Saturday, May 10, 2008

She Comes In Colors

In case you didn't know, today is Mother's Day. Lucky thing I was here to remind you but you can thank me later, after you're done at the Kwikee Mart scrounging up a lame last minute present to take to your Mom. I'm sure she'll love the King Size Slim Jim and can of Shasta.

I've never had old pictures of my Mom, at least nothing older than 70's. Recently my Dad surprised me with some ridiculously awesome pictures of her from the late 50's and early 60's, which I am over the moon about getting, as her youth was an enigma to me-but I did know she was someone I'd have been friends with. Because she passed away about 13 years ago when I was 18, I never had the chance to get the real lowdown on her life as a teen and 20-something, other than little snippets of stories she told me when I was a kid.

What I do know is that she was the quintessential Bad Girl Type. Hung around with guys in greasy motorcycle gangs and never dug the Everly Brothers in her youth, because "they were a couple of sissies"- she preferred her music and her men to be a little more rough and tumble. It's funny how certain things pass down to your children.



The woman was COOL. Not to mention a total babe. Then somehow once the 70's hit, she met my Dad and I came along, it was all over and the new chapter of her life, "The Hippie Years" began. I ruin everything. Though they were in a car club of sorts in the early 70's called The Van Klan, where my parents and their friends souped up vans in typical 70's fahion. Mushroom windows? Check. Shag carpeting? Check. Airburushed murals of wizards and unicorns? Check. She was still cool in her later years, just a different kind of cool. She was tough as nails and so strict with the rules, with curfews, with manners. I swore I'd never be that kind of parent when I grew up. Sure enough, I turned into my mother, just like she said I would one day, even though she never got to see it. But my strictness in parenting paid off and it shows in my own kid. And I've never been more proud to be just like my Mom.


Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Tide Is High

Once upon a time in a not at all magical land called Junior High School, we girls had the option of taking a beginners sewing class as a precursor to Home Ec. Because I was too cool for school, I voted a resounding AS IF! to the class, because only Supernerds would go to that class and I DON'T HANG WITH NERDS. Apparently my inner geek was a late bloomer because now I rue the day I didn't take that class and still have no sewing skillz and those Old School Supernerds from 1990 are having the last laugh. I bet they're still nerds though, just not cool nerds, so I say YOU FOOLS! to them. Don't get me wrong, I can sew a button tight and stitch a hole closed like it's nobody's business but damn if I wasn't a jerk for not ever learning to do anything more, like knitting or crocheting. <-- And that looks incredibly stupid, is it spelled correctly? Spellcheck says "yes!"

So imagine my amazement! shock! hot damn and hallelujah! when I found 2 of the same vintage 50's skirts with the best knitting novelty print ever. You heard me, KNITTING. What are the chances of THAT happening, like 47 million to 1? I bet there were only 2 of these skirts ever made of all time and I have them both! (OK, so I like to make up statistics that are totally irrelevant and unsound, for dramatic effect. Imagine if you would, the sound of thunder and creepy church organs playing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, to enhance the wonder of it all.)

Should you happen to be a knitter or a sewer, I think you would be highly amused at the goody-two-shoes-iness of the print. If they had kittens and baby jebuses on them, they'd be the Ultimate of Wholesome and would probably hold some kind of power, like curing bunions. But these do not have any powers that I'm aware of, just so you know. If blasphemy is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Need to show the world that you have a ball of yarn and aren't afraid to use it? Have no bunions that require a miracle? Click the pics to take you to the listings, available at Fast Eddie's Retro Rags. Amen, brother.



Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hot For Teacher

Did you know that it's teacher appreciation week? Chances are if you're a teacher or if you have kids in school you do. I know this because I am stuck in the middle of a vortex of teacher hell.

Lemme break it down so you can feel my pain: My mom was a teacher to blind kids, taught them how to read and type braille. Well THAT set a level of awesome which I will never achieve. The Ball and Chain is a high school history teacher with 2 degrees under his belt already and will be graduating with his masters next spring and rumor has it he may continue on for his doctorate. So I'm reminded that I'm a world class slacker and underachiever every day and what the hell is he doing with a loser like me, other than the fact that I rule. My mother in law is a 2nd grade teacher and I'm pretty sure she thinks I am the Devil Incarnate. Which I AM, but I didn't think my in-laws knew that I moonlighted as the Lord of the Underworld at night. Guess the jig is up. She isn't exactly winning any Mother In Law of the Year awards so she better get used to the idea of her grandson taking over my Empire of Evil or else she'll get a first-hand look at what a plague of locusts looks like. Plus she wears Teacher Sweaters--those wonderfully nauseating oversized theme sweaters that only teachers are lame enough to wear, with embroidered happy pumpkins on them for Halloween and ones with bells and light-up reindeer noses for Christmas. Supercool. My brother in law is a teacher to underprivileged kids in the ghetto of Harrisburg and is going to Princeton this fall on a full scholarship to major in...wait for it...Urban Studies. Little nerdy white guy teaching in the hood. Brother better recognize that Real Life is nothing like Higher Learning starring Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh well. A good shanking will do him some good. And finally my sister in law will be graduating this spring to become a kindergarten teacher. Because that's EXACTLY what this college town needs is another 23 year old who isn't Jaded By Life yet to realise that teaching 5 year olds isn't exactly as rewarding and fulfilling and earth shattering as the college classes brainwash you into believing. Come to think of it, she could use a shanking too.

That's not to say that teaching is easy and anyone could do it. Let's face it, the job sucks and is probably one of the most underappreciated and underVALUED white collar jobs out there. Teachers spend more time with kids than some of the kids' own parents do. They sometimes have to go in to work extra early and stay extra late and get nothing extra for it. They have to chaperon dances, coach sports, oversee clubs, manage after school detentions and again, there's no such thing as overtime pay. They deal with combative parents, rigid superintendents and classes full of kids who are anything but respectful. Because most schools have limited budgets, teachers end up paying for supplies out of their own pocket and never get reimbursed for it. Much more than you think. Teachers will bring in special things to the classroom in an effort to get the kids more interested in the subject only to have these things broken or stolen. All this for a meager- and I MEAN *meager*-salary. Joey Brooklyn, my neighbor down the street, works in a factory and gets paid DOUBLE what a teacher makes.

So if you want to let your teacher know that you appreciate them, send them a card, buy them a gift card for dinner, get them a hooker, whatever. Just don't buy them anything with apples on it because it isn't cute and funny and chances are they roll their eyes at you when you're not looking. What isn't cute but damn funny is the gift that one of the Ball and Chain's students gave him--a Zippo lighter with a picture of a mud flap girl on it.


Perhaps not the classiest present, but I suppose a 16 year old can't exactly buy their teacher a bottle of Jack Daniels- which is what they REALLY could use at the end of the day. Or beginning.

eVintage Society's Blog Tag Wednesday

VINTAGE OR BUST!~Blog Tag Wednesday~ Swim With the Fishes
May 7th, 2008

Its time for Wednesday blog tag again! The temps are on the rise and its time to think about swimwear…what better way to stand out on the beach than in a vintage swimsuit?

I've been tagged by Empress Jade's blog, Empress Jade Vintage!

Lets hit the beach!

I actually just sold my favorite one, which was a silver lurex 50's Ceeb dreamy and ridiculously great. If it fit, it never would have left my paws, but alas it's off to the UK. So my current favorite would be this 60's halter swimsuit, new old stock with the original store price tag still attached! Basic black isn't always boring, you know.


I love the satin 2 piece swimsuits of the 40's adorned with sequins and rhinestones, but for practicality and wearability reasons, I favor late 50's/ early 60's swimsuits.

Ceeb is probably my #1, but my favorite (and underappreciated) wallet-friendly line is by Rosanna.

Ha ha ha, that's funny that you think we GO anywhere!

What do you mean "without alcohol"?! That's crazy talk. I'll own up to my girliness and say I love slushy frozen drinks, like margaritas and daiquiris.

Though I'm still built like a brick house and all (ha!),I think being a mom and 31.5 a person should stick to a one piece. But maybe that's just me. If you got it, flaunt it I guess?

Monday, May 5, 2008


Hello, my name is Kim. You might remember me from such films as "Gauchos: Friend or Foe?" and "Bitch Is The New Black". I'm pleased to bring you today's film, "Cinco de Mayo And What It Means To You". There will be a short quiz and a brief summary of your answers afterwards. Enjoy!

And now, "Cince de Mayo And What It Means To You"!

Are you...

A.) ... a Generic College Frat Guy who plans on spending the day partying 'til you puke at the frat house with your equally Generic College Frat Guy buddies?

B.) ...a Generic College Sorority Skank who plans on running to the local Party City to buy cheap straw sombreros for you and your equally Generic College Sorority Skank friends to wear with your wet tee shirts?

C.) ...going to spend the evening at Chili's/ Outback Steakhouse/ any other equally generic food chain restaurant with a flair for "authentic Mexican cuisine" that also has a bar to take advantage of their "50¢ Tacos and $1 Coronas Blowout"?

D.)...think that "authentic Mexican cuisine" is licking salt and lime juice off the Sunset-Tanned stomach of a half naked 19 year old with a fake ID?

If you answered YES to 1 or more of the questions above, then Congratulations! You just might be a dumbass. Your parents must be so proud, seeing you on Girls Gone Wild in that sombrero. Stay tuned for our next film, "Memorial Day Then And Now: Have You Hugged A Soldier Today?"