Monday, May 26, 2008

Born Under A Bad Sign

Is it true that people can be born unlucky? I think I may have been, as my life seems sprinkled with Charlie Brownian moments for as long as I can remember. Maybe karma knew before I was even a thought in my parent's hippie heads that I'd enter this world an already-seasoned jaded pessimist and added insult to injury by making me a Scorpio. Jebus, why you gotta play me like that? Astrology-Online says this:

"Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment."

Does that not sound terrifically filthy and borderline "Danielle Steele opening line"?

This weekend the Small Fry marched in his very first parade for the Cub Scouts, which for most people would a non-issue kind of a day but like any show on any day of the week on Univision, the day was full of Drama! Passion! Suspense! Betrayal! Except without the drama, passion, suspense or betrayal. The button thingy on my flip flop did break though, sending my foot overboard, followed by a string of curse words, making the Ball and Chain embarrassed because I happened to be near a group of Vietnam Vets, which we all know are avid broken flip flop cursers, so what's the big deal I say? And I hate feet, I hate looking at feet and I hate flip flops, mostly because I am inept at walking in them correctly. I never wear them in public much, except of course when I wear curlers, Biore pore strips and house coat to go grocery shopping- as if THAT'S ever a faux pas. But on this day I wore them and there was Tragedy on Main Street, which wouldn't have even happened except we were running late and had to sprint briskly to get a good view and I don't sprint or do ANYTHING briskly and it was ALL HIS FAULT as everything usually is.

The second incident in the day of a series of unfortunate events was losing my camera batteries when they decided to make a break for it and head for the border AKA the sewer grate, never to be heard from again. Who needs pictures of their child's First Major Cub Scout Event, anyway?

I used to surround myself with good-luck charms to ward off the Evil Eye or whatever kind of hoodoo they're supposed to do and carry a rabbit's foot for good luck, which did nothing but get dried out and shed everywhere and then I'm pretty sure my dog might have eaten it at some point. (Should they not do that?) Shout-out to my peeps at PETA! But don't worry Pam Anderson as I know you're reading this, I ate the rest of the rabbit first before using it's paw for a keychain and fashioning a toaster cozy out of it's fur. Did I mention the elaborate shampoo and mascara tests I used on him? So it all worked out in the end, though I'm still unlucky but still luckier than that rabbit.

Need to get lucky? (of COURSE I went there). Then perhaps you should take a gamble on this vintage 50's rayon blouse from Fast Eddie's Retro Rags-it has painted good luck charm figures on them! Getting lucky not included.

I won't even mention the power of rhinestones. THE RHINESTONES. But I'm not even gonna mention it.



No comments:

Post a Comment