Seasons In The Sun

Today's the first day of fall, y'all! But August was a sucktastic month as far as summer-like months go. It pretty much felt like fall for the past couple of weeks. Global Warming you say? Ha! I say to you, ha! Ice Age is more like it, my homeslices. This morning was a morning of firsts: For the first time in a months I had to put on actual socks (as opposed to non-actual socks?), instead of just slipping on Chucks, sans-sock. And for the past couple of weeks the leaves 'round these here parts have been *trying* to change, but it was more like they went from green to lesser green to just plain dead and then they fell to the ground. But this morning was thee first time I noticed one single leaf getting it's orange-on, waaay up high in my giant front tree with the Mysterious Birdhouse.



Yeah I know the picture is tragic, but it was 3 (!) stories up in the tree and I don't have high-tech, space-age, high-falutin' camera attachments for such an occasion as "Capturing Leaf Hue Variables", so DEAL WITH IT, INGRATES. Try to share the beauty of freaking nature and her freaking wonders and you expect me to be Annie Liebowitz. GOSH.

Anyway and lastly, it was the first time I saw frost on the car windows. FROST, mo-fo's! Well that seems a little uncalled for so early in the season, doesn't it? And you know it's only a matter of time before you start to think about turning on the heat, but considering the price of gas and oil and not to mention electric bills, the idea of turning on the heat makes you consider getting all mountain-folk survivalist on your family's ass and build fires and can your own food and hunt your own...squirrel.

Or whatever. I'm just sayin'. Maybe fall is one of those seasons that starts out all romantic and dreamy and full of wonder and crap and ends up with your butt shivering on the vinyl car seat, sticking your face in the steam of your Dunkin Donuts coffee trying to unthaw, swearing that THIS year you're gonna buy a remote starter and snow blower and pay the neighborhood teens to shovel your driveway, knowing full well that none of it's gonna happen but maybe next year.

(***Cheesy Segue Alert***)

Speaking of chilly weather and saving on heating costs, why not stock up on vintage cardigans? I must say that selling vintage sweaters from the 50's-60's is an obsession of mine and I also must say that I am always well-stocked with them, roughly carrying 20 at a time (though more in the coming winter months). Oddly, I sell more sweaters than vintage dress. Go figure. The recent additions look even more fantastic, thanks to my brand new vixen of a mannequin, as opposed to the little stump of a dress form I was using with the linebacker shoulders that I would not mind setting on fire and drifting out to sea, like a grand Nordic funeral for a dearly departed friend. Or whatever.

Here's a sample preview of what's COMING SOON this week to Fast Eddie's Retro Rags:

50's White Hot Waffle-Weave Bolero:



50's Pink Pinup Kerrybrooke Bolero Cardigan Sweater, NOS:



60's Hot Pink Embroidered Flowers Cardigan Sweater, NOS:



Here a quickie sample of what's AVAILABLE NOW:

Rhinestone Starburst Vintage 50's Cardigan Sweater w/Pink Plastic Leaves:



Beaded & Sequins Vintage 50's Cardigan Sweater, NOS:



3-D Mushrooms Vintage 50's Doreen Cashmere Cardigan Sweater:

Time To Get Ill

I think I may have the Plague. My current state is "Mostly Dead" and let me tell you it feels like a 7 a.m. hangover minus all the funs from the night before and that is NOT FAIR. I'm not sure where exactly I contracted this Black Death, though I think it was from this one time, in the Fire Swamp, I got a wicked bad bite from a rat on steroids. Farm Boy Wesley and I ran like hell through there and had to sword-fight some dudes and we visited a magician in a tree and then we killed the bad guys--only to find out that we were just a fairytale being read to Kevin Arnold by his grandpa Columbo. And if you're down with ANY of that, then you get 5 gold stars. And if you're down wit' O.P.P., you get 5 million gold stars.

While I was in a head-full-o-cement state yesterday, I learned a few things that you should never do when you're really sickly:

1. Never take a cold pill and then get in your car and drive to the drug store to load up on more because chances are you will get home and not even remember driving in the first place. And non-drowsy pills LIE because they are chock full of drowse.

2. Never make a phone call that requires remembering something, as in making a doctor's appointment. You will forget when and what time you're supposed to be there and then you'll have to call back and you will probably feel slightly ass-like asking "Umm...yeah, hi. I just called and made an appointment but I forgot to like...write it down or whatever...*What* day am I coming in again?...". Or maybe you don't care about looking like a jerk to your medical staff. You know they're all making fun of you when you hang up the phone, right?

3. Trying to do actual work on the computer while slowly dieing does not result in actual work. It starts with good intentions but eventually you'll get sidetracked and if it's not porn or Pac-Man, it's weird medical facts.

Which is exactly what happened to me and I started looking up what the Plague is and how it started and eventually I came across weird medical links. I learned the most fascinating and irrelevant thing of all time, which I naturally feel I must pass on to you all. Did you know that to get drunk faster, you shouldn't drink beer the normal way but...oh, how to put this delicately...put the bottle where the sun don't shine? It's TRUE. Emptying a bottle of beer into your nether regions will result in instant drunkitude. Look it up. I would never kid about beer and booty.

So that's all for now. Back to death I go, weeee! Perhaps I'll discover more fun facts. In fact, maybe I should have a weekly segment called "Disgusting Medical Fun Facts That I Bet You're Gonna Try".

Rico Suave

You know what's been bugging me lately? (Besides politics...the weather...my in-laws...most people...the "check engine" light that never shuts off...) It's the fact that every year, the "Fashion Trend Reports" come out in the fall and again in spring, predicting what'll be "hot" (that word is horrible) for the season. I can pretty much tap into my mighty psychic skillz and predict it. For free. And without needing to be some useless, borderline retarded fashionista either. (*cough* Posh Spice *cough* Paris Hilton).

All you need to do is repeat the SAME EXACT TRENDS every season. I'm going to take a WILD guess and predict that for fall, earthy hues with a punch of "jewel tones" (ie: amethyst purples, garnet reds and the like) will be major, as well as plaids and tweeds, throw in some leather, suede, and velvet. Am I close? I damn well SHOULD be, because those are the "trends" for fall from the PAST 4 YEARS. Lucky Magazine should hire me. I'm a freaking GEM, I say. MSN Shopping (like they've got their pulse on what Kids These Days are wearing) predicts- and I quote-

"While traditionally a time for subdued colors, this fall is defined by rich hues with exciting undertones expressing sophistication and elegance. Plum and deep purple are the colors of the season, while camel, olive, and mustard vie for second place"

Are they saying that earth tones and jewel tones are a hit? No kidding?!

"The over-riding trend this season is tactile fabrics in ultra-sophisticated effects and finishes that add richness to clean tailoring. The favorite fabric of the season is wool, but in featherweights that highlight your figure. Textured effects on tweeds, Shetlands, or mohair add rich detailing that remains light and warm, while rough-cut hemlines appear on the more dense fabrics to create a threaded effect. Houndstooth, plaids and other traditionally masculine patterns are found in everything from coats to handbags."

I NEVER in a million years could have guessed that wool and tweed and plaid patterns were going to be popular. I'm such a dope.

I bet for winter people are going to wear...oh, I dunno...COATS? And perhaps BOOTS of some Ugg-like variety? Time will tell if I'm right. I think we need to bring the muff back (I said muff) in sheared beaver (come ON, I couldn't stop myself. I have a problem. Sorry.) And 1920's knickerbocker pants for men. And Charlie Chaplin style bowlers. And the Stutz Bearcat will be THEE car to drive. See? What the hell does Donatella know anyway?

No? FINE. If you insist on your wools and your plaids and your whateverthehells.
I loves me these capris! From Viva Vintage Clothing come these wonderful vintage 50's, red plaid (check), wool (double check) capris with little laces on the hem. Not too useful in the fall and winter here in Poconos hell, but surely you California folk can rock these. ROCK THEM I SAY.




But don't say I didn't predict that earmuffs would be cool.

Wooly Bully

If you're ever really bored one friday night waiting for Rick to call you with a lame excuse why he can't take you to the Def Leppard concert only to find out that he took that skank Tiffany who works at the Orange Julius in the mall instead -or- your boss took the day off and you can live up to your full slack potential at work by playing Frogger and shopping on ebay to find the 1984 Rainbow Brite that your mom wouldn't buy because it was $19.99 and your brother needed a perm instead and apparently a man perm takes priority to childhood happiness, then I HIGHLY recommend wasting time on this site called Yearbook Yourself.


You upload a picture of yourself and then it shows what your yearbook picture would look like from the 1950's to 2000. Because I am solid in my ability of making an ass of myself, please enjoy the wonder that is called Kim Through The Years:

This is what I would have looked look like in 1966. Not too shabby so far...



1968...still not overly grotesque...



1976...when I was born, y'all...




1978...good lord...the 'fro is never a good look on a white girl...



1982...My eyes! NO! Won't somebody think of the children?!...



1994, when I graduated (Go Green Knights. Worst football team in the history of high school football.) I neither had hair *this* Aqua Net-friendly, nor did I hang out with Uncle Jesse.

Goodnight Irene

As some of you already know, there will be a movie coming out about the woman, the myth, the legend, Coco Chanel. Starring Shirley MacLaine. On Lifetime. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Oh wait, yes I do, I think it's the worst idea since Pizza Combos. Now, I loves me some Shirley MacLaine. I love that every role she's played from the 1980's to today is a boozy, grizzled, bitchy old lady who deep down has a heart of gold but can't help verbally abusing her loved ones. A role I hope to transition into as gracefully someday. I really love me some Shirley MacLaine in her earlier work like The Apartment and Irma la Douce, generally playing a gal of loose morals (yeah, I mean a slut).

I'm sure she's gonna rock the hell out of playing Coco Chanel. I'm just not sure *anyone* should be playing Coco, let alone on the cheesiest television channel ever. Lifetime? Really?! I loves me some Lifetime, don't get me wrong. How else will I ever see reruns of The Golden Girls and Will & Grace and afterschool specials about teen drinking starring Tori Spelling? But playing a biography of an untouchable fashion icon such as Coco on Lifetime is mutinous. I don't know how, but it's a good word, so let's roll it. I get the whole "positive, strong women" thing Lifetime promotes and naturally the life of Coco fits into that category, but come ON. All we need next to form the perfect trifecta of blasphemy is to have Joan Rivers hock knockoff Chanel goldtone jewelry on QVC.

Chanel in all her fabulous glory, in her PRE-rolling-over-in-grave days:





Gettin' jiggy with Salvador Dali



Somehow it doesn't work. Prove me wrong, Shirley!:




For a delish glimpse at a vintage Chanel piece, go check out what is probably *thee* best vintage clothing site out there in interwebs land called The Frock.

Click the pic to take you to TheFROCK's Chanel listing:



To see the Coco Chanel story, you can catch it on Lifetime this Saturday the 13th at 8pm eastern. Oy. and Vey. Or maybe the movie will not blow chunks after all? To be continued!

Life In A Northern Town

Our little witch is all growns up. If you're not a super mega nerd like me, then you have no idea that I am referring to Emma Watson, the girlie who plays a witch named Hermione (how sad for he) in the Harry Potter movies. Which I ADORE. Don't judge me and my dorkitude, muggles! (On a side note of probable non-interest: I almost wrote "Pooter" instead of Potter, which is now extremely funny in a Beavis kind of way. Say it. You'll love.)

Leave it to Vogue Italia magazine (September issue, fyi) to create a photo spread that makes you want to jump in it and live there. So purdy and lovely, non? The moody lighting, the muted colors, the fabrics. It's all so very Euro and I am a huge anglophile at heart. You can keep the kidney pie, thanks anyway. However, I must say that Miss Watson, being of 18 or so, still looks like a 10 year old playing dress-up somehow. But I bet she's going to be one of those people that ages beautifully. Bitch.

Behold! And shazam!









You know, MY walls are cracked and half-painted and I have piles of clothes and dress forms and mannequin parts everywhere. So how come my house looks more like the basement in Silence of the Lambs than a luxe Tudor manor?

Birdhouse In Your Soul

And now for something totally random! Have you ever gotten up on the right side of the bed early in the morning and the day is already starting out to be perfect and sunny and wonderful? Me neither. But I got up for once feeling all Snow White-y and nature-y and crap, enjoying the last fleeting moments of summer. Fall is headed this way, here on the upper east coast (east siiide represent!), and you know you're in for an especially long winter when leaves are changing color and falling off the trees ALREADY. What the HELL, Mother Nature?! I already have a stocked arsenal of Claritin for the special occasion of moldy leaves, yay!

So I'm rocking my artsy fartsy side today with nature shots. Nature shots, me! Don't worry, I'm not embracing the light and turning like, good. Usually me + nature= bad news bears, but today I'm loving the bits-o-color left in my yard.

Creepy cool.



Training the ivy to grow crazy-like, as if I live in some kind of charming English cottage or something.



Aww, a bumblebee on a sunflower. How freaking sweet. It's sweet, dammit!



Nothing special here, just digging the color.



A birdhouse waaay up in a tree in the front yard, which I never even knew existed. The birdhouse I mean, not the tree. I'd have to be especially stupid to not see a giant tree in the front yard. But notice the half-assed nest on top of the birdhouse? Lazy birds. Housing fail.