Thursday, December 25, 2008

Mambo Santa Mambo


Have a rockin' day, my little mugs of spiced wassail! I'm off to break in my new Red Ryder bb gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. Eyes will probably be shot out.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

Merry Christmas eve, everyone! Or if you're Jewish, then Happy Hanukkah. If you're a new age-y granola type, then Happy Winter Solstice. If you're an atheist, then Happy nothing. I hope you all get what you deserve. (That sounds a bit ominous and foreboding, doesn't it?) Deck those halls, bring us some figgy pudding, please to put a penny in the old man's hat and don your gay apparel.

"Got no sleigh with reindeer, No sack on my back, You're gonna see me comin' in a big black Cadillac." A little Xmas cheer, blitzed-out, forgetful King-style:

One of the most real depictions of what Christmas is really like for most people. Starts out beautiful and hopeful but eventually turns dismal and wrong. Thank JEBUS for those crazy kids, The Pogues, for writing the best Xmas lyrics ever: "Happy Christmas you arse, I pray God its our last". How the hell can I look it but not be Irish?

Happy Holidays, to all of my little peppermint twists! Lumps of coal for everyone!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Run Rudolph Run

Hi, my name is Kim and it's been 21 minutes since I've re-gifted. Can we talk about re gifting, just for a sec? Is it always totally tacky or is it sometimes acceptable to do for someone you feel rather "meh" about and deep down inside you're only giving them a present because you sort of have to? I need to know if I'm tacky. DO TELL. Here's the scenario: I'm all done shopping for my ungrateful friends and family. I'm even done with all those random people you forget about until the last minute (teachers, in-laws, kids, whatever.) And then it dawned on me this morning that I forgot the mailman. And screw you political correctness, he's a man who delivers my mail. I'm not calling him my "mail carrier" or "postal worker". BALLS. TO. THAT.

So I re-gifted that mofo. I re-gifted him good. I heard him on my porch, delivering the mail, as that's what he does, DUH, so I opened up the door in a grand, sweeping, dramatic and actually kid of retarded sort of way that scared the bejesus outta him and handed him an envelope, while I nervously mumbled some stupid crap and went back inside. (Why was I nervous?) The guy looked so happy and thanked me and Merry Xmas-ed me and almost skipped back to his little truck and drove off. Oh CRAP. He's happy. Too happy. Probably thinks I put cash in there. I did not. What I did out in there is a $20 gift card to a local pizza joint that a friend of mine gave me, but it's been sitting here for a month and I never get to that part of town, so screw you Vinny D's Pizza, I will not eat in your fine Italian establishment. And now I know why I'm nervous~ because it's a garbage present, isn't it?! That was a totally lame gift I gave the dude! What if he's lactose-intolerant? What if his family has a century-long beef with the Vinny D family, due to the pasta sauce delivery incident of 1923? Why would I think that was a good gift? Just because I would enjoy a gift card to a food place doesn't mean the world would. I can't ever face him again. I guess I'm going to have to move to a new town, where they don't know me as a lame gift-giver. Again. My love of cheese has gotten me into another fine mess.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Mele Kalikimaka

In case you've ever wondered what kind of high-class, fancy pants sort of Xmas decorating I do, wonder no more, my little figgy puddings. This is what happens when you drink and deck the halls...

Photobucket get a garland of mini cocktail shakers and martini glasses. I had boring-ass white lights (not a fan) strung around the hallway arch and it needed some kind of tacky white-trashification...a few Mai Tais later and voila! A Martha Stweart Christmas is born. I have a couple dozen each of the martinis and shakers~ they're not vintage of course but schmacy all the same, from a few years ago when I had a "real" job, a retail management stint that sold kitschy crap like this at Xmas. I've been trying to figure out a way of making a necklace out of them, but so far it's a fail. Too heavy and clunky. And also, I'm pretty sure the white girl Mr. T-meets-Flavor Flav look is...not good, at the very least.


Notice the hand-crafted (AKA mass-produced in China) attention to detail in the olive-on-stick.


And the lid comes off the shaker! I love working, movable parts on mini things. The shaker would make a swell gift-giving receptacle, but considering it's all of 3" tall, what could one put in it? Poppy seeds? Tic Tacs? Valium? "Merry Christmas, Grandma! Look inside! It's half an ounce of dope! Good for you!"

(More trashy decorating to come, assuming the spiced rum holds out...)