Friday, August 29, 2008

Life In The Fast Lane

Have I been obsessing much lately about celebrities? How lame am I?! Well I promise this will not turn into a blog gossiping about famous people doing famous people things and who's knocked up and who's smoking the weeds and who looks like a tranny crack ho. Actually, I can't promise the tranny crack ho thing, but the other stuff I swear to sweet baby jebus I'll get a real life and not talk about it so much anymore. It's just that I'm bored with summer and really HAVE no life and doing actual work means doing actual work.

So I bring you more useless celebrity pictures, because you're currently sitting at your computer scarfing down Ring-Dings, playing Diamond Mine, wondering what movie you should rent this weekend and if it's gonna be General Tso's Chicken or the dollar quesadillas at Taco bell. Admit it, bitches.

I'm not sure why these peeps got slammed for these following outfits, because I think they're kind of made of awesome? Maybe I'm getting old and have no sense of style anymore. Maybe it's time to invest in some Easy Spirits. Or maybe everyone else is wrong and I'm always right. I think I'll roll with that answer.

Claire Danes in a vintage-inspired little number. I could do without the tulle flounce jutting out at the sides ready for takeoff, but still cute, no?


As much as I think JLo is not as muy caliente as miss fancybritches thinks she is, this sweater dress is so very "Mad Men Super Secretary Sluts". In a good way. What you can't see is the wicked bad pit sweat rings, which proves that JLo is not indeed a Latina fembot hose beast after all:


Rumer Willis is kind of a not-very-celebrity celebrity, she does look like a non deserving Jessica Rabbit and I loves me this satin gown. But not the dangerously close to falling off the cliff boob rolls, though:


The girl got shredded for hearkening to her country bumpkin days, but that's the whole reason it's great. DUH.:


And you know who SHOULD have had a new cornhole ripped for them? These idiots:

Ok so I don't hate Gwyneth, and she's rocked some impressively bad-yet-somehow-good wardrobe choices, so she gets my props. What I do NOT prop, however, is her fanatical super vegan, yoga will save your soul, hemp clothing for all! lifestyle, but I guess not everyone is cut out for a diet of Marlboros and Diet Coke:


What the hell? Is she wearing a Depends under there? And I thought *I* was getting old.

Last but not least, the king of douchbaggery. I cannot even say his name out loud or he will rise from the ashes with even more power than ever and smite us all.


DUDE. No one should wear this unless you're a wealthy 1920's southern land owner. Or this guy:


Happy Birthday (Mr. President)

(Super secret note to Eric who's another year older~ happy belated birthday! It's all good, life can be swell, see?)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Shiny, Happy People

I recently heard that a certain person I know (it's not me) who is under the age of 18 and related to me (seriously, it's not me) goes to therapy and is already on some kind of antidepressant. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND IT'S NOT ME, DAMMIT! I may be 99% pessimist and 1% full of stab...and I pretty much don't like people... but if you ask me, that's called well-balanced. But this particular teenager on antidepressants is just farked up. Please kill me now if that came off sounding Dyanetics batshit crazy, Tom Cruise-style. Because I am all for meds. Hell, I don't give a rat's ass if you're down with "street meds", whatever gets you through the night, man. My drug of choice is Midol, so see? I AM badass. While I understand that some folks are born with wonky brains and some come from bad news homes and I thoroughly understand that some people plain old need to be on meds, well it's all good in my hood, but this particular teen has a cushy life, doesn't even drive and has never worked a job a day in her life so tell me dear readers, how hard can life be? Waaa! Life is too hard, I don't work or earn anything I have and get driven everywhere! Sad am I! No one understands! What the girl needs is a good kick in the pants and a bitchslap from life in the real world. Am I wrong for not being empathetic toward's today's youth? Well if you modern parents didn't SUCK SO HARD maybe today's youth wouldn't be so useless, how about THAT? Have I mentioned I have raging PMS? I probably should have warned you. Sorry.

It's no wonder kids are getting bummed at life earlier and earlier. We went to a very local yocal carnival type fair dealie, which is always cheap fun and if there's one thing I loves is cheap crap. So this fair dealie had the typical scammy overpriced games that are impossible to win, but they did have those games that require zero skill that even hand-eye-coordination-impaired dorks like us could master that advertise "Every Kid Wins A Prize!" Joy! We love free prizes! Yeeeah, about that. Turns out the free crap is precisely that. Crap. Cheap, plastic necklace beads? Really? Show-Me-Your-Boobs,Sluts-Mardi-Gras beads? Really? Boys love winning...beads. Freaking geniuses. But that is neither here nor there. Nothing says "happy children" than winning this:


Yay! It's the unhappy smiley face toy! While I appreciate the effort, couldn't it perhaps look like it's, oh, I don't know, HAPPY, and not so much like it's got lockjaw from all the fake smiling and suffering through a day of forced-fun at the in-laws? Thanks, China! I knew we could count on you for providing hours of fun through mass-produced, sweat-shopped, not-fun toys!

As someone who beat me to the punch already said "Life means suffering. To live means to suffer, because the human nature is not perfect and neither is the world we live in...This means we are never able to keep permanently what we strive for, and just as happy moments pass by, we ourselves and our loved ones will pass away one day, too." Now THAT'S what I'm talking about, Willis.

While it's not in my nature forcing people to "Have a Nice Day", there is something about this vintage fabric that makes me want to fashion the most ridiculous Clampett-esque dress and for a few moments not have such a grim disposition for at least one whole day.

You can get this crazy cute fabric from Twig & Berries. Yep. Twig. And berries. Don't make me go there, perv....

....That's what SHE said. Damn!