozies for the '09 Cadillac Escalade I'm saving up for. And if prices continue to fall, I'll have the dough for 24k gold rims with baby elephant tusk clackers on them. And for that, I am truly grateful.

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