Knit Wits, Part 11: Smarmy Dearest

Welcome to Knit Wits!






It's been a while since we delved into the bizarre world of vintage sweater booklets, so it's about damn time we do. Today's inspiration is a Vintage 60's Columbia Minerva His & Hers Sweater Booklet.






"I am so getting a piece tonight."
"Yeeeah, no, you're not."


Any time you see "his and hers" on a pattern you know something's gonna be awesomely cheesy. And wrong. With a delightful light & airy vibe of "religious cult". You know who should wear matching sweaters? No one, that's who. Sure as hell not grown men and women. But maybe twins. Or the entire cast of Full House. Other than that, it's a fashion hell no.

Except, of course, when it comes to the snarky and smug-ass men and women in sweater booklets of the 1960's. Then it's anybody's guess. Let's see a few more fine examples of knitting perfection from the same booklet...




"Whaddya think- I totally pull off "straight", right?... Right?!..."




"Well how about now?!




These are supposed to be "his and hers", right? Sooo....who's the "his" and who's the "hers" here?....

Knit Wits, Part 10: Premenopausal In Pink.

You know, it's been a while since we explored the strangeness of vintage sweater patterns, so it's high time we delve into the wacky antics of pattern people. Thanks to Elanknits on Etsy for offering this Vintage 1949 Stitchcraft Sweater Pattern for inspiration!


I now bring you: Premenopausal in Pink...





Duckie had finally accepted the fact that his last resort for a prom date was his Mom. He could accept the fact that Andie likes a tool who'll toss her ass to the curb the second his foot hits Harvard ground. He could accept the fact that his HMO only covers 2 therapy sessions a month from the mental anguish posing with his mom for his prom picture will cause. What he couldn't quite accept was the motel room key his mom slipped into his pocket on the dance floor during the Electric Slide.

Knit Wits, Part 9: Fun Not Included.

I have nothing super witty to say about this, except that I find the poor ol' sap's beaten-down expression and the supreme cheesiness of this picture pretty damn funny. It'd be satirical good fun if it was modern, but no! While it resembles the setup of a moderately amusing Saturday Night Live skit, the graphic comes out of a Vintage 1960s Stitchcraft Knitting Manual:





No. No they're not.

Knit Wits, Part 8: You Talkin' To Me?"

Today's Knit Wits inspiration comes from Etsy seller Loopy Lush- it's this Vintage Arran Knit Sweater Book.




Robert De Niro wants you to know 2 things: he likes his women older and his kids on the next bus to Grandma's. Oh, and one more thing: he wants you to know that if you don't like his smart, green sweater vest & red striped shirt combo, he'll put a friggin' bullet in your friggin' head then gut you from neck to navel like the swine that you are, roast your carcass over the flames of your burning house and serve you with a nice chianti. The man likes his sweaters.

Knit Wits, Part 7: Firemen Do It Standing Up.

It's a good day for a little Knit Wits! Today's inspiration is this Vintage 1963 Spinnerin Sweater Booklet.




Bouffant:

"That's the longest hose I've ever seen"

"Be careful where you aim that thing. I don't want to get wet."

"Can I slide down your pole?"


Bouffant: "Can I stop now? My jaw hurts."

Helmet: "That's what she said. And no, baby, keep going."


Bouffant: "Ho hum. Is that a fire hose in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"...

Knit Wits, Part 6: Dear John

Ok... let's see what I've written so far:


"Dear John,
By the time you read this, I will be gone. Wait. No, not like that! I'm not killing myself over you, you big dumb idiot. I mean gone to Reno! I'm leaving you, in case you're too drunk by now to figure that out, super genius. Remember all those nights I said I was down at the bingo hall with my sister Margaret? Yeeaah...more like we were working the night shift at the Kitty Kat strip club. You couldn't imagine how much a twin sister act kills around there! Why else would I come home smelling like Budweiser and rage? Furthermore, how did you think I was able to buy us the luxuries we've had around the house, like sliced Wonder bread? You actually think your pitiful workers comp checks from that time an Acme anvil disguised as a bag of feathers fell out of a 6th story window onto your head are paying the bills?! I don't think so, buddy. Oh! And one more thing: you know how you always said that our little Johnny looks more like your brother than you? Yeeaah,...about that. We need to talk.

Sincerely,
Mary"


Yep. That about covers it.




Vintage 50's Sweater Pattern currently available from Vintage Pattern House.

Knit Wits, Part 5: A Very Brady Manslaughter

Mike Brady is in deep thought, wondering if his sideburns are perfectly symmetrical and if this sweater makes him look a little too gay, while ignoring Cindy and the imminent plunge to her death from the 2nd story window. Kitty Karryall is safely indoors, so at least it's not a total loss.





Vintage 60's Sweater Pattern currently available from Etsy seller PrairieWool.)

Knits Wits, Part 4: Baby's First Hangover

"That meshugana Hymie. When he said "let's got out for a bottle" last night, I though he meant milk, not Manischewitz. I don't mean to kvetch, but is it just me or is the room spinning faster than a dreidel? Oy vey, my aching head."






(Thanks to Kaiboo, for offering this charming vintage 80's sweater pattern for sale on Etsy!)

Knit Wits, Part 3: Meet Me At The Peach Pit

"Tiffany, I figure this is as good a time as any to tell you...I'm gay. Also, I just landed my first real acting gig, playing "Peach Pit Dishwasher #3" on Beverly Hills 90210. If I really prove myself, I may be able to move up to the role of "Brandon Walsh's Sideburn Double". You what they say: you gotta suck a lot of....well, you of all people know how to get ahead in this biz."


"Oh, Rick. I knew it all along. But I also have my own Hollywood plans. I just scored a totally awesome role too, playing "Side Ponytail Stand-In" for Kristy Swanson on some movie about a teenage vampire-slayer. Wicked, right? I guess doing all those splits in a cheerleader skirt finally paid off."

Knit Wits, Part 2: The Old College Try

Today's charming knitting sensation is this Vintage McCall's Fall/Winter 1957-58 Needlework Magazine, apparently aimed at the modern college student. Uh huh. I understand that the 50's college kid is a totally different beast than today's college kid, But some of this stuff is...questionable, for any 18-22 year old. Unless 5-year-olds went to college in the 50's, then yes, this magazine is ideal. So let's see what the Modern College Student was into...



"Hi, I'm Jackie! I'm a Typical Modern American College Student! Also, I'm just a girl, so anything I say shouldn't be taken too seriously. Welcome to my dorm room! LOOK at all this GLORIOUS crap! While I'm in my dorm room studying to become one of the only 3 professional jobs suitable for women: a stewardess, secretary or nurse, I like to knit childish things for my room, so that one day I'll be a pro at knitting baby booties and blankets, since no woman actually uses her degree after college but instead marries young and becomes a housewife. Perhaps you'd enjoy making this useless, larger-than-life caterpillar, for no particular reason? Or this useless Egyptian-inspired embroidered cat wall hanging? Or this useless little Santa...type..doll...thing...I don't even know what it is...but it's cute, right? And that's what the Typical Modern American College Student likes, right? Oh I don't know. All this thinking makes my head hurt. I better go buy a new hat, since that's what a girl does. That, and knit another life-size critter to put on my bed with the rest of my widdle animals! Bye, all!

Knit Wits

Knit Wits, Part I:



After their exciting day at the mall for a family portrait at JC Penney, Bob and Carol decided it was time to finally tell the children that they had, in fact, been stolen. Also that Carol's failed corrective surgery to uncross her eyes would probably leave her blind. And that Bob's religious sect was planning on moving them to the hills of remote Utah to live in a cabin without running water, electricity or an indoor toilet. And that child services was planning on taking son Johnny away due to his emotional violent outbursts and recent tragic baby bunny slayings. And that the baby would have to go through a harsh round of exorcism, after last night's bout of speaking in tongues and cursing the rest of the family members to hell. Now who wants Orange Julius?!



(Thanks to Knits Yours, Knot Mine for the inspiration from this vintage 80's sweater booklet!)