Saturday, October 18, 2008

Poison Ivy

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

(Why is Prue going to a pub alone anyway? Did England make the legal drinking age 4? That would open up a whole lot of options for child care.)


P is also for Pirates.

I was just saying to a Fellow Nerd friend of mine the other day that isn't it about time there was a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie coming out soon? What gives? Millions of desperate housewives and lonely hearts and well, most females in general need their Johnny Depp fix and I say it's high time we give it to them. By "them" I mean "me". He's the only white guy who can pull off dreds and beads without looking like a college campus, hackey sack-playing, I-smoke-pot-because-it's-way-existential hippie douchebag. Plus, he's way hot, so there's that.


I know the pirate theme for Halloween is sort of tired and overdone, but only if you wear the plastic all-in-one kind for $14.99 from Kmart or dress like a generic super slutty pirate wench. But there are some pretty rad handmade pirate costumes out there, some involving vintage, some are retardedly high in price but then some are a great price AND not generically slutty. Like this pirate getup from Andapanda! She handmade this baby using a vintage crinoline skirt and a boned corset, plus the odd lime green and brown colorway is a great combo in my book. And my book is always right.

*Poison Ivy by The coasters.

Friday, October 17, 2008

One Step Beyond

O is for Olive run through with an awl.


O is also for Oktoberfest.

Being from cold and grumpy German stock (shocking, that), one would think I should be all about Oktoberfest, but I sadly don't know much about it. I could google some info, but I have Very Important Things To Do. This Miller High Life isn't going to drink itself, you know. But what I do know is that the festivities include huge, gluttonous, Henry VIII-style feasts-o-food and beer you drink in steins. Which is much better than out of a paper bag in the alley. Naturally, anything involving mass amounts of meat, sauerkraut and lager means I am all in. I'm getting my "eating pants" on as we speak.

But no one embodies the German spirit more than...Salma Hayek. (?!)


I hate that you can stuff a muy caliente, hooterrific senorita like Miss Salma into a damn German dirndl and somehow it works. That bitch. She's so cute it makes my eyes bleed. She's so cute she makes baby jebus weep.

Here she is with big gay Karl Lagerfeld. At least, I thought he was, but seeing this picture of him sizing up her cans makes me question his intent. Maybe that's the super secret to being a straight male designer, just pretend to be super fabulous and super gay, this way you can ogle hot naked chicks and they WON'T think you're a creepy old dude. Just a fabulously gay old dude.


*"One Step Beyond" by Madness

Night of the Werewolf

N is for Neville who died of ennui.


N is also for Nightmare Before Christmas.

I will admit I'm a total Nightmare Before Christmas dork- the movie, for me, ranks right up there with Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Loser-y? Perhaps. But nerds are the ones who keep this country functioning- in medicine, computers, technology, science. So suck on THAT cool kids. Nerds of the world unite!


I saw TNBC when it first came in '93. I was in 11th grade and my friends and I ditched school to go to the mall to see it. The usual rabble you'd expect to ditch class were there- the goths, the punks, the skateboarders. All the usual suspects of non-conformity who were pissed-off-at-the-world-because-no-one-understands-me-that's-why-I-dye-my-hair-blue-and-draw-skull and crossbones-on-my-trapper-keeper were there, smoking and smuggling in beer cleverly disguised in Aqua Net bottles. Remember the days when you could annoy and slowly kill your fellow mall patron with secondhand smoke? Those were the days.

After the movie I distinctly remember going to Burger King because they were giving away Nightmare Before Christmas watches in the happy meals and we had to have them. I still have mine. I held onto it because deep down, I know it would be worth millions one day on ebay, right up there with Dale Earnhardt Jr. coffee mugs and Precious Moments figurines. I'm no fool. My watch needs a new battery, but I'm too busy to replace it, doing Very Important Things. The Miller High Life doesn't buy itself, you know.

Witness the wonder of the plastic watch:


Good news for my fellow geeks, The Nightmare Before Christmas will be playing in 3-D starting on October 19th for 3 weeks. Sa-WEET. If you click the NBC link at the top ^^ up there ^^, it'll take you the movie site, so's you can find out of it's playing near you. Sadly, it's not playing in my podunk town. Those movie jerks. So I might have to head to your podunk town. Call me. We'll have popcorn and Cherry Slushees, no big whoop.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Monster Mash

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.


M is also for Mighty Men and Monster Maker.

I have to say that even with all my nerdy love for pop culture, I don't really remember the Mighty Men and Monster Maker toy, and it was even from my era of growing up in the 70's and 80's. It was a boy toy (and not like in the "big belt buckle, mesh tank tops and rubber bracelets" Madonna way), so maybe that's why my rememberence is void. In reality it's pretty cool, with plastic mix-and-match plates that have men and monsters printed on them (well, duh) and you put paper over your creation and voila! An outline of a man/beast creation you can color.


We girlies had the chick equivalent of the MM and MM called Fashion Plates, which was the same concept, only with mix-and-match plates of Barbie-looking skanks in total 80's fashion glory and feathered hair. It. Was. AWESOME.

So The Ball and Chain has been talking (whining, really) about it for the past couple of years, but what I hear when he's rambling is the Charlie Brown teacher voice: "Wah wah wah, wahwah wah waah" and I throw in an "uh huh..." every once in a while to feign actual listening. Which is probably the same thing he does when I'm rambling about the thrilling sale on toilet paper at Walgreen's. So a couple months ago he started back up with the "All I want for my birthday this year is the Mighty Men and Monster Maker and nothing else will make me happy and nothing ever will until I get it" speech. I KNOW ALREADY. GOSH. So good news for him, I found the damn set in a antique mall for $30 and his life's dream was fulfilled. Until he remembers another toy from his youth and I have to search the bowels of hell to find it. Proof #4 jillion that even at 35 men never grow the hell up.

Behold! Terror beyond comprehension.



That being said, I would give my left ovary to have a Fashion Plate set again. Maybe I should start bitching about it for the next 3 years, forcing my husband to search the bowels of hell to find it and then my life's dream will be fulfilled...


...Only I would mix up the pieces from the Mighty Men and Monster Maker set with the pieces from the Fashion Plates set to make the coolest yet most disturbing creation of all time. I'd call it Monster Men Fashion Plates.

*Monster Mash byBobby "Boris" Pickett

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Little Red Riding Hood

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.


L is also for lantern.

As in the old-timey way and not the involving of a squash way. The "Extra! Extra! Jack the Ripper takes his 5th lady of the night in ye olde Whitechapel square! Local townsfolk are arse over elbow over rising price of leg o' mutton! Guv'nor Mulligan says black death is just an internet hoax!" way. That makes it all clear now, I'm certain. I know you're thinking "What the balls, KIM? You just did "lantern" of the Jacko kind a couple days ago. Have you gone MAD, woman?!" To which I would respond: "Why, yes. Yes I have". But there is indeed somewhat of a point, of which I take the longest road possible to get to, so simmer down, people.

The reason I'm thinking "lanterns" is because they remind me A): of being a kid when my nutjob hippie parents had a bunch of kerosene wick lanterns around the house for "just in case" and also they were excellent props at Halloween time and B) getting old sucks and autumn always makes me want to go back in time. But not to high school, nuts to THAT. (By the by, my 32nd- I mean 29th!- birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. Just putting it out there. Lottery tickets, beer and cheetos are the perfect gift, thanks so much, you shouldn't have). And anything that reminds you of being young and trick-or-treating again is a good thing, no?

Going back in time= no mod cons, which is mostly a good thing, I think. I'm probably in the 1% of people who thinks technology is a product of the debil and I skate by in life on the very basic of technology. Anyone over the age of 30 surely can remember the days long ago, also called the early 90's, when the majority didn't carry cell phones nor did we have laptops, let alone a regular ol' home computer- and we were fine. My cell is about 4 years old and doesn't have any schmancy gadgets, no picture-taking, no email, no interwebs, no GPS system. And it's fine. Though I wouldn't mind if it had, like, a turkey deep-fryer attachment. Even my computer is old, I haven't had any upgrades besides connection speed, I have no copier, no scanner, no faxer. And you know what? It's fine. My cordless home phone I distinctly remember buying from Kmart for $15 10 years ago. With a separate answering machine, no built-in voice mail. And it's fine. Although, a few of the buttons on it don't work anymore so anyone with a "3" in their phone number, you won't be hearing from me anytime soon. My motto is if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Make do with what you have, wear it out and fix it again. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure most of us can get by without a cell phone that automatically orders a pizza.

The point it, who gives a flying rat's ass about keeping up with the Joneses? They're probably more dysfunctional than you are. So they have next year's model of Cadillac Escapade and have a $5000 grill that can roast a pig in 2 minutes. So WHAT? Sally Jones is flying high on so much Valium she could put American Airlines out of business and Bob Jones has VD from banging hookers on his business trips. Why would you want to compete with that?

Reminding you of days past, when life was easier and cheaper. I can't stop myself from getting all southern belle/Scarlett O'Hara-y and have fainting spells when I see this circle skirt from The Vintage Peddler. It has old timey street lamps that LIGHT UP.


* "Little Red Riding Hood" by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs

Monday, October 13, 2008

Killing Moon

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.


K is also for KISS.

Paying tribute to more OG's of shock rock and manly makeup. Just like Alice Cooper, KISS proves once again that as long as you're in a band and can hold a guitar, you can be ugly as BALLS and still score many, many, many skanks. But that was the 70's when it was all about sex, drugs and rock 'n roll- but cool. Not like today's privileged rock stars who get handed their own crappy clothing line as soon as they perform their hit song on American Bandstand, or whereverthehell.

Unfortunately for Gene Simmons, he didn't have the good luck to be blessed with the Frank Sinatra Syndrome. You never heard of the FSS?! Fools! Only the heppest of the hep know that is. Also, I just made it up. Frank Sinatra looked better the older he got (much like hunka hunka burnin' love Clooney). But Gene really does look more and more like balls the older he gets. But one thing you have to admit, he is a marketing, commercialism and consumerism GOD.

During a trip to North Carolina, I got to bear witness to my first ever KISS coffee shop. I felt excited, then bummed, then stabby, then indifferent, in that order.


But then I saw the giant 20 foot silver platform boot and everything changed! I felt excited, then bummed, then stabby, then indifferent, in that order.


Some say sell-out, but I say if you can keep your legacy profitable and continually reach new generations with your bobble heads and gumball machines after 35 years, then right ON. Can I get a "praaaise jebus?!"


*Killing Moon by Echo & the Bunnymen

Jack The Ripper

J is for James who took lye by mistake.


And J is for Jack O-Lantern. Jack O'Lantern? Jacko Lantern? WhatEVER.


Did you know the history of the jack-o'lantern? I did not. Or at least, maybe I did learn it in school or something, but apparently my brain did not compute and decided it was info that was slowing down my memory and had to be sent to the recycle bin. YEAH, I'M A DORK, SO SUE ME.

Not any of this info sounds remotely familiar, but more than one website claims the same folklore-y roots of the jack-o-lantern, so there you go. And if the internets says it's so then by GOD, it's SO.

According to Pumpkin Nook:

The Irish brought the tradition of the Jack O'Lantern to America. But, the original Jack O'Lantern was not a pumpkin.The Jack O'Lantern legend goes back hundreds of years in Irish History. As the story goes, Stingy Jack was a miserable, old drunk who liked to play tricks on everyone: family, friends, his mother and even the Devil himself. One day, he tricked the Devil into climbing up an apple tree. Once the Devil climbed up the apple tree, Stingy Jack hurriedly placed crosses around the trunk of the tree. The Devil was then unable to get down the tree. Stingy Jack made the Devil promise him not to take his soul when he died. Once the devil promised not to take his soul, Stingy Jack removed the crosses and let the Devil down.

Many years later, when Jack finally died, he went to the pearly gates of Heaven and was told by Saint Peter that he was too mean and too cruel and had led a miserable and worthless life on earth. He was not allowed to enter heaven. He then went down to Hell and the Devil. The Devil kept his promise and would not allow him to enter Hell. Now Jack was scared and had nowhere to go but to wander about forever in the darkness between heaven and hell. He asked the Devil how he could leave as there was no light. The Devil tossed him an ember from the flames of Hell to help him light his way. Jack placed the ember in a hollowed out Turnip, one of his favorite foods which he always carried around with him whenever he could steal one. For that day onward, Stingy Jack roamed the earth without a resting place, lighting his way as he went with his "Jack O'Lantern".

On all Hallow's eve, the Irish hollowed out Turnips, rutabagas, gourds, potatoes and beets. They placed a light in them to ward off evil spirits and keep Stingy Jack away. These were the original Jack O'Lanterns. In the 1800's a couple of waves of Irish immigrants came to America. The Irish immigrants quickly discovered that Pumpkins were bigger and easier to carve out. So they used pumpkins for Jack O'Lanterns.




*Jack the Ripper by Link Wray