Thursday, April 24, 2008

Blue Comet Blues

So my friend Ang says that Fergie has a song out with a clip of Little Richard's "The Girl Can't Help It" in it. ExSQUEEZE me, asphinctersayswhat? Little faux rapper Fergie. From the Black Eyed Peas. Sampling Little Richard. Not to mention the Peas sample Misirlou on another song, but that just proves my point, which I SWEAR I'm getting to. I'm afraid Fergie, you are now ON THE LIST. Now, if you go for that kind of music then zippity doo dah and I say to you GOOD DAY SIR but it's not my cup of tea, nor ever will be, not even if you force me to listen to it Clockwork Orange-style. I'm so embarrassed for her, but mostly for the young listening audience who have no idea not only what real music is, but who recorded it (and the movie it hails from in this case). I am hatin' on Fergie for not only stealing really good 50's music and forcing it to mingle with her own, but also dressing vintage-esque lately...which by the way, you'll notice many a young skanky starlet has a "vintage phase" for about a month or 2 until the oh-so-wackiness of it wears off and they move on to their next fashion phase. No fair Fergie and Young Skanks, no fair. Oh yeah, I got my hate on. But all's I will say is this. SAMPLING MUSIC IS NOT CREATIVE. Dumbasses. I realise this sounds like I'm a 70 year old woman complaining about kids these days and their crazy jazz music, but that's how I roll. And STAY OFF OF MY LAWN.

For the record, let me show you where my blog name came from and NO IT WASN'T FROM FERGIE, and don't MAKE me pull this car over kids, or I will reach back there and slap your eyeballs into next week. For your viewing and listening pleasure, I give you "The Girl Can't Help It" from 1956. Just watch it for about 52 seconds and then you can carry on with your day, wondering what my problem is.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Music To Be Murdered By

Shopping online for something specific can be so stab-inducing in a way that I cannot describe. Oh wait yes I can- it makes me go berserker from all the stupid out there flooding my shopping experience with the crazy-making. I was on a quest for a funny little bowling shirt for myself of the real vintage variety and WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, DADDY-O's? Seriously, bowling shirts with freaking martini glasses or Elvis or *enter any other 50's cliche image here* is a CRIME of fashion, a toilet flush and a bitch slap to the vintage world. Not that I get my hate on with Daddy-O's, because they do sell some covetable dresses and are in fact making a living peddling their wares and props to them for living the American dream. But in reality, WHAT mafioso type in the 50's and 60's EVER wore bowling shirts when they were not in fact, oh I don't know, BOWLING?! And when in fact, did they ever wear bowling shirts with FLAMES AND DICE on them?! Oh, my heart will most certainly NOT go on.

Don't hate me because I'm an Italian Cliche.

Because I'm a loser and don't have HBO and have to watch HBO shows like the Sopranos when they finally come to TNT on basic cable 3 years after the show is over, I'm only now discovering the wrongness of mob fashion and James Gandolfini, you are now on MY LIST. I blame you for brainwashing today's youth into thinking that Today's Modern Mafia dresses even remotely cool and old school when they, in fact, wear VELOUR JUMPSUITS. Call me crazy, but I don't think JLo had you guys in mind with her line of track suits. I do wish TMM would take a cue from the Sopranos and their faux rat pack-esque style and help the vintage community out and actually start rocking shark skin suits and panel shirts again and REPRESENT. Don't you joiks remember Dean Martin and 2 tone shoes and Banlon and the Cool Gangster Lingo? And for the love of god, WHO WILL THINK OF THE PINKY RINGS?

Just say no to repros, kids. Once you get hooked, there's no going back. Do it up right, in real sleazeball fashion. Check out some shirts from yours truly at Fast Eddie's Retro Rags.

This one's coming soon, hold your horses you filthy animals.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Bring On The Dancing Horses

Hello, my name is Kim and I am an Anglophile. It's been 3 hours since I watched the Young Ones and so far so good, though I'm saying "wanker" more than any American really should without REALLY sounding like a wanker and everyone thinks I'm a dork but damn you Vyvyan, damn you straight to hell for being so downright shaggable. I'm pretty sure my love of British culture started in my pre-pubescent years growing up in the 80's when you couldn't swing a bag of cats without running into someone wearing a Smiths tee, or at least the really cool high school teenagers did, the ones I envied and SO wanted to be when I grew up. And I don't mean the Misunderstood Artsy Goth Kids in Bauhaus Tees And Fishnets either, but the girls who knew all the cool college radio bands and thought John Cusack Will Save the World in His Trench Coat. Which he probably will, but that's neither here nor there, and I'm pretty sure he's an Anglophile himself and now Lloyd Dobler, you are even more adorable in my book. What's with the British bands kicking all sorts of ass in the 80's? Can you say TACO? Come to think of it, I'm not sure if Taco was from the UK or not. I think maybe he was actually German, or maybe his pink wig is making me think he was German, not that wearing a pink wig is necessarily a German thing and I should probably do some fact-checking before making blasphemous statements about Germany's #1 hot commodity, second to David Hasselhoff.

It's really no wonder that so many of us Gen X-ers are screwed up, jaded or in group therapy, since we're the ones who've suffered the Cinderella Syndrome more than any generation. I totally made up Cinderella Syndrome. It's from growing up in the 80's watching too many Terribly Romantic Comedies, where the Sensitive Boy saves the Sad Lonely Girl complete with a cliched Ultra Dramatic End Scene With British Song For Emphasis. Isn't every girl STILL waiting for her own romantic comedy scene with a song from INXS playing in the background? I know *I* am, and I've been with the same guy for 400 years and he is a DAMN LUCKY MAN, so I remind him every day. If ever there was a time for Great Britain to kick America's ass it would have been then, brainwashing us into submission with hit songs from the Pet Shop Shop Boys, but you MISSED YOUR CHANCE, ENGLAND. What gives, conspiracy theorists? Notes of interest, and also because I am a fan of list-making:

1. Sixteen Candles. 'Member the scene at the end with Jake Ryan? Of course you do. I'll give you a minute to collect yourselves from all the sighing. 4 words: If You Were Here...And now I'm all verklempt thinking about that part. I will give myself a topic and talk amongst myself to get over it.

2. Pretty in Pink: If You Leave. Also chock full of other UK dreaminess.

3. Valley Girl: I Melt With You. Come ON, one of the best songs ever. Lucky for you though, you can hear it every 10 seconds on the Taco bell commercial.

4. Breakfast Club: Don't You (Forget About Me)

5. Say Anything: In Your Eyes. You can't say "cliche" fast enough. But still dreamy, no?

Is that a boom box in your hands or are you just happy to see me?