Saturday, November 22, 2008

Cherry Pie

Oh the horror! The humanity! The blasphemy! Why, you sick little freak baby Jebus, WHY? If this is an intwebz hoax, then someone's going down, and not in the good way: Pushing Daisies has been CANCELLED, my pretty bitches. Say WHA?! How can those Hollywood fat cat big cheese bastardos cancel PD, yet leave us with such televisional abortions like 90210 and The Starter Wife?! Pushing Daisies was great. It combined all my favorite things: morbid and slightly wrong plots, a fantastically retro 50's and 60's inspired set and wardrobe, sick irony (the lovers who can never smooch, it's so evil and I like it) and pie. Next to Mad Men, Pushing Daisies was the next best thing to getting yer vintage freak on. Maria, take a letter:

"Dear Hollywood assjacks,
YOU SUCK. And also, I hate you.

Yours truly,

PS. Watch yo' backs, buttwads"

So one more of my homies got gunned down before it's time. Is there a liquor store open yet? Colt 45 must be bought.

Enjoy some lovely PD eye candy. ENJOY IT, I said.







Friday, November 21, 2008

A Boy Named Sue

You know, I was all ready to write a Very Important and Meaningful Blog today, when I read the front page of MSN and news flash! The Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz combo of doom had their stupid baby. Big freaking whoop. I just sighed a little, knowing the world just got a little bit stupider, when I caught a glimpse of what they named him. BRONX MOWGLI. "Bronx" ss in, dirty stinking New York and "Mowgli" as in the soft shoe-ing Disney bear from the Jungle Book. WOW. Worst. Name. EVER. They said they weren't going to name it something stupid, for fear of having their rugrat's ass getting kicked on the playground. But the kid's name is not the reason why he'll get atomic wedgies for the rest of his life. It's because his parents are RETARDED. Maybe that's why they thought they were giving him a tough name. I can make up 407 tougher names off the top of my head than that. Baghdad "Mortar Attack" Simpson. Compton "Snoop Dogg" Wentz. See? It's not that hard. But you know what else? Big Gay Pete said no more eyeliner for him anymore, because he doesn't want to be known as "the guy who wears eyeliner". That's just swell. Too bad you can't get rid of "douchebag" with eye maker remover.

So congratulations...I guess...or whatever.


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Guess what? In case you haven't gone outside in a while because you're a crazy cat lady shut-in or an agoraphobic albino, the northeast and south and midwest and pretty much everywhere in the U.S. is freezing it's cojones off. Everywhere except California, which apparently is always on fire.

So today is show and tell, kids. I haven't properly plugged myself in a while...wait a second...that didn't come out right. Doesn't really sound aesthetically pleasing, now does it? Gross. (You can call me Miss Jackson, if you're nasty).

Keep your cojones from turning into iceballs and stay toasty in vintage sweaters, now listed at Fast Eddie's Retro Rags:

Vintage 50's/60's 3-D Embroidered Strawberries Angora Cardigan Sweater:

Vintage 50's Rhinestone Butterfly Applique Cashmere Cardigan Sweater:

Vintage 50's Angora Stripes Aqua Wool Cardigan Sweater:

Vintage 50's Beaded & Sequined Black Beauty Cardigan Sweater NOS with Tags:

Vintage 50's/60's Beaded & Sequined Fireworks Cardigan Sweater:

Vintage 50's Rose Buds & Rhinestones Cardigan Sweater:

Vintage 60's Heavily Embroidered Bright Pink Flowers Cardigan Sweater, NOS with Tags:

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hey, Big Spender

There's the most boring train wreck of a book out, called "Hollywood Pinups" ($39.95, y'all) by Timothy White. Here's a twist: it's a book with pictures of Hollywood celebs posing all old-timey and retro-y. I bet you never woulda guessed that. Yeah well, that idea is actually smashing and I was so psyched when I first heard about this book coming out, that Hollywood was finally going back to it's roots, as it were. Timothy White was inspired by the the artwork of Vargas' pinups and the whole rockabilly/40's-50's/old Hollywood glamour thang. Like that hasn't been done before. Can you say "Dita"? Or "Bernie Dexter"? Or any of of the other generic 4 kajillion wanna-be's out there who are also "inspired" by the 40's and 50's? *Yawn*. How underwhelming.

The inspiration. How novel:


Turns out, it's less spank-worthy and more snooze-inducing. While I do appreciate the effort (it's not ALL tragic), and 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty, or whatever. But it's like I always never say: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". And this book could have rocked our faces off. There are Olsen Twins involved, people. Freaking OLSEN TWINS!! They're about as sexy as a half-naked Bea Arthur.

Maybe I'm just in a super crabby mood today. Am I being too critical? Too harsh, for no good reason? You tell me. Behold the "meh"-ness of it all:

Tea Leoni (with hair that I would kill for, if I was ballsier), doing an apparent Marilyn-esque deal:


You will never guess who this is. This pic doesn't do justice to the chick in question...I'll give you a minute to ponder...Or stare at her butt crack, whatever, pervs...


...Give up? Here's a hint: she usually looks like a carbon copy of her mom. And likes dirty hippies. Still don't know? It's Kate Hudson. (!) Seriously.

Ok, Susan Sarandon looks pretty fantastic for a 60-something. You go, girl. Of course, I'd look like a Grade A side of beef too, if I had a hairstylist. And makeup person. And wardrober. And photoshopper. But still, I'd look great too.


And last but not least, my little dumplings, is probably the worst Bettie Page impression ever to have burned my retinas: