Saturday, June 27, 2009

Insane In The Membrane


Seriously, stop it. It's grossing me out, man. I'm not entirely sure which, uhh, membrane they're referring to: a chick's southern country or of the sphincter variety. But I do know that I lurve vintage ads like these. They crack me the funk up because of their passive-aggressive and extremely roundabout ways of talking about personal hygiene without really coming right out and saying anything at all. Though I have to give them props for actually using the words "itching" and "vaginal" in the 50's. Bold move Lanacane, you crazy kids. Still, when I read it, this is what I pretty much take away from it: "Damn, girl! Did something crawl up and die in your nasty bits? Your skanky lower 40 needs a good hose-down. Here's a tube of Lanacane and a Brillo pad. Please scrub yourself immediately, like you would normally after any first date, before you set off the smoke detector. I mean, damn."

"Insane In The Membrane" by Cypress Hill.

Friday, June 26, 2009

My (Aqua) Blue Heaven Friday

It's been a weird few days, hasn't it? A few days ago, my perfectly working and perfectly kickass vintage 50's Toastmaster toaster went up in flames. Literally. And I mean "literally", not like "Oh my gawd, when I heard that Kirk Cameron was getting married, my head literally exploded and I literally died." Heartbreaker of a sitch: I bought that toaster new old stock, so I took great pleasure in knowing that I was the only person to have used it and there wasn't 50 years worth of old bread funk all up in there. Long story short: if you're gonna stick a taco shell in the toaster, make sure you watch it and not get all distracted by an old Weird Al song on youtube you haven't thought about in years. Not that I'd ever do a flaky and bonehead move like that. As if! Ok, I totally did. The 50's toaster, she is dead. Moment of silence while I play "Taps". Sigh. My heart literally just broke.

And in much more serious news, I know you've all heard about the passing of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. While I wouldn't say my heart literally broke over the news, I do remember MJ much more fondly than Farrah- I mean, I was a kid of the 80's, so of course his music made an impression. Silver gloves, Pepsi, moonwalking, hair on fire, I remember it all. My brother and I both had those ridonkulously fug Michael Jackson red zipper pleather jackets and concert tees. I still have them and will probably never sell them! Unfortunately, all the dirtbags and sleazoids will come out of the woodwork now to make a profit off their deaths, selling anything MJ or FF-themed they can get their hands on, and I wouldn't even doubt it if we started seeing much more grim and personal things out there for sale: "Michael's last used tissue!" I'm all for capitalism, but come on.

So today's special Aqua Blue Friday is gonna be a little different than usual, though there is aqua involved, so get off my jock people. Try to do something nice, gosh. Today is in memory of Farrah and Michael, to both I will say a hearty "salut!" to when I have a cocktail or 2 later. Which should be any minute now.


Vintage December 1978 Playboy with Farrah Fawcett.


Vintage 1977, iconic FF poster in original packaging.


Vintage 1984 Michael Jackson Colorforms never used and in their original packaging. Is it too soon or disrespectful to make a joke of a pervy nature? Well I don't care, I'm sayin' it anyway: it says "Rub N' Play". Rub 'n play, people! That's comedy gold right there.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Way-Out Wednesday: Freebird


Today's Way-Out Wednesday is all about the owl. The stinking freaking owl. I'm seeing them everywhere, which is funny because I thought the whole owl trend was SO last year, so either the area I live in is much more behind the times than I figured (and I live in a college town, go figure) or those stinking freaking hipsters can't think of any other retro thing to to ironically make less cool so they stick with what they know. Or maybe the college hipsters around here are not very good at it. Whatever the reason, I can't really say I'm a fan. Not that I have anything against owls, they serve their purpose and all, what with teaching us about pollution (stupid hippie owls) and the proper way to eat a Tootsie Pop. And where would we be without the invention of the LOL cat (LOL owl?) picture that every hypernerd uses as his avatar that says "O RLY?"

(There ya go. This is what I mean, for you people with a life who don't spend 20 hours a day on the computer.)

So today we're rocking the owls one last time, a symbolic heave-ho, like a Viking funeral. You know, but...not. And anyway, these beauties I found aren't just any owls, not hipster owls (like those big honking necklaces and baby tees they buy at Claire's or Hot Topic or whatever stupid store they shop in to buy that crap). These owls are the real fugly/awesome deal, bona fide vintage 70's. And all wall hangings, so you can decorate your house extra pretty-like. Sigh. You're welcome, I'm sure.


I'm pretty sure this wooden owl family hate you.


MAN, I don't know what you did to piss off the owl community, but this angry couple hates you too.


Well that's better. These guys are a happy bunch, aren't they? And while I do luurve this color, lime green, fitting? for owls. Actually, I think this green couple ate some bad field mice. I feel sorry for the guy who parked his car under these guys.

The first rule of Flight Club is: you do not talk about Flight Club. Second rule: never, under any circumstances, participate in Flight Club activities after dropping acid.


These two owl babysitters, all alone on the 40 acre farm, were in an utter state of panic and shock when they discovered the call was coming from inside the barn.

"So then after dinner, he says he "forgot" the concert tickets up in his apartment and we just need to run up there for a minute to grab them. So we go up to his apartment and...shh, hold on a second Francine...umm, excuse me? Can I help you with something or are you just gonna pretend you're not listening in on our conversation?...I swear Francine, humans are the rudest. Anyway, like I was saying, we're up in his apartment and..."

"Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Atomic Tuesday


Welcome to the first Atomic Tuesday! In keeping with the other themed days around this joint, every Tuesday will now be Atomic Tuesday (play 50's B-movie horror flick creepy organ music here), where I'll post a vintage find with an atomic print, pattern or something vaguely related to something atomic. (I mean really, people, "Atomic Tuesday" pretty much explains it all, doesn't it?)

If you're a seller who has something for sale that fits with any of the theme days (Atomic Tuesdays, Way-Out Wednesdays or My Aqua Blue Heaven Fridays) and you'd like a little free advertising, by all means please let me know and I'll see if I can pimp you out. I takes care of my bitches, yo.

Onward to Atomic Tuesday! Today it's more vintage 50's glasses. I lurve glasses so very much, it's a sickness, sort of. I hope you dig this new theme and remember, tomorrow is Way-Out Wedneday! Theme hint for Wednesday: Can you handle these hooters?


Set of 2 Vintage 50's Sparkly Atomic Starburst Glasses.


One little ol' Vintage 50's Geometric Atomic Starburst Shot Glass.

Monday, June 22, 2009

And The Winner Is...

...of the Vintage Giveaway tiki madness contest is...

Radiation Cinema!

Yay! Sweet! Huzzah! Whoomp there it is to you, my good sir! Just send me your name and mailing address info either in a comment (which I won't make public, you know, for privacy and crap) or drop me an email and I'll get the tiki cocktail set out to you in a jif! Or when I remember to. Whenever.

Thank you so much to everyone who comments, follows, takes part in, plays along with and/or shows a lukewarm to mild interest in the giveaways here! Stay tuned in a few weeks for whateverthehell July's Vintage Giveaway will bring.

Notes of Interest: Tomorrow I'll be starting a brand new weekly theme! You know I lurves me some themes and since you peeps seem to dig the weekly nonsense that goes on here so far, it only made sense to make things harder on myself. (I said "make things harder on myself". Uh huh huh.) So I'll see you tuesday for the Grand Unveiling (yeah right, it's really not so dramatic) of the new theme. You'll love it! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll say it's better than Cats.

This is your Captain speaking...

Just a reminder, folks, about June's summer tiki-themed giveaway. The winner will be announced later this evening, so there's still time to sign up- just go to the link below. While you're signing up, please enjoy the musical stylings of Charo on the Lido Deck, where William Shatner will be passing out leis and teaching the hula. Also, the staff here would like to advise against eating the clams today, as we've been informed they may or may not have something to do with the recent outbreak of the Clam Flu. That is all.

Give me free tiki or give me death!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day!

Just wanted to wish all you Dads out there a wonderful day! I hope your ungrateful kids get you that light-up tie, novelty "#1 Dad" coffee cup and can of tennis balls that you always never wanted.

Now please go grill something already.