Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What Do I Get?


Hi? Uh... hell-lo? Down here?! Yeah, remember me?!! I see everyone else got the cute Patty Duke "flip" 'do, but not me, right? Sure, just part it down the middle and comb it behind my ears, that's swell. What look am I going for, exactly? The lady who hands out cheese samples at the Hillshire Farms store in the mall? 'Cuz you stylists nailed it. Great. I look like Laura freaking Ingalls. I guess I also get the boring-ass brown skirt, too. No, I guess I don't need color, just make me a walking turd, thanks. I heard the librarian marm look is really big with the 18-25 year-old crowd, so I'm sure to land me a hot man tonight, so thanks for the confidence booster in making me look 80. And what's this little...oh, that's just freaking GREAT. Yeah, don't bother to photoshop out what appears to be pit pubes, just go ahead and make me look like an unshaven, granola-eating hippie. Men, come and get me. Just keep standing there, you Mary Tyler Moore wanna-be, just act like you don't even know I'm here. And honey, enough already with the Wonder Woman pose. It was funny the first 7 times you did it. Now it's just sad. And don't even start with me, Gangsta Barbie. What, what is that, like, your gang sign you're flashing there, honey? It must have been tough growin' up in your 'hood- tennis court in the backyard, beemer in the driveway for your sweet 16, a pool boy named Chad...90210 represent, like, totally! I hate all you bitches. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

"What Do I Get?" by the Buzzcocks.

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