Saturday, August 2, 2008

Love Hurts

Not since the brilliance of "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" has a chick-related bitchfest been made of such awesome.

Apparently this is a for reals letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter. It's brilliant and hilarious and WHY didn't I write it?!

WARNING: If you a guy who happens to be a pansy, you might want to skip this, because it's all about....wait for it...try not to barf...PERIODS.

Read, my bitches. It's very long, but if you can't relate then you're a freak:

"Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.
I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust, and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX"

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Don't Be Cruel

May I bitch for a moment? (Like I stop). This has been making me stabby since last week and I think my family can only roll their eyes for so long hearing my complaing, therefor I'm unleashing the anger upon the world. You're welcome.

Last week I woke up to see first thing in the morning that my hanging flower baskets were MISSING. Gone. Kaput. Which would mean that someone with balls of steel crept up onto my porch in the middle of the night with the PORCH LIGHT ON (100 watts, bitches!) and stole 2 heavy baskets of flowers. (!!!). Really?! Who DOES that?! Well that's just mean. I don't live on the wrong side of the tracks or anything... but it certainly ain't the right side of the tracks either. I'm sort of in the middle of the tracks. I'm the Switzerland of the tracks, tempting my neighbors with my delicious cheese products and hot chocolates and fancy watches. And hanging flower baskets. (Really?!) It was probably Those Damn Teenagers at it again, hopped up on their Tab and Wham records and Garbage Pail Kids trading cards.

Funny thing though, the asshats did me a favor, because the flowers were half dead. I suppose forgetting to water them over a weekend of 95 degree heat will do that, go figure. So the JOKE'S ON YOU, loser flower stealers. But of all things to steal, you're gonna go for crunchy brown flowers?! (Really?!) Winners. Hope your mom's happy with the WORST PRESENT EVER you gave her.

I'm gonna be nerdy here for a second (like I stop) and admit I'm a total gardening junkie (hard to wrap your brain around that, isn't it? Me, all Martha Stewart-y on your ass). I have a veggie garden and pots of herbs- not the gonj kind of herb, you dorks, but the basil and oregano kind. Would that not have been much more lovely a gift to steal for your mom? But I guess dead flowers works too. (Really?!) Or how about this: DON'T STEAL AT ALL. Unless it's my neighbors stuff, then have at it.

Since I have no porch flowers to look at anymore, these floral prints will just HAVE to do I guess. These last longer anyway, right? Whatever. I'm still grumpy about the whole Incident of Porch Theft. (Positivity IS my strong suit, don'tcha know!).

From me at Fast Eddie's Retro Rags:

50's SWIRL flower print wrap dress with crazy huge pink heart pockets

Just kill me with cuteness already. I'm crazy over this mother-son 60's Hawaiian set from Denisebrain:

So sweet and purdy, 50's black & white floral flocked party dress from Couture Allure: